Posts Tagged ‘PTSD’

Where we place our Attention matters

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Can you tolerate not expressing negative emotions,

Anger. …

Annoyance. …

Sadness. …

Guilt. …

Fear and anxiety. …

Discouragement and despair. …

Apathy. …

Disappointment and frustration.

How much time would you free up?

Would positive emotions increase?

With no negative emotions getting play time, positive emotions will dominate your personality.

This idea is at the core of mindfulness.

Where we place our attention impacts life in a profound way.

In fact, I believe it is the greatest power of the mind.

A trained, focused mind does not waste energy on negative emotions.

If sadness arrives from life, sadness is felt completely without judgment, then we come back to now.

We live life, narration ceases, judgments are sparse, simple things excite us.

Please share your views and insights.

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Ptsd makes us defensive maybe even in denial

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I deal with people with PTSD, some with childhood Trauma.

Childhood trauma is a special kind of trauma, our brains have not developed, so trauma intertwines itself like an octopus with our mind.

Since trauma was endured over such a long period of time, healing is more arduous and lengthy. Remember trauma is stored with our abilities at the time it occurs.

Some trauma feels like a five year old memory to me.

Understand you have the cognitive abilities of a five year old when in the midst of this trigger firing.

Trying to think your way out will fail. It is a subconscious terrain that houses that memory.

We carry this trauma, reinforce the narrative we create with others. This narrative influences the “Ego” we create.

Think how we define “Who am I” with these influences.

Sometimes our narrative describes us as a victim of circumstance. Any narrative is a mirage.

I damn sure am not a superhero either, or some great savior of mankind.

PTSD sufferers will fight you to keep their narrative. This narrative excludes them from taking responsibility for their life.

What does your narrative say about you?

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Who am I?

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I was given my identity from my parents, my mother said God made me to be a professional baseball player. My father had stronger convictions about who I was.

Of course my “Ego” was created around this edict. “Who am I” was decided for me, “I” did not have a say according to my parents.

Before 30 I was out of professional baseball, who was I now has always been a conundrum for me.

My father treated me differently depending on my performance. Yes, it was complete conditioned love ❤️. A toxic love of brutality and control.

What hapoens when your first caregivers steal your identity?

You wander through life lost, looking for meaning, relevance, identity.

At 67 my “Ego” has dropped that baseball ⚾️ moniker.

It was hard to accept others definition of who you are.

My childhood was stolen. It is our job to limit the impact to just our childhood.

It was only my childhood, I have found out “Who I am “ during my healing journey.

I am not any label and definitely not unworthy.

I am present, aware and focused. That is enough!

I am a giver, a person with large amounts of gratitude, a content, calm, kind man.

That last sentence did not appear without great effort on my journey.

Find your true self through inner exploration and discovery.

Trauma is an invisible prison!

Refuse to label, stay present, alive, and active.

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Unworthy, shamed, flawed (my childhood)

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My child hood trauma made me feel unworthy, shamed, and flawed.

In due time avoidance became my symptom of choice, I tried reducing my fight or flight mechanism from firing and my mind obsessing over the causes of my triggers.

In our confused state, limiting the triggers situations, avoiding life seems the path of least resistance and healing.

That is similar to chasing pleasure and avoiding life’s reality. Both end in more suffering.

Avoiding my triggers, isolated me from life, I thought I would heal the less my triggers exploded.

In due time I feared my thoughts after a trigger more than the trigger itself. It was more painful to experience my mind trying to cognitively understand why trigger thoughts had so much power.

We’re my thoughts real or a mirage. The cortisol and adrenaline released with the firing of my denfense mechanism were real.

The thoughts were bullshit, trauma memories stored in the right amygdala, as implicit memory, unable to be impacted consciously.

Thinking, judging, cognitively manipulating traumas storyline leads to more suffering.

My avoidance led to social anxiety. Complex PTSD, my childhood trauma had manifested its unworthiness as an outcast, unworthy to be alive.

Yes, my PTSD damn near killed me at its apex.

At my low point, I was surprised the resilience that was stored around my core. When my mind was frozen, I found life with aerobic exercise until near exhaustion.

My legs could move even when my mind was frozen. Life is closer to action, sedentary closer to death. We need to move, to battle, to live fully.

Change is hard for an abused kid, life comes at us much to quick.

We are confused about who we are.

