From https://www.corpun.com/car1.htm
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Today I felt that old familiar total helplessness. Cortisol and adrenaline released in small quantities, but that feeling a huge man was about to beat my ass violently, gripped me.
The level of violence my dad perpetrated on me was intense. A specially made paddle with holes was hand made at the cabinet shop.
He was proud of his creation, he was a narcissist, I was his pawn.
Once a week at dinner, Lima beans were served. When my gag reflex would not let me ingest them, I puked, then got beat until he got tired.
Once a week.
Imagine if I did something wrong, his level of violence and rage escalated. Emotionally, constant criticism was his preferred vehicle of conversation.
After all my healing, all my meditating and practice, that demon still lives in my nervous system.
Childhood trauma leaves scars, some last the rest of our life.
My choice is obvious, avoid and isolate or accept, let go and be present.
It is always a simple solution to yesterday’s problems.
External stimulus either controls our mind or we focus and direct our attention to this moment.
My practice has not eliminated the damage but made it possible to enjoy life and experience happiness.
At every breath we have a choice, give in to judgment or stay present, focused and alive.
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