Posts Tagged ‘Ego’

Unintended consequences of meditation

.

.

My healing journey floundered through therapies with little impact.

Healing seemed impossible until I wandered into a new hybrid therapy that used mindfulness, ACT (Acceptance and Commitment therapy).

Being obsessed with healing, I meditated with a vengeance. Five hours a day for five years.

Healing was slow without direction or the wisdom needed to heal, so I sat more.

Healing arrived in subtle ways at first, then plotted a path to wellbeing.

Unintended consequences arrived with the planned ones.

My compassion center opened wide and I could feel others suffering intimately.

To this day seeing homeless people tears at me emotionally.

I feel their suffering immediately, it impacts my life, my thoughts, and my emotions.

It is a helpless feeling, I can not impact all this suffering.

My happiness is clouded with knowing these souls suffer in my midst.

Most people ignore or do not see these souls as people worth caring about.

Yesterday, while buying a pizza for my grandkids inside this crowded market, I asked for a extra slice.

While buying that piece of pizza, I announced that slice was for the homeless guy at the exit.

It was not to enhance my ego, but to show others it is ok to care and give.

Most were shocked, a few smiled and I could see the givers amongst me.

We need to be a country of givers, a society of compassionate souls.

The landscape I see does not resemble giving, we have become takers as a country.

Open your compassion center, giving to the less fortunate is a road that leads to a happy, fulfilled life.

We think money and power lead to happiness.

Happiness is not an isolated feeling, hard to be happy with suffering overwhelming our landscape.

Please share your feelings on others suffering.

.

.

If boredom is an issue, you are not using the mind properly!

tianya1223: Pixabay

.
.
From the book Buddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom by Rick Hanson.

“The brain is the primary mover and shaper of the mind.

It’s so busy that, even though it’s only 2 percent of the body’s weight, it uses 20–25 percent of its oxygen and glucose.

Like a refrigerator, it’s always humming away, performing its functions; consequently, it uses about the same amount of energy whether you’re deep asleep or thinking hard.

The number of possible combinations of 100 billion neurons firing or not is approximately 10 to the millionth power, or 1 followed by a million zeros, in principle; this is the number of possible states of your brain.”

.

.

.

My two cents: “1 followed by a million zeros”, possible states of our brain.

To me, it seems imperative we keep our minds focused, calm, aware.

That means the mind performs best going slow, focused, aware of where it is directing the mind or just being in the moment.

All those opportunities could be such a distraction, confusing, tiring, emotionally unnerving.

Be the captain of your mind, keep your ship calm and focused.
.
.
.

Willpower and engaging in the battle

rodobby: Pixabay

.

.

“Know that with practice there comes a time when the mind steadies, relaxes, and concentration becomes undivided.”

Buddha

.

.

.

My two cents: Meditation/Mindfulness is an accumulative practice.

The more you practice, the stronger the focus and benefits.

It is a battle of willpower against our Ego for control of the mind.

Our Ego must believe we are serious, that we are going to change before he/she loosens their grip.

Focus, sit with the breath in the middle of your anxiety and fear.

Curiosity and observation are the tools.

It is a simple task, an extremely challenging one at that.

Accept this challenge, battle for your freedom!

Surrender, be vulnerable, heal.

.

.

Ptsd makes us defensive maybe even in denial

.

.

I deal with people with PTSD, some with childhood Trauma.

Childhood trauma is a special kind of trauma, our brains have not developed, so trauma intertwines itself like an octopus with our mind.

Since trauma was endured over such a long period of time, healing is more arduous and lengthy. Remember trauma is stored with our abilities at the time it occurs.

Some trauma feels like a five year old memory to me.

Understand you have the cognitive abilities of a five year old when in the midst of this trigger firing.

Trying to think your way out will fail. It is a subconscious terrain that houses that memory.

We carry this trauma, reinforce the narrative we create with others. This narrative influences the “Ego” we create.

Think how we define “Who am I” with these influences.

Sometimes our narrative describes us as a victim of circumstance. Any narrative is a mirage.

I damn sure am not a superhero either, or some great savior of mankind.

PTSD sufferers will fight you to keep their narrative. This narrative excludes them from taking responsibility for their life.

What does your narrative say about you?

.

.

Who am I?

.

.

I was given my identity from my parents, my mother said God made me to be a professional baseball player. My father had stronger convictions about who I was.

Of course my “Ego” was created around this edict. “Who am I” was decided for me, “I” did not have a say according to my parents.

Before 30 I was out of professional baseball, who was I now has always been a conundrum for me.

My father treated me differently depending on my performance. Yes, it was complete conditioned love ❤️. A toxic love of brutality and control.

What hapoens when your first caregivers steal your identity?

You wander through life lost, looking for meaning, relevance, identity.

At 67 my “Ego” has dropped that baseball ⚾️ moniker.

It was hard to accept others definition of who you are.

My childhood was stolen. It is our job to limit the impact to just our childhood.

It was only my childhood, I have found out “Who I am “ during my healing journey.

I am not any label and definitely not unworthy.

I am present, aware and focused. That is enough!

I am a giver, a person with large amounts of gratitude, a content, calm, kind man.

That last sentence did not appear without great effort on my journey.

Find your true self through inner exploration and discovery.

Trauma is an invisible prison!

Refuse to label, stay present, alive, and active.

.

.

Navigating life with PTSD

.

.

As I shared in the last post, my fight or flight (defense) mechanism does not explode from my triggers anymore.

Yes, this is a great advantage and success for any PTSD sufferer.

What is left are the unworthy thoughts and judgments. My damaged self-image grew from a cruel narcissistic fathers constant criticism of a little boy.

Those fears still exist in a region of my memory. Hard to erase a whole childhood of terror.

My fear of a trigger has been cut dramatically but my trauma thoughts still carry hurt for me.

As I have shared, triggers, unworthy thoughts, high risk PTSD situations are not enjoyable but no lasting damage occurs.

We all have a memory bank of events that reinforce times we felt unworthy with PTSD erupting.

We avoided, denied or froze during these episodes.

One tool that has helped me, I refuse to think about, ruminate about or try to justify what happened during a trigger.

The less we think or judge any thought about our unworthiness is beneficial.

We heal by talking about our trauma with a therapist and only our therapist.

We heal by focusing on now and refusing to ruminate or leave this moment to enter the past or predict the future.

Thinking is our land mind, judging is sentencing us to more suffering in the PTSD world.

Now, I work to take the power from my unworthy thoughts that resist.

It is a journey, our awareness of life minute to minute does not end until we exit this planet.

.

.

The trick with happiness

.

.

Happiness seems to come from a well adjusted self and the ability to focus the mind.

More specifically, can we avoid getting drawn into drama, ours or others.

Can we avoid worrying, craving approval, complaining or blaming?

Can we be content?

In trigger situations (trauma drama) can we focus and let go.

Can we be calm and content with who we are, right now, this second.

Most of us think we need to improve, need to accomplish something or cure something before we are whole or capable of being happy.

Happiness does not exist in the future.

The trick is to stay present by letting the noise go and being open to enjoying what is directly in front of you.

It maybe fantastic but probably mundane and boring as we judge life.

The mundane and boring lead to happiness, well inside them if we take time to explore.

.

.

%d bloggers like this: