Posts Tagged ‘Fear’

The Rollercoaster ride of PTSD! My crazy Path! Part 2!

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This trigger felt much worse than it actually turned out. I perceived danger, confusion, fear and anxiety. My Trauma thoughts always  catastrophizethe the event. What if this happens continually, I will suffer for the rest of my life!

 

 

Trauma is a huge bluff!!! BLUFF, BLUFF, BLUFF, BLUFF.

 

Besides our fight or flight mechanism firing, bp, heart rate and respiration rising along with loss of fine motor skills, nothing happens. My fight or flight mechanism is dormant when a trigger fires now. This is what we consider fear, the feeling of being afraid is linked to this mechanism. It prepares us for a lethal threat.

 

PTSD has stolen the code, the switch which initiates a trigger, spreading anxiety and fear, flooding our system with cortisol. It is memories of past danger that is the culprit. I know I am safe when a trigger erupts now. More important my body knows it from my exploration of my inner world.

 

That is one of the goals of a meditation practice.

 

When we dissociate, get lost in trauma thought, the default mode kicks in. We become focused on “I”, me, mine, their unworthiness, suffering and helplessness. Trauma is fueled continually in this default mode.

 

Playing defense helps me tremendously. I do not ruminate or grasp these thoughts. They are left alone to fade from consciousness. It is like a tug of war. Grab that rope even with one hand and the rest of your body is a prisoner.

 

My answer to this trigger was first to ignore the intrusive, negative, unworthy thoughts. Next I focus on my breath, my model, and brought approval and inner peace to the anxious feelings in my solar plexus.

 

Next, I meditated in half hour sets in the morning and night, bringing security and inner peace to my inner world. That soothed me and allowed me to use exposure therapy. I went back to similar spots where I was triggered.

 

This calmed the catastrophizing thoughts.

 

Now, a day later I am much better. Focused and more centered. It is not the end of the war but I won this battle.

 

You can also. Build your tools while things are calm.
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Being empty: Daily application

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During the day we need to perform certain tasks with our minds empty.

 

That is, free from thought, when we shower, get dressed, or do any mundane chore.

 

Consider how much of the day is lived with the mind full of complex machinations, serious doubt, invented worry or anxious anticipation of a coming event.

 

All of our waking moments can be occupied with frivolous judgments, ruminating journeys of investigation or make believe scenarios of our life.

 

The mind craves to be focused, empty and clear.

 

In this state it reaches full potential, opens its expansive nature and unlocks its crystal clear power.

 

Opportunity and wellbeing are attached to a mind that is empty and focused during the day.
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We must be able to endure the awkward, the uncomfortable

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Reading one of the blogs I follow, a post listed all the doubts, judgments, concerns about the therapist, therapy and her own worthiness or unworthiness.

 

It seemed a celebration of victimhood wrapped in the Ego’s narrative.

 

Healing will never happen if we wait till things feel good or it is the right time to try.

 

Safe is never arriving, even the richest man has no idea what’s around the next bend.

 

 

We have to learn to withstand, to endure situations and people who make us uncomfortable, uneasy or even a little scared.

 

Unless we endure, experience these situations, healing or happiness will always be a stranger.

 

We will never feel that calm, that feeling of I am ok, worthy!

 

Being worthy comes from within, not through achievement or approval.

 

Next time a trigger explodes, focus on your breath, observe the narrative and watch it fade away.

 

A calm, a knowing you are fine arrives to greet us.

 

 

Healing or being on a spiritual journey is not an easy, calm path, it can be highly charged, scary and turbulent, like life.

 

Build your focus and hunt down your fears.

 

 

It is a battle, many do not see it like this.
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Why do people staring at me impact my life so negatively?

 

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I share this with a feeling of extreme embarrassment.

 

 

It seems so mundane, so ridiculous on paper, but in real life, it is my invisible prison.

 

 

Why does this seem to have such a negative influence, such an enormous power, such a quick, catastrophizing affect.

 

 

A childhood filled with constant criticism, extreme physical violence and harsh abuse, lives just beneath the surface of my consciousness.

 

 

I was a thing to my father, like the owner of a fighting pit bull. My worth was how good I made him look playing sports.

 

 

I had a big nose as a kid, which made me a target for ridicule, shame and unwanted attention.

 

 

Add this experience to my fathers abuse and my trauma manifests as social anxiety.

