Posts Tagged ‘Ego’

Updated: Visualize your “Ego” as a ventriloquist Dummy


Think of how our mind is constructed. One of the most complex organs ever found, capable of tremendous achievement or extreme suffering.


One of the parts we invent has no origin or real existence. Yes, it is the “Ego”. Search every part of your mind and an ego can not be found.


Yes, we invent this “Ego” for identity, I, me, mine! Identity is its purpose. Nothing more.


Think of your “Ego” as a ventriloquist dummy. We give that damn puppet power and life, not command of our being.


That dummy runs a good part of our life unfortunately.


The Dummy is the one who feels resentment, judges constantly, and feels unworthy. The “Ego” is never equal to another “Ego”. He/She judges itself superior or inferior to all “Ego’s” it encounters.


Here in lies the rub, we never feel complete when the “Ego” is in control.


That means happiness is impossible.


One day I was having a conversation with a friend and he said something upsetting. My response to him was, my “Ego” is pissed at you.


Finally I had isolated my “Ego’s” needs and emotion in a real encounter. I could see “I” disagreed with my “Ego”. I had a choice for the first time.


Just because my “Ego” was pissed meant nothing unless I agreed.


Our “Ego” covets total control. This leads to suffering and loss.


Is your dummy controlling your life?


The “Ego” is dormant during meditation, also the time when our happy emotions, contained in the left prefrontal cortex light up.

My “Ego” is Stealthy, Adolescent and Manipulative!

Awareness brings my manipulative “Ego” into focus. I believe some of this is hard-wired from my abusive, critical, and violent childhood. My “Ego” has never felt equal to another “Ego” (yours either).


The need for approval, for being appreciated, runs deep in my unworthy inner child. That critic, that resentful little voice, tears at my wellbeing.


Take this blog,:  I have to admit, I want relevance, approval for my knowledge, my blog.   Yes, having a 100,000 avid followers would stroke my “ego” and brings a feeling of relevance.   I see this as shallow and impermanent but it has power at times.



Does having more followers equal happiness?   Ask yourself if 90,000 left one day, how would that feel?  The crowd is very fickle and can turn against you.


This attachment makes me vulnerable to external forces, a path to suffering and anxiety.


Following this unworthy dialogue backwards, it is a perceived need that leads me to suffer. My “Ego” has felt unworthy, not good enough, almost shameful when PTSD is active. My “Ego” feels threatened as an adolescent at times.

When I meditate and examine this dilemma, approval or criticism is external. Also criticism or approval can change outside my influence. My life suffers when I buy into this belief. It is a mirage!

I am aware when my “Ego” feels insulted or damaged. He wants to retaliate against a perceived threat. He thinks retaliation can change my unworthiness.


It is such a subconscious, complex mechanism from childhood abuse. Life activates this difficulty from time to time.

I thought healing, emptying my amygdala of all the stored trauma would last forever. Now I know somethings will always be below the surface, capable of bringing that hell back into my life.


Knowing approval, respect or criticism has nothing to do with my wellbeing does not quell its massive need to protect itself.

I have learned to be intensely aware of my “Egos” need to be resentful, childish, reactive and destructive.


For some of us, a constant vigil of awareness is needed.

Fear of failure or the thrill of Victory

Having grown up with a narcissistic caregiver, the fear of failure motivated me.
Actually the fear of failing my father’s demands would be more accurate.


Many of the greatest athletes ever were driven by fear of failure.
Success and stardom never diminished that insecurity.


Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig are perfect examples. One was bombastic, gregarious and happy-go-lucky. The other was shy, boring and very quiet.

One demanded the limelight, lived an excessive life of pleasure with food, alcohol and women.


The other had no apparent excess or vices,  playing like a man with average talent. Gehrig was called the iron horse, playing in over 2,000 straight games.  An incredible record that was finally broken by Cal Ripken.


One was incorrigible, his parents dropped the Babe off at a catholic orphanage. The other graduated from Columbia university.


