Posts Tagged ‘Focus’

No Resistance means We Surrender to our trauma!!!!



Healing was incremental for me, each plateau reached through concerted action over months. Nothing came easy or quick.

Complex PTSD from a childhood does not heal miraculously, quickly or easily. The mind was not fully developed when trauma entered its world. Hard to tell what is normal and what is the aftermath of abuse.

Aerobic exercise, therapy, reading, meditating, practicing acceptance, applying mindfulness and persistence each brought benefits for me. Sometimes all hope seemed lost but something inside refused to give up.

This trait is very important. Lots of setbacks, even perceived losses on this journey. That inner guide can be our savior in our low moments.

Meditating and mindfulness carved out a small secure space for me to survive. This space grew incrementally as I healed.

It was like climbing a ladder, each successive rung revealed more of the horizon, more of the path.

Acceptance was difficult, releasing the shame and guilt reached a sticking point. My fear, worry and confusion kept me paralyzed for months.

I still had resistance, actually I was terrified, my fight or flight mechanism dumped cortisol and adrenaline preparing for a perceived lethal threat. The drugs are real, the anxiety almost unbearable, but the storyline is the mirage.

Being vulnerable, that is surrendering completely in the face of my trauma, broke the traffic jam. It was scary not to resist, to be so vulnerable, so defenseless.

With arms outstretched, totally open, I pictured my heart as a butterfly net.

I caught my trauma thoughts gently, exploring with a curious mindset.

I had found the next step, being vulnerable, surrendering to my fears.

This exposed my fears so I could observe them without the “Egos” bias.

Surrendering stops the what if’s, why me, etc.

Our trauma melts when we surrender in the face of their perceived imminent danger.

This is accepted brain science now, how we integrate trauma stored in our right amygdala.

If I was wrong we would not survive a fight or flight explosion.

I survived ten a day for a couple years. It was not a fun life but it did not kill me, so PTSD is a bluff.



Pain persists when you avoid feeling it.



“Pain persists when you avoid feeling it.

Pain dissolves when you face it.

Once you truly face it, you’ll see that there is a big difference between feeling good and contentment.

Feeling good is superficial and impermanent, contentment is authentic and always available.

If you want to feel good, eat a chocolate bar.

If you want to feel contentment, feel your pain.”

Excerpt from “There Are No Others: Accepting the Reality of Aloneness”



18 Characteristics of Codependents and 9 Truths to Support Recovery By Carmen Sakurai Last updated: 8 Jan 2020




“What Is Codependency?

Also knows as “relationship addiction,” the codependent is addicted to relationships and the validation they get from them. They will do whatever it takes, including sacrificing their own personal needs and well-being, to keep receiving this validation.

Root Cause of Codependency

Codependency is usually rooted during childhood. The child grows up in a home where their emotions are ignored or punished because the parent (or parents) suffer from mental illness, addiction, or other issues. This emotional neglect results in a child having low self-esteem, lack of self-worth, and shame.

Common Characteristics of Codependents

You are hyper-aware of other people’s needs so you become a caretaker to avoid being blamed for other people’s unhappiness and/or to feed your self-esteem by making them happy.

You believe that love and pain are synonymous. This becomes a familiar feeling so you continue to allow friends, family, and romantic relationships to behave poorly and treat you with disrespect.

Your self-esteem and self-worth are dependent on those you are trying to please. Your self-worth is based on whether or not other people are happy with what you can do for them. You over-schedule yourself with other people’s priorities to prove you are worthy.

You people-please. As a child, having a preference or speaking up resulted in being punished. You quickly learned that letting others have their way spared you from that pain.

You’re afraid to upset or disappoint others, which often leads to over-extending yourself to avoid negative feedback.

You always put others’ needs before your own. You feel guilt if you don’t follow through even if it means sacrificing your well-being. You ignore your own feelings and needs, reasoning that others are more deserving of your time and help.

You lack boundaries. You have trouble speaking up for yourself and saying NO. You allow people to take advantage of your kindness because you don’t want to be responsible for their hurt their feelings.

You feel guilty and ashamed about things you didn’t even do. You were blamed for everything as a child, so you continue to expect everyone to believe this about you now.

You’re always on edge. This is due to growing up in an environment lacking security and stability. While healthy parents protect their children from harm and danger, dysfunctional parents are the source of fear for their children and distorts their self perception.

You feel unworthy and lonely. You were always told you are not good enough and everything is your fault. The dysfunctional parent conditioned you to believe that you are of no value to anyone, leaving you with no one to turn to.

You don’t trust anyone. If you can’t even trust your own parents, who can you trust? Your unhealthy childhood conditioning lead you to believe that you do not deserve honesty or to feel safe.

You won’t let others help you. You’d rather give than receive. You try to avoid having to owe someone for the help they give you, or have the favor used against you. You’d also rather do it yourself because others can’t do it your way.

You are controlling. You were conditioned to believe that you are a “good boy/girl” if those around you are OK. So when life feels overwhelming, you try to find order by controlling others instead of fixing what needs repairs in your own life.

You have unrealistic expectations for yourself as a result of the harsh criticism you constantly received as a child.

You complain about how unhappy your life has become then quickly take it back to protect your ego, trapping you in an unending cycle of complain/deny.

You melt into others. You have difficulty separating yourself from other people’s feelings, needs, and even identities. You define your identity in relation to others, while lacking a solid sense of self.

