Posts Tagged ‘Ego’

My childhood was extremely violent: life was a battleground




Today I felt that old familiar total helplessness. Cortisol and adrenaline released in small quantities, but that feeling a huge man was about to beat my ass violently, gripped me.

The level of violence my dad perpetrated on me was intense. A specially made paddle with holes was hand made at the cabinet shop.

He was proud of his creation, he was a narcissist, I was his pawn.

Once a week at dinner, Lima beans were served. When my gag reflex would not let me ingest them, I puked, then got beat until he got tired.

Once a week.

Imagine if I did something wrong, his level of violence and rage escalated. Emotionally, constant criticism was his preferred vehicle of conversation.

After all my healing, all my meditating and practice, that demon still lives in my nervous system.

Childhood trauma leaves scars, some last the rest of our life.

My choice is obvious, avoid and isolate or accept, let go and be present.

It is always a simple solution to yesterday’s problems.

External stimulus either controls our mind or we focus and direct our attention to this moment.

My practice has not eliminated the damage but made it possible to enjoy life and experience happiness.

At every breath we have a choice, give in to judgment or stay present, focused and alive.



Another Acceptance post

Pixabay: mstlion



Acceptance was difficult for me. Struggling to accept who I was, became extremely arduous.

How do you accept a damaged self image, an abusive childhood, in this moment? I struggled.

I avoided, tried to fix me and suffering ensued.

As most humans, I thought change was needed, I could achieve something to gain happiness in the future.

Happiness only happens in one time zone, NOW!

Happiness is impossible to experience in the future.

So we trade our only chance for happiness in for some euphoric prize in the future.

Realize this is a mirage created by our “Ego” craving control of our body.

Accept all of you, grow gratitude and giving, then let go and enjoy the moment, it is all there is.

Whether we accept ourselves totally or live a life of worry or doubt, death visits all of us.

We are here to pursue happiness.

Happiness contains acceptance, gratitude, giving and a focused empty mind.

It’s about fully entering into our experience—residing in the physical reality of the present moment.



Lets get Creative: The Ego as Ventriloquist Dummy

Pixabay: makeitclear / 6 images



My Ego, my definition: He is the one who thinks, who gets angry, pissed, envious, even adolescent, craving approval, chasing pleasure.

A creative idea sprung forward. Why not treat my Ego like a ventriloquist dummy, an appendage type puppet.

Refer to him in the third person, an adolescent character, a virtual mini-me.

This fictitious character was created for identity, a bit player, not a starring role in our life.

Discount emotions, focus, explore below the surface, life is much, much deeper, if you just let go and observe.

That dummy can occupy way to much of our life.

Realize that dummy never feels equal to any other dummy he meets.

That dummy craves superiority, dominance, adulation.

My dummies cravings bring suffering and anguish.

Happiness is not connected with our Ego.



Let’s practice not being special!

Pixabay: dozemode



Today, relinquish all desire to be special. Can you tolerate being ordinary or even inept at something new.

Anything we struggle with, is a great proving ground for not being special. Join an expert group you have no knowledge about the subject.

When we are the novice, having nothing to add to the group, how does your “Ego” react.

Does he/she discount this group as not important, or lobby to exit this group. One thing for sure, our “Ego” does not like not being special.

We can learn our “Egos” personality in situations like this.

Observe his/her judgments and bias.

Do you agree with these judgments.

Do your “Egos” judgments harm or benefit your being?

In truth most harm!

Explore your inner world, know when the “Ego” is leading, judging and dominating.

Learn to observe, that is be present as the Aware Presence.

Aware Presence has no memory or thought, it is a neutral observer.



Running in Place: “Everyday Zen by Charlotte J. Beck

Pixabay: Rilsonav



The first stage in practice is to recognize that we’re not running in place, we’re always thinking about how our lives might be (or how they once were).

What is there in our life right now that we don’t want to run in place with? Whatever is repetitive or dull or painful or miserable: we don’t want to run in place with that. No indeed!

The first stage in practice is to realize that we are rarely present: we’re not experiencing life, we’re thinking about it, conceptualizing it, having opinions about it.

It is frightening to run in place. A major component of practice is to realize how this fear and unwillingness dominates us.

If we practice with patience and persistence, we enter the second stage.

We slowly begin to be conscious of the ego barriers of our life: the thoughts, the emotions, the evasions, the manipulations, can now be observed and objectified more easily.

This objectification is painful and revealing; but if we continue, the clouds obscuring the scenery become thinner.

And what is the crucial, healing third stage? It is the direct experiencing of whatever the scenery of our life is at any moment as we run in place.

Is it simple? Yes. Is it easy? No.



We have a Choice!!!!!!!!

Pixabay: geralt



Personally, life seemed to unfold much to quick, being abused dominated my existence.

My world was hyper critical, unworthiness permeated my thoughts, my being, my soul.

Always feeling not good enough, damaged my self worth.

My mind would be my worst enemy for 58 years, carrying those early judgments as gospel.

Most of our issues connect with the judgments we grasp.

The thoughts we entertain create our reality.

If I still believed I was flawed at my core, life would be miserable.

How can gratitude and giving thrive in my life?

In this moment right now, my opportunity is as great as anyone on this earth.

Not better, no worse, unlimited like you and me.

It is a choice to let the past go.

A choice to be present, focused and positive.

The choice to take action everyday changes us.






Charlotte joko Beck:

“So the way of practice that I’ve found to be the most effective is to increase the power of the observer.

Whenever we get upset we have lost it. We can’t get upset if we are observing, because the observer never gets upset.

“Nothing” can’t get upset. So if we can be the observer, we watch any drama with interest and affection, but without being upset.

I’ve never met anyone who had completely become the observer.

But there is a vast difference between someone who can be it most of the time and someone who can be it only rarely.

The aim of practice is to increase that impersonal space.

Although it sounds cold—and as a practice it is cold—it doesn’t produce cold people. Quite the opposite. When we reach a stage where the witness is collapsing, we begin to know what life is.

It’s not some spooky thing, however; it just means that when I look at another person, I look at them; I don’t add on ten thousand thoughts to what I am seeing.

And that is the space of compassion.

We don’t have to try to find it. It’s our natural state when ego is absent.”



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