Babe Ruth was questioned about making more money than the president. He commented he had a better year than the president. Lou Gehrig was a superstar but never felt worthy of that title.


A mindful athlete enjoys being in the moment, knowing his self-worth is not connected to external wins and losses.  Not an easy path for most mortals.

Who am “I”. … … … . .He/She is created not real!!!



Who am I?


The smallest answer, description for me is, my true self, my soul, my spirit is present with all my emotions at the ready, and few of my judgments.


Besides that, the real me, my spirit, my soul is perfect and exists without needing an “Ego”, an “I”.


The true self is the seat of power. The “Ego” can not exist on its own. We can easily.


My spirit is alert, in the moment, empty, calm, open..
In my mind, My true self is more gas than solid.


My true self is more like air than a wall.


My true self is more chameleon, less sycophant.


My true self is more abstract than solid.


My true self is more big picture much less specific, detailed.


My true self is more flexible less rigid.


My true self is more resilient less anxious.


My true self is more action less avoidance.


My true self is more open less judgmental.


My true self is more alive less sad, lethargic.





The Ego is narrow, rigid, judgmental, adolescent, and “I” ruminate daily.

My “Ego” is UPSET WITH YOU !!!!!!!

This is part of the journey, exploring our inner world. We sit quietly, focusing on the breath, letting thoughts fade.



The “Ego” fades as our cognitive hemisphere (left side) quiets, then we enter our creative (egoless) right hemisphere.



We can observe our “Ego” from a distance, see it’s desire for approval, feel its anxiety dealing with criticism from another “Ego”.



After a while we can separate our “Ego” while we are cognitively engaged. We observe the one who thinks and judges.


The other day someone criticized a comment I made online about trauma. How dare them, this voice shouted from inside.



My “Ego” was insulted, angry, pissed as hell, fuming.



I took a few breaths and let go.


Observing from a distance, I discovered my “Ego” felt wounded and wanted revenge.



A choice had arrived. Do I follow my “Ego” and attack or do I go below the “Ego” and observe.



I smiled then laughed out loud, my “Ego” was more an appendage, like an arm or leg, not a vital organ.



Who cares if my “Ego” is pissed, not me.



I was not angry but amused, clear-headed and relaxed.



I had become familiar with my “Ego’s” patterns, desires and needs.



This male “Ego” was highly competitive, prone to action when criticized. He acted like an adolescent boy when perturbed.



Know your “Ego’s” desires, ambitions, weaknesses, and manipulative ways

Happiness and our “Ego” are strangers!


Let’s discuss happiness. It is much larger than an emotion. Emotions are ephemeral and fleeting, changing from one to another constantly. Happiness can last for days, weeks or more.



Happiness can be found in the midst of stress or pain. Happiness is an internal way of living.

Our “Ego” holds a much different reality.



This Ego we create thinks happiness is connected with him/her being inflated and in control. Our “Ego” seeks pleasure, approval and control.



The “Ego” judges each “Ego” it encounters as superior or inferior. Unfortunately it never feels equal to another “Ego”.



How can we find happiness with such a divisive creation?

Who is the Thinker?



Our “Ego” identifies with the Thinker, the one who thinks. I discovered while meditating, my Thinker would recede as an ever present Observer emerged.


This was a strange place at first, then after exploring, I found life had an expansive, brilliant side. Time dissolved, worries vanished, an inner peaceful feeling enveloped me.


This Observer had connections to worthiness, to opportunity, and to happiness. I felt more creative, free and worthy.


This worthy feeling was unfamiliar. What had I touched in my inner world?



My true self, just like your true self, perfect with an imperfect shell (body).


This Observer needs no approval, does not know of the existence of the past or future. He/She observes the world with wonderment and enthusiasm.



He/She has enormous gratitude for life and invests in giving without regard for reward.



He/She, as Observer, can find happiness in stressful times.



The Thinker suffers in stressful times. Thinking leads us into the past and future.



Happiness only exists in one time zone, this present moment.



You cannot be happy in the past or future. Why go there?

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