Posts Tagged ‘Fear’

Updated: The impact of Childhood PTSD

 

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At 67 I have finally found a calling that interests me.

 

 

 

My childhood abuse stole my life for decades. So much time was spent avoiding, denying, trying to make sense of PTSD’s symptoms.

 

 

I felt unworthy, flawed, shamed. I hid by overworking, trying to accomplish things that would give me status, worth.

 

 

 

That external search was misguided and uneventful, the real search was an internal one.

 

 

 

PTSD distorted my sense of myself , hid my strengths in plain sight, covered them in a cloudy anxiety blanket.

 

 

 

I think childhood abuse hides our true nature from ourselves. I had no clue who I was.

 

 

 

 

When I healed my therapist said your fathers abuse hid your true identity, an extrovert. My life was lived as an introvert until I was in my 50’s. I was quiet, easily shamed or embarrassed in a public setting.

 

 

 

All my emotions were aimed towards the bias of PTSD, making me a stranger to myself.

 

 

 

How could a shamed little boy, beaten and criticized, think he could be normal.

 

 

Now at 67, I have the desire to be a healer, a therapist.

 

 

 

First time in my life I know what I want to be.

 

 

 

Better late than never and I can find gratitude in my journey, not regret.

 

 

 

Life is not easy for any of us, challenges are given to every one of us.

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After basic needs are fulfilled, what is your strongest desire (need)?

Pixabay: TheDigitalArtist

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After basic needs are fulfilled, what is your strongest desire (need)?

 

After inventory, how do you rank your resources?

 

These two answers probably determine your life’s path.

 

How do I convey the idea that the mind is more valuable than all other resources combined, multiplied by a 1,000,000.

 

The mind controls all resources, grants power and life or withholds power to extinguish unwanted things.

 

The mind is far more powerful focused, empty of thought, than when it is thinking.

 

Thought is transparent, our Aware Presence is the only real thing we can experience.

 

How would life change if all worry, doubt and fear subsided?

 

Much of my self talk and rumination has died a slow death of neglect.

 

My strengths are willpower and persistence.

 

I show up and take action everyday, that has transformed my thought process.

 

It has changed nothing external, life’s challenges remain, my mind plays a different game now.

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Personal Identity: who cares

Pixabay: DarkWorkX

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Excerpt from the book “The Unbelievable Happiness of What Is”

“Without even realizing it, you draw much of your felt sense of personal identity—that is, who you think you are—primarily from strongly held and often unconscious beliefs.

In a very real sense, your beliefs define who and what you think you are, so a threat to your beliefs can feel like a threat to your very existence.“

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My two cents: Emotions do not define us, we all have the same emotions, if anything they link is together with shared experience.

Our mindfulness practice aims to let identity lose importance.

Being present is far more important than something that is ephemeral, transparent and fleeting (An Emotion).”

I am so much more than an emotion, my brilliance shines in this present moment, beyond any judgment Marty holds.

Another practice is to let negative emotions flow on through, resentment, jealousy, anger, doubt, worry, feeling sorry for ourself, etc.

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So what does get in our way?

Pixabay: Efraimstochter / 5127 images

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From the book “The Unbelievable Happiness of What Is”

What prevents us from seeing what is as it is, right now?

What prevents us from being happy in this moment?

Among the biggest impediments on the spiritual path are our unexamined beliefs about life, about truth, and about ourselves.

To be truly available for transformation, we must release ourselves from those limiting beliefs.

We don’t necessarily have to get rid of our beliefs; beliefs have their functions.

Rather, we learn to let go of our beliefs, which is also to let go of our identity.

When I say identity, I mean it quite literally.

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Helplessness versus Action

No ropes, nothing

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“You have the power to heal your life, and you need to know that. We think so often that we are helpless, but we’re not. We always have the power of our minds… Claim and consciously use your power.”

― Louise L. Hay

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My two cents: Taking action overcomes helplessness immediately.

Helplessness morphs into victimhood quickly.

Not matter what the challenge we face, a planned action is always the path.

We have choices, victim or survivor.

Taking action changes victimhood.

Exert maximum effort in the face of unworthiness.

That is the practice!

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The challenge: can we take action

Pixabay: Alexas_Fotos / 20873 images

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Experiencing one’s own inadequacies and still going on in spite of them are two of the greatest achievements of adulthood. Success in many ways, is not as important as failure and how you handle it.

–Robert Hand

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My two cents: It is the same with courage, it is needed when we feel the most vulnerable, most afraid.

Courage looks different when facing PTSD.

We need to be brave enough to focus and face our fears.

Choosing to be open and vulnerable in the face of a trigger exploding, takes courage.

It is the road less travelled.

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Perfectionism: “The Tao of Fully Feeling; Harvesting Forgiveness out of Blame”

Pixabay: geralt

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Perfectionism arises automatically in children subjected to excessive criticism and punishment.

 

Hoping to eliminate their parents’ apparent reasons for being so displeased, they strive to achieve the impossible goal of becoming mistake-free.

 

Out of fear of their parents’ disapproval, they vilify themselves for even the most minor miscues.

 

Many, out of fear of being a nuisance, eventually conclude that many of their normal needs are flaws that must be eliminated.

 

Perfectionism can also manifest spontaneously in a child as a response to neglect.

 

Perfectionism is often the child’s desperate attempt to win parental love.

 

If only he could faultlessly excel and be perfectly self-sufficient, and if only he never needed new clothes and never spilt his milk, and if only he didn’t get sick and could stay out of mom’s way, then maybe his parents would act lovingly to him.

 

And if only her nose were a little smaller, and if only she were more like that perfect little girl on TV, and if only she could remember to keep that smile permanently plastered on her face, then, maybe then, her parents would love her.

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