 

 

These two situations dominated my childhood, nowhere was I safe.

 

 

Catastrophic loss seems possible for me, when it explodes.

 

 

My C-PTSD came from this sick childhood.

 

 

Cognitively, I know all of this is irrational, transparent and impossible.

 

 

Knowing does not eliminate hypervigilance, anxiety, fear or shame!

 

 

They run on their own without conscious influence or control.

 

 

If I spend time thinking about any of this, it grows.

 

 

My job is to Meditate, slow the mind, focus it, and then let all these judgments and thoughts pass on by.

 

 

The most I have to fear is my own reaction to this stimuli.

 

 

No matter what, living fully and happily is my goal, not isolation or hiding for safety.

 

 

Thoughts? I have decided to share my journey in more detail as ptsd resurfaces in my life.
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Continue reading

PTSD brings danger, feels real to us, the chemicals definitely are real!

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A trigger explodes. Parts of the brain shut down, adrenaline, cortisol, tunnel vision, loss of fine motor skills, along with BP, respiration and heart rate escalate.

 

 

We are ready for a lethal threat, the problem, no lethal threat is present. We know this consciously, have experienced thousands of triggers without permanent damage. Irrational!

 

 

Danger arrives abstractly for me. It feels like something worse than death is out there, waiting.

 

 

Shame, the destruction of our ego, seems to be possible, the ultimate loss. This clarity has surfaced recently for me.

 

 

My childhood was filled with conditioned love, verbal and physical abuse, plus the ultimate fear of abandonment. One of my biggest fears was to be abandoned, I would rather endure the beatings than be an orphan.

 

 

Our true self (spirit, soul) is permanent and thrives without even knowing of the Ego.

 

 

The “Ego” is created and dies without the support of the true self, the power of our being.

 

 

How can a mirage mean so much to us?

 

 

Approval, approval, approval!

 

 

Approval brought security,  being ostracized from the tribe back in our hunter gather stage, meant death.

 

 

The Ego dominates thought, judgment and emotion. He/She never feels equal to another “ego”, so he/she will always jockey for approval, importance, acceptance.

 

 

Approval or disapproval does not contain happiness.

 

 

Approval today could turn to criticism tomorrow, it is external.
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Updated: Mindfulness: A Simple Outline!!!!


Frank Glick took this photo at Fort Snelling National Cemetery. When he recorded the shot, he never could have guessed how much it was going to mean to the widow of the World War II veteran buried there. — Star Tribune
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Each step fulfilled leads to the next step. Healing or happiness does not arrive from a calm, a mellow straight line path. Rather, it is a path with set backs, turmoil and stress.

 

 

It is a path inhabited with intense terror, enormous anxiety and fear of the unknown.

 

 

It is an infinitely simple path, visually, a mundane looking innocent exercise. It unfolds like this:

 

 

Awareness (Paying attention, Finding ourselves lost in thought then coming back to now)

 

 

Mindfulness (daily focus  on the breath,  No goals, no doubts, no worries)

 

 

Acceptance (ok with uncomfortable, awkward, letting go of thought and judgment)

 

 

Surrender (no resistance, heart is a butterfly net, catch your fears with your net)

 

 

Gratitude (desires in perspective,  we have what we need, look for ways to give others)

 

 

Giving (In a loving kindness way, no reward needed, do not write a check, see and talk to those you help)

 

 

Freedom (Life expands, the ego has faded for a moment, take calculated risks with a smile)

 

 

Happiness (the mind empties, life deepens, expands, opportunity is unlimited)

 

 

More happiness hopefully.
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Neuroscience combined with the Breath

 

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As I work with trauma people trying to heal, I am reminded how confusing, paralyzing and scary the journey can be.

 

 

PTSD feels like an enormous monster, a monster we are extremely vulnerable to. This monster is not external, he/she works from the inside.

 

 

We carry our unworthiness, our fear, our trauma inside our mind and inside our body.

 

 

The “Ego” we have created is also vulnerable, he/she is never equal to another “Ego”.

 

 

He/She craves approval, despises criticism.    He/She is the culprit who ruminates (dissociates) into past danger or future worry.

 

 

Our mind is our worst enemy or greatest asset.

 

 

Funny but using the breath with our focus, changes brain chemistry, changes our lives.

 

 

The mind is so plastic that it can change in a month.

 

 

Be smart, combine neuroscience with meditation (the breath) and reap the benefits.
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