Posts Tagged ‘happiness’

Having a look at the thinker




Consider our thinker, the part of us who thinks.

We can step back and observe our thoughts (thinker).

Who is this thinker?

He/she can be emotional, irrational and brilliant.

The thinker has limitations, boundaries and illusion.

The thinker is biased, influenced by memory, limited by our ego.

Is the “Ego” we created the thinker?

The”Ego” is fallable, adolescent and limited.

The thinker is fallable, adolescent and limited also.

Does happiness appear out of thought or a by product of thought?

For me happy moments appear with focus on the senses never while lost in thought.

Thinking is a small part of what the mind can do!

Expand your minds capability by a 1,000, meditate and engage your expansive side.



Sheila Catherine: subtle motivations behind your speech today


Pixabay: vinsky200


Notice the subtle motivations behind your speech today. When is the primary communication merely your own existence?

Sometimes what is said is not very important; what we are really saying is, “notice me, I’m here, I’m special, I am like this, I am.”

It can be useful to grow sensitive to the tendency to seek respect, appreciation, confirmation, praise, or recognition.

You don’t need to squelch these desires should they arise, but notice how they contribute to the development of self-formations.

Are you in a phase in your life when self-formations are valuable, or are you ready to deconstruct these processes?

You can also observe your internal dialog, ruminations, and daydreams.

“Make a note of moments when the thought “I am” forms. How much of your thinking is recreating and reinforcing the story of being you?

What would the experience of your life be like without the burden of incessant becoming?”

Surrender is the way we battle PTSD!

Pixabay: mohamed_hassan



Matthew Ricard explains happiness as a two part journey, first refuse to ruminate in negative thought, next put yourself in situations that happiness inhabits.

It is mandatory we accomplish the first requirement (not dissociating) or happiness loses any chance of becoming reality.

Awareness of our self talk becomes necessary.

Like a resume, we reconstruct a worthy “Ego”, overflowing with self approval and kindness.

Healing and happiness are an internal uncovering of the perfect real self, hidden inside our trauma.

We are not constructing a worthy being, just letting go the cloud which conceals the real me (you).

You and me are as worthy as every being on this planet.

If you lived through childhood abuse, being worthy is not a sentiment we are familiar with.

Realize the real battle, it is not trying to influence the noise.

Letting the noise exit is our goal.

Surrender is our sword in the battle of PTSD!



Unworthy thoughts!

Pixabay: ElisaRiva



When negative or unworthy thoughts appear, remember the mind can only hold a finite number of thoughts at one time.

I repeat my affirmation, In this moment, right now, I accept all of me. Kindness surrounds my body, a content, calm flows inside me.

So replacing unworthy thoughts with positive ones is a decent strategy. When focus strengthens, we can let these thoughts fade on their own, a better strategy.

It takes practice, building confidence, then facing our fear to improve. Getting better has always aroused deep seated fear.

In childhood it was the threat of abandonment, the ultimate terror for a helpless kid. Fight, flight or freeze became freeze for me. How can you fight a giant or flee to where, as a 6 year old?

I always knew my PTSD symptoms were aroused when I would feel like a child. I was more sensitivity, hyper-vigilant, anxious and frightened.

PTSD fear became the unknown at times, a future disaster on the horizon. My triggers were so irrational, ridiculous, funny if they did not fire my adrenal stress response.

When I was younger, public speaking was my ultimate fear.

I had no clue my trauma was manifesting my deep unworthiness into panic. In front of a group my anxiety made it hard to breathe, terror filled my being.

If a speech was scheduled a week from today, I would die an arduous death daily. By the day of the speech, hospitalization would be kinder or a firing squad.

Knowing real fear was not present cognitively did not stop my triggers firing, or panic exploding.

Thinking will not heal us, being able to focus and not think for periods of time will.



Healing does not fix Everything

Pixabay: andremsantana



Acceptance of myself and my situation in the present moment was a marathon undertaking. I had 40 years of practicing unworthiness and grasping self shaming thoughts.

PTSD was my elephant and it took many, many meals to finish that pachyderm.

Life expanded, fears faded, my nervous system calmed down, and happy moments appeared.

My changes were miraculous, freedom from that darkness, a content feeling instead of that emotional terror of triggers firing.

My gratitude filled my chalice. Well if I had a chalice, it would be full.

I had to accept that trusting people would never be easy for me.

Trust remains difficult and loyalty is paramount in a friendship.

I envy friends who live like everything will turn out alright. For a seriously abused little boy, everything did not turn out alright.

For me the loss, the ridicule, the embarrassing possibilities of a situation appears, I may take action in the face of loss but it is not easy.

I have to find happiness in others places and accept life holds more betrayal for me than others.

My arduous journey of healing, incessant reading, hours of daily meditating, therapy and aerobic exercise trained me to help others.

I have lost things because of my childhood but I have also gained valuable skills healing.

I have been part of others healing journey. The skills and direction I shared along with answering their questions impacted their lives immensely.

Beside my kids and grandkids these relationships are prized possessions.

From agoraphobic terror, hiding in my dark garage for six months to facilitating a mindfulness group for NAMI, it feels like a miracle to me.

Life has opportunity and loss.

My effort and attitude receives my attention and energy.

I have learned to stop judging myself, narrating life.



Being Vulnerable

pixabay: stevepb



Learning to experience fear and pain was paramount for me to heal.

I learned to accept, then surrender to triggers. It was an arduous journey wrought with irrational fear and confusion.

Persistent, daily practice chipped away at my fears little by little.

I learned to experience the trigger thoughts without judgment or resistance.

In fact I teach this in my mindfulness group.

Surrender is our most powerful strength!

What we resist, persists.

I fought my PTSD and it grew, I surrendered to it and it collapsed.

Counterintuitive yes, but surrendering is part of healing, the ultimate act of letting go.

We heal by not thinking or talking about our details and symptoms.

Practice, take small, specific, concrete steps and heal.



Drumming up the Past can bring anxiety and more

pixabay: 3D_Maennchen



A phone interview launched me on a journey into my past. An author was writing a book on Miami Orioles baseball.

He asked me how I started playing baseball. Even at this age, 67, I wondered how my family would retaliate.

That little boy still carries childhood fear.

I was surprised. Drumming up my baseball career, brought back the loss.

My PTSD, not fully activated yet, forced me to quit playing. I feel ashamed sharing that. Quitting is vile in my world.

I felt more loss the last couple of days than the day I walked away.

My PTSD destroyed my life when I was young.

PTSD stole my dream!

I maybe healed but a big void will never be filled.

Two of my teammates have committed suicide. One a Cy Young award winner and Orioles broadcaster, Mike Flanagan.

The other jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge, Dante Benedetti.

Throughout my career, these two guys would of led the list of players who were easiest going, happiest.

When I quit baseball, it was out of desperation to survive, now for the first time I feel the loss.

Well, I need to meditate, feel this loss in its entirety, then let it go.

This does not feel good, but I need to experience and release this saved trauma.

Another piece of hidden trauma has surfaced and now I will integrate it.

Meditating and healing are a daily challenge.



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