Posts Tagged ‘Thought’

the Thinker has patterns

Pixabay: makeitclear

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The Buddhists call it non-dualism, the “Ego” is created, like a ventriloquists dummy.

In today’s vernacular our Facebook page carries only the things we want others to see. It is the persona we present as I, me, mine.

That persona wants to keep up appearances to the outside world.

Our feelings and emotions become connected with performance and behavior that gets approval.

We can get lost chasing this lochness monster.

Can you tolerate looking below the surface, observing how the “Ego” feels and makes decisions.

Ever wonder why all that effort never brings the satisfaction you desire?

Can you tolerate not being important?

Can you tolerate not controlling, or being right or most powerful?

Can you just be in the present moment without a construct (”Ego”).

Do we need to compete with other “Egos” or can we exist in harmony, sharing this journey.

What are your patterns?

What will you do for approval?

Does that satisfaction last or quench your desire?

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A frightened little boy faces adulthood

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Being a narcissist, my father demanded total control, I do not think he meant to shame me. Shame was a by product of the constant criticism, his way of making me a great baseball player.

My father had a dream, having to get married because of a pregnancy at 17; my mom was 16, robbed him of his dream.

He would live his dream through me, he would take all the credit and I would be criticized with every imperfect move he deemed unacceptable.

Even healed, life is much different for a severely abused little boy.

I live a quiet life, I try to give and have plenty of gratitude for myself and others.

Being happy go lucky, knowing everything will turn out all right, I will never know the feeling.

Life is a struggle. This is my challenge, I accept and do my best.

Surviving my father, then healing, uncovered incredible skills along with the damage.

My willpower was a monster. Athletically I could push my body through pain and barriers others could not.

In sports I could defeat stronger, quicker, more athletic guys with willpower and smarts.

Psychologically, I could wear down an opponent, exploit their weaknesses and defeat them.

Unfortunately none of these conquests elevated my unworthy “Ego” or soothed my damaged inner child.

Some of us desire power, money, or status, my father gave me a goal of baseball stardom. He wanted his son to be the best baseball player ever to live. I was more unnatural than natural.

My physical traits were average at best, speed, oh I was slow of foot. I was average size and strength, a middle of the pack kid with a violent possessed narcissistic father.

I felt like a failure at 35. I had graduated college with a BS in chemistry, played seven years professional baseball and now enjoyed success in private life.

None of that dinted my unworthy soul.

Trophies, hall of fame awards were but momentary distractions, trauma ruled my world.

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We need not win but we must fight

Pixabay: Michalqiao13591

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In my opinion, results are way above our pay grade. Results have many external influences out of our control.

We must find our purpose in life, then expend total effort with a positive attitude through good and not so good times.

For me, sentenced to an abusive childhood, winning was impossible.

An adult, a giant, had robbed me of my childhood and traumatized my being that would last a lifetime.

Winning was impossible. Feeling normal a dream, feeling worthy, my battle.

My fight was for survival until I could get away from the torture.

Now, my attitude and effort fill my being. Feeling worthy grew from an internal way of being, accepting and giving.

I do not judge myself anymore, I meditate, grow my gratitude and compassion daily.

We need not win but we must fight.

It is the journey we need to work on, not goals, status or approval.

Fighting is not aggressive, in fact fighting trauma, depression or anxiety is accepting, being vulnerable to our fears.

Healing is a humbling journey, the fight is accepting all of us, a worthy soul, a kind friend to all.

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Does your life with Chronic Pain feel like this?

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My chronic pain was like the wind, invisible, powerful and relentless at times.

How was I going to battle such a ghost. I named my pain Mr P. after the old Happy Days show, Mr. C.

Mr. P. Was my nemesis when I hiked. Mr. P. wanted to stop my legs from moving, from confronting my fear, from taking control of my mind back.

My mindset was centered around my greatest strength, my willpower, determination. Always incorporate your strengths as part of your solutions.

My mindset as usual, a jock accepts the challenge before him/her. No way was Pain going stop my legs from moving!

