Posts Tagged ‘Gratitude’

Ptsd makes us defensive maybe even in denial



I deal with people with PTSD, some with childhood Trauma.

Childhood trauma is a special kind of trauma, our brains have not developed, so trauma intertwines itself like an octopus with our mind.

Since trauma was endured over such a long period of time, healing is more arduous and lengthy. Remember trauma is stored with our abilities at the time it occurs.

Some trauma feels like a five year old memory to me.

Understand you have the cognitive abilities of a five year old when in the midst of this trigger firing.

Trying to think your way out will fail. It is a subconscious terrain that houses that memory.

We carry this trauma, reinforce the narrative we create with others. This narrative influences the “Ego” we create.

Think how we define “Who am I” with these influences.

Sometimes our narrative describes us as a victim of circumstance. Any narrative is a mirage.

I damn sure am not a superhero either, or some great savior of mankind.

PTSD sufferers will fight you to keep their narrative. This narrative excludes them from taking responsibility for their life.

What does your narrative say about you?



Who am I?



I was given my identity from my parents, my mother said God made me to be a professional baseball player. My father had stronger convictions about who I was.

Of course my “Ego” was created around this edict. “Who am I” was decided for me, “I” did not have a say according to my parents.

Before 30 I was out of professional baseball, who was I now has always been a conundrum for me.

My father treated me differently depending on my performance. Yes, it was complete conditioned love ❤️. A toxic love of brutality and control.

What hapoens when your first caregivers steal your identity?

You wander through life lost, looking for meaning, relevance, identity.

At 67 my “Ego” has dropped that baseball ⚾️ moniker.

It was hard to accept others definition of who you are.

My childhood was stolen. It is our job to limit the impact to just our childhood.

It was only my childhood, I have found out “Who I am “ during my healing journey.

I am not any label and definitely not unworthy.

I am present, aware and focused. That is enough!

I am a giver, a person with large amounts of gratitude, a content, calm, kind man.

That last sentence did not appear without great effort on my journey.

Find your true self through inner exploration and discovery.

Trauma is an invisible prison!

Refuse to label, stay present, alive, and active.



What are the traits of Happy people



Think of people who are happy. How about happy couples, know any?

Do happy people have better physical traits? Does size, weight, or looks matter?

Are happy people more intelligent, more skilled, more powerful?

Are the happiest marriages the ones who have more sex?

Are happy marriages the ones with bigger houses, nicer cars, and more status?

Well, happy people I know worry less, seem much more content with themselves, and remain calm and relaxed.

They smile more and exude an easy positive personality.

Happy people care about others and have a core of close people around them.

In a marriage they seem to be soul mates, committed, loyal and supportive.

How do we attain these things?



Navigating life with PTSD



As I shared in the last post, my fight or flight (defense) mechanism does not explode from my triggers anymore.

Yes, this is a great advantage and success for any PTSD sufferer.

What is left are the unworthy thoughts and judgments. My damaged self-image grew from a cruel narcissistic fathers constant criticism of a little boy.

Those fears still exist in a region of my memory. Hard to erase a whole childhood of terror.

My fear of a trigger has been cut dramatically but my trauma thoughts still carry hurt for me.

As I have shared, triggers, unworthy thoughts, high risk PTSD situations are not enjoyable but no lasting damage occurs.

We all have a memory bank of events that reinforce times we felt unworthy with PTSD erupting.

We avoided, denied or froze during these episodes.

One tool that has helped me, I refuse to think about, ruminate about or try to justify what happened during a trigger.

The less we think or judge any thought about our unworthiness is beneficial.

We heal by talking about our trauma with a therapist and only our therapist.

We heal by focusing on now and refusing to ruminate or leave this moment to enter the past or predict the future.

Thinking is our land mind, judging is sentencing us to more suffering in the PTSD world.

Now, I work to take the power from my unworthy thoughts that resist.

It is a journey, our awareness of life minute to minute does not end until we exit this planet.



My journeys (PTSD) current state of mind (Healing)



Awkward and uncomfortable is how I would describe my PTSD now.

It took all my effort and determination to heal the first time. My childhood trauma resisted many different therapies and holistic cures.

Our path is not very well illuminated, hard to tell the proper avenue to choose or the right direction to proceed. PTSD has a confusing impact, a time distorting component and horrifying panic attacks.

When I finally healed, my life was trigger free, finally flowing with an ease. I thought healing was permanent but a new blood pressure medicine drained my energy and fired my nervous system up.

My PTSD symptoms returned. Things had changed, the intense fear and firing of my flight or fight mechanism did not happen. Meditation had enabled me to become friends with my fight or flight mechanism, I did not fear it going off.

In fact I learned to use the energy that surrounds our defense mechanism firing, while hiking.

Instead of terror and fear, I experienced uncomfortable and awkward.

Now, my symptoms will appear every so often, I am not afraid of them anymore. They do impact my life but I accept this as my cross to bear.

What has changed is my ability to focus and let go, the wisdom to discount traumas erroneous barrage of thoughts and judgments.

I can exist in a defense mode, letting the noise be released, making no decisions, having no opion that is reinforced until things settle down.

I have learned to let go of thought and read my senses, see and hear what is in front of me. It is soothing to step back and realize this PTSD is a mirage.

My triggers are still an issue at times but the issue has a much less intimidating consequence.

Trusting that being empty of thought and aware of this immediate moment, is my default position.

My tools are simple, concrete and immediate.

My tools are not complex or voluminous but gain power through repetition and application.

PTSD is not as scary when the fight or flight mechanism has become your friend.



Yes I have asked “Why am I so much different?



Why can I do extremely difficult tasks but find simple things that others do with ease, extremely awkward and sometimes painful.

I have healed once, been back in the throes of PTSD, and eventually found my way out again.

After all this, my triggers do not fire my fight or flight mechanism but unworthy thoughts still exist in the farthest reaches of my mind.

Focused and centered, I enter into scary trigger situations before I surrender to avoidance and fear.

I refuse to let trauma fear dictate my behavior.

Call it hard headed, or my dad would win or anything you like, I battle my trauma for control of my life.

It is a challenge I freely accept in its entirety.

Take calculated risks with PTSD, the triggers are a mirage.

Go towards your triggers, get comfortable in awkward situations, test yourself, grow, risk, be alive.

Die battling rather than give up.

Attitude and effort are under our control.

Live a good life, die a good death, refuse to suffer as a victim!

We have all the courage we need!



Small, specific exercises during the day, can become a strong habit in due time.



When we find ourselves distracted, unfocused, mind wandering, use the senses, see, hear, touch, smell, and taste to come back to now.

I use sight first, then sound followed by the aroma of my environment.

Our five senses are ever present, no thought is necessary to become intensely aware of the stimulus they detect.

We observe our senses without judgment.

We are gathering the current data our senses have detected.

I look at where I am, then find an object to focus on.

At times I find perfection in a flower, a tree, rain or nature.

When I hike, my eyes dominate my existence.

If I am out in nature, the need for my “Ego” (Identity) lessons.

The smells are intoxicating.

Quiet down and become an observant sponge.

Listen to subtle calls of the birds, the silence of being out in nature away from the noise of the city.

If this is not possible, sit quietly and focus intently on the breath while letting thoughts clear.

Meditation can take you out in the woods inside your mind.

Escape the craziness of your mind for brief moments, meditate.



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