Was I the kid who was constantly ridiculed by his male caregiver, shamed or was I normal like other kids.

Surely normal has never been my experience.

I was different, unworthy, beaten, shamed, sentenced to suffering.

Hard for me to recall the gravity of my plight back then since I healed.

The extreme panic and fear are gone.

That means we all can heal, if I can crawl out of that hole, you can also.

My message is that we can heal with persistence and the right tools.

Never give up, never give in.

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Different sides of Us!!!!!!!

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We have many facets, many sides to our emotions, personality, behavior and compartmentalized, protected pieces.

Do we have a good side opposed to a bad side? We sure have choices and opportunity for good and bad behavior.

Are there good emotions and bad ones, well yes.

Do we have good thoughts and bad thoughts? Of course.

Basically we are all perfect at our core, flawed with an ego and physical body.

Our judgments distort the reality of our existence.

Our purpose is to be happy, not popular, rich or extremely powerful.

Our purpose is an internal journey of focus, giving, kindness and gratitude.

Choose to follow your inner guide not external influences.

Some situations I am an extrovert, others an introvert.

Mindfulness has taught me to lose my labels, my biased judgments about myself, others and situations.

My purpose is not to narrate life from a perch or any distance, my opportunity is to live fully in the midst of others.

I have traded in my goals, living freely in the moment gets my energy now.

We control our effort and attitude.

Understand where to direct your attention and life could be a happy one.

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Navigating life with PTSD

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As I shared in the last post, my fight or flight (defense) mechanism does not explode from my triggers anymore.

Yes, this is a great advantage and success for any PTSD sufferer.

What is left are the unworthy thoughts and judgments. My damaged self-image grew from a cruel narcissistic fathers constant criticism of a little boy.

Those fears still exist in a region of my memory. Hard to erase a whole childhood of terror.

My fear of a trigger has been cut dramatically but my trauma thoughts still carry hurt for me.

As I have shared, triggers, unworthy thoughts, high risk PTSD situations are not enjoyable but no lasting damage occurs.

We all have a memory bank of events that reinforce times we felt unworthy with PTSD erupting.

We avoided, denied or froze during these episodes.

One tool that has helped me, I refuse to think about, ruminate about or try to justify what happened during a trigger.

The less we think or judge any thought about our unworthiness is beneficial.

We heal by talking about our trauma with a therapist and only our therapist.

We heal by focusing on now and refusing to ruminate or leave this moment to enter the past or predict the future.

Thinking is our land mind, judging is sentencing us to more suffering in the PTSD world.

Now, I work to take the power from my unworthy thoughts that resist.

It is a journey, our awareness of life minute to minute does not end until we exit this planet.

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My journeys (PTSD) current state of mind (Healing)

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Awkward and uncomfortable is how I would describe my PTSD now.

It took all my effort and determination to heal the first time. My childhood trauma resisted many different therapies and holistic cures.

Our path is not very well illuminated, hard to tell the proper avenue to choose or the right direction to proceed. PTSD has a confusing impact, a time distorting component and horrifying panic attacks.

When I finally healed, my life was trigger free, finally flowing with an ease. I thought healing was permanent but a new blood pressure medicine drained my energy and fired my nervous system up.

My PTSD symptoms returned. Things had changed, the intense fear and firing of my flight or fight mechanism did not happen. Meditation had enabled me to become friends with my fight or flight mechanism, I did not fear it going off.

In fact I learned to use the energy that surrounds our defense mechanism firing, while hiking.

Instead of terror and fear, I experienced uncomfortable and awkward.

Now, my symptoms will appear every so often, I am not afraid of them anymore. They do impact my life but I accept this as my cross to bear.

What has changed is my ability to focus and let go, the wisdom to discount traumas erroneous barrage of thoughts and judgments.

I can exist in a defense mode, letting the noise be released, making no decisions, having no opion that is reinforced until things settle down.

I have learned to let go of thought and read my senses, see and hear what is in front of me. It is soothing to step back and realize this PTSD is a mirage.

My triggers are still an issue at times but the issue has a much less intimidating consequence.

Trusting that being empty of thought and aware of this immediate moment, is my default position.

My tools are simple, concrete and immediate.

My tools are not complex or voluminous but gain power through repetition and application.

PTSD is not as scary when the fight or flight mechanism has become your friend.

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