You are a martyr. You are always giving without receiving, then feel angry, resentful and taken advantage of.

You are passive-aggressive. You feel angry and resentful and complain about “having to do everything” – while you continue doing everything on your own.

You fear criticism, rejection, and failure so you procrastinate on your own dreams and goals. Instead, you manage and control people’s plans and extract fulfillment when they succeed.

These self-destructive thoughts, emotions, and behaviors are based on distorted beliefs that developed as a result of emotional abuse during your childhood. As a helpless child, it was necessary to adapt these behaviors in order to survive.”



Aloneness in and of itself is not a painful thing.

Pixabay: Pexel




Excerpt from “There are No Others: Accepting the Reality of Aloneness”

“Aloneness in and of itself is not a painful thing.

The reason you associate pain with aloneness is because it was pain that brought you out of your aloneness and into the illusion of company.

Regardless of whatever the reason was, at some point in your early years you came to the conclusion that who you are is wrong.

This belief is the pain I’m speaking of.

To return to your aloneness you must first encounter the pain that took you out of it.

Pain is the gatekeeper of your awakened self.

When you rest as your true self, your pain will eventually disappear.

If you want to say goodbye to this pain for good, then identifying the source of your pain will be needed.

The package (belief) that this pain comes in is different for everyone.

Identifying this package is the first step, allowing the pain inside of it to envelop and destroy you is the next one.

If you can be destroyed then you should be destroyed.

Let it happen.

Only what is untrue in you can be destroyed.

The core belief that’s protecting your false sense of self is painful because it’s desperately trying to hold together the pieces of a fragmented identity.”



Aloneness is not for those who want to be special.

Pixabay: wgbieber



Excerpt from “There are No Others: Accepting the Reality of Aloneness”

Aloneness is not for those who want to be special.

An awakened human being is not a superhero.

Asleep human beings are the superheroes.

Asleep human beings start each day ready to engage in an exhausting battle that they will never win.

They fight for their survival, war with themselves and others, resist the suchness of the unexpected, and believe that their struggle is getting them somewhere.

They fight tooth and nail for some brief experience of fulfillment only to see their achievement taper off into chaos and misery again.

For this reason, an asleep human being deserves the highest respect, not the awakened one.

An awakened human being is a failure at life.

The only reason a human being awakens to their true nature is because they have tried with all of their might to succeed at happiness and have failed miserably.

The only thing they have achieved is ultimate failure.

Of course, this failure isn’t a bad thing, but it’s certainly not an achievement.

Your growth mainly happens from interacting with other human beings that are asleep.

Only by recognizing what you are not are you able to let go of what’s untrue in you.

Yes, an awakened person is a helpful reminder for you that freedom is possible, but that’s about it.

No human being can magically wash away your unconsciousness.

Building Awareness, knowing our flaws



When strong emotion springs forth, especially anger, either our “Ego” is upset or someone has threatened one of our attachments.

I did not realize the depth of my attachment to my mindfulness group and this blog. Strong emotional reactions informed me of them.

If it involves our “Ego” or an attachment, expect a serious reaction.

I take things to personally, it is a flaw of mine.

Yes, I have wasted my time, energy and given power away indiscriminately.

Realize some behavior of others, triggers trauma from our childhood.

My reaction can be out of proportion because I perceive a sort of lethal threat to my “Ego”.

My “Ego” behaves with childish emotions at the slightest indiscretion.

Are you aware of your created “Egos” influnce on everyday life.

When we feel a strong emotion, take a breath, a step back, explore the source of your anger, unworthiness, resentment, jealousy, worry or doubt.

Meditation builds focus, exposes our “Ego”, allows us to live free in the present moment.



Unfindable Inquiry




The inquiries in this book are based on actual sessions I’ve had with people. Names have been changed, along with some of the circumstances, to protect the privacy of the individuals involved. In the example inquiry in this chapter, Caleb is trying to find the victim he takes himself to be. I’ve done this inquiry with people on just about every identity you can imagine, from father to CEO to worthless self.

I’ve also done the inquiry with people on the basic belief in being a separate self (ego) without putting any additional label on it, like “worthless self.” It works well either way.

I have to say, though, that the inquiry is most potent when you add a label to it. Just as the word “leaf” doesn’t point to any particular kind of leaf in the forest, the word “self” doesn’t point to anything in particular, but when you name a leaf a “maple leaf,” you know exactly what you are trying to find, and when you add a label to the self (such as “the one who isn’t good enough” or “the victim”), you know exactly what you are trying to find—the identity you take yourself to be.

We all have different stories that we take ourselves to be, and it’s helpful to give a particular label to the content of your story. I think the remaining chapters of the book will make this idea clearer.

It may sound funny to say that you cannot find your self when you try to really look for it, but give the inquiry a try. It may surprise you.

Even though it may feel strange to look for something that seems to be obviously there, it is a powerful inquiry. The self that you try to find is empty when you look for it. “Empty” means “unfindable.”

The Unfindable Inquiry can be used on anything, not just a self. I encourage you to look for anything that you feel exists in a separate, objective, inherent way. You can look for any person, place, or thing that feels objective. For example, you could look for “my crappy life,” “cancer,” “death,” “awakening,” “suffering,” “America,” “the dining room table,” or “my friend Barbara.”



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