My exercise routine became an emotional battle between pain and my will.

In a way it was exhilarating. I convinced myself not many humans could hike in such pain day after day.

We jocks always imagined being at bat with the bases loaded, two outs bottom of ninth, game seven of World Series. This was my chronic pain version.

Visualization is powerful. I would imagine myself in “The Last of the Mohicans” running with Hawkeye, running for our life.

Music gave me a beat that I could synchronize my legs with. My legs would move to a beat when they were exhausted, ready to quit.

Chronic pain became a friend. Adversity makes us stronger.

Chronic pain strengthened my meditation practice. I truly learned how to focus and dissipate my pain level.

Pain constricted, became much more bearable, then faded as months passed. Aerobic exercise and meditation were my tools.

I would set in the middle of my pain with my breath, no judgments just observing.

My breath could dissipate my pain. My familiarity allowed me to sit calmly inside my pain. My pain received no energy from fear, attention or thought.

After a few years I had compartmentalzed my chronic pain.

Acute pain is a different animal.

Pain eats energy but does not touch my soul, or my enthusiasm for life.

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Change is most difficult

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In this moment, right now I shower myself with kindness.

In this moment, can you tolerate letting go of emotional judgments or any negative thoughts?

We are starting small with only this next moment, not the rest of our lives.

Work on small, specific, concrete changes.

Change can not happen in our past and the future is nothing but speculation based on past events.

Try to be present for the next half hour.

Find out what living in the present feels like.

My meditation practice built my focus, application during the day helped change my mind.

Change does not happen easily, we need to work through the hard times when progress seems to grind to a halt.

We need to overcome mans nature to willingly suffer a familiar pain instead of trying to heal (change).

Takes persistence and courage to face our fears and make changes.

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Can you take a step back, can you observe the thinker, the “Angry” you!!!!!

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Can you focus when you become angry?

 

Can you take a step back and observe the one who is angry?

 

You will observe our creation, our “Ego”, feeling unworthy or mistreated.

 

Who craves approval?   Same answer “Ego”.

 


The one who needs to think is different from the one who observes.


When I focus intently, letting thought go, an impartial observer, a faithful guide appears for me.

 

This observer does not judge or use any words.

 


He/She uses intuition and gut feelings.

 


He/She does not judge or think, but exists in focused awareness of our environment.

 

 

Some call this our soul, or spirit, or intuitive guide, or expansive right hemisphere.

 

 

Introduce yourself, this observer is our only conduit to happiness!

 


That thinker will not lead you to happiness.
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My “Ego” is UPSET WITH YOU !!!!!!!

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This is part of the journey, exploring our inner world. We sit quietly, focusing on the breath, letting thoughts fade.

 

 

The “Ego” fades as our cognitive hemisphere (left side) quiets, then we enter our creative (egoless) right hemisphere.

 

 

We can observe our “Ego” from a distance, see it’s desire for approval, feel its anxiety dealing with criticism from another “Ego”.

 

 


After a while we can separate our “Ego” while we are cognitively engaged. We observe the one who thinks and judges.

 


The other day someone criticized a comment I made online about trauma. How dare them, this voice shouted from inside.

 

 

My “Ego” was insulted, angry, pissed as hell, fuming.

 

 


I took a few breaths and let go.

 


Observing from a distance, I discovered my “Ego” felt wounded and wanted revenge.

 

 

A choice had arrived. Do I follow my “Ego” and attack or do I go below the “Ego” and observe.

 

 


I smiled then laughed out loud, my “Ego” was more an appendage, like an arm or leg, not a vital organ.

 

 

Who cares if my “Ego” is pissed, not me.

 

 


I was not angry but amused, clear-headed and relaxed.

 

 


I had become familiar with my “Ego’s” patterns, desires and needs.

 

 

This male “Ego” was highly competitive, prone to action when criticized. He acted like an adolescent boy when perturbed.

 

 

Know your “Ego’s” desires, ambitions, weaknesses, and manipulative ways
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