Posts Tagged ‘Dissociation’

I did not think my PTSD would return.

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I did not think my PTSD would return.

 

I also, did not think I could heal, could feel inner peace, could be worthy, but I did.

 

 

Then a prescribed blood pressure med, or more accurately its side effect, ignited my nervous system and old triggers.

 

 

I did not think my mind would dissociate so easily without constant awareness.

 

My judgments of healing and mindfulness dreamed of a euphoric life, of few negative thoughts, fewer unworthy images and an easy, happy existence.

 

In reality, my life has changed dramatically but the adversity and daily challenges test my centeredness and calm.

 

It truly is a journey, a journey with daily choices.

 

I could be sad, could be depressed at times. My meditation practice gives me a choice, be present, neutral and calm or suffer.

 

 

I still have worry and doubt at times. Worry creeps in stealthily, unbeknownst to me at first, then I catch  negative emotions arriving.

 

I feel loss at times, then know it is a judgment, air unless I give it power.

 

Gratitude, humility and giving are the tools I use to counter my “Ego’s” need for control.

 

 

I did not think it would be so challenging, so hard, so harsh after so much work.

 

My abusive childhood, my violent, critical upbringing, has left deep ruts in my subconscious.

 

 

At least now, my “Ego” sits in the back seat of my car.

 

It is not perfect but no one said it would be.

 

I am grateful I have tools to make good choices.
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The Rollercoaster ride of PTSD! My crazy Path! Part 2!

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This trigger felt much worse than it actually turned out. I perceived danger, confusion, fear and anxiety. My Trauma thoughts always  catastrophizethe the event. What if this happens continually, I will suffer for the rest of my life!

 

 

Trauma is a huge bluff!!! BLUFF, BLUFF, BLUFF, BLUFF.

 

Besides our fight or flight mechanism firing, bp, heart rate and respiration rising along with loss of fine motor skills, nothing happens. My fight or flight mechanism is dormant when a trigger fires now. This is what we consider fear, the feeling of being afraid is linked to this mechanism. It prepares us for a lethal threat.

 

PTSD has stolen the code, the switch which initiates a trigger, spreading anxiety and fear, flooding our system with cortisol. It is memories of past danger that is the culprit. I know I am safe when a trigger erupts now. More important my body knows it from my exploration of my inner world.

 

That is one of the goals of a meditation practice.

 

When we dissociate, get lost in trauma thought, the default mode kicks in. We become focused on “I”, me, mine, their unworthiness, suffering and helplessness. Trauma is fueled continually in this default mode.

 

Playing defense helps me tremendously. I do not ruminate or grasp these thoughts. They are left alone to fade from consciousness. It is like a tug of war. Grab that rope even with one hand and the rest of your body is a prisoner.

 

My answer to this trigger was first to ignore the intrusive, negative, unworthy thoughts. Next I focus on my breath, my model, and brought approval and inner peace to the anxious feelings in my solar plexus.

 

Next, I meditated in half hour sets in the morning and night, bringing security and inner peace to my inner world. That soothed me and allowed me to use exposure therapy. I went back to similar spots where I was triggered.

 

This calmed the catastrophizing thoughts.

 

Now, a day later I am much better. Focused and more centered. It is not the end of the war but I won this battle.

 

You can also. Build your tools while things are calm.
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Paying attention to what we are doing!

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Tell me what you pay attention to

 

and I will tell you who you are.

 

– Jose Ortega y Gasset –
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What we perceive becomes our reality.

 

 

The trick is to spend time empty of thought, in this present moment, observing reality.

 

 

Observing the thinker until he/she fades from consciousness, enables  awareness to see beneath our bias.
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There was no sense of a self owning them.”

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“As I noticed feelings and thoughts appear and disappear,

 

 

it became increasingly clear that

 

 

they were just coming and going on their own. . . .

 

 

There was no sense of a self owning them.”

 

– Tara Brach
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Incredibly there are 60,000 thoughts that enter our consciousness everyday, about one a second.

 

Common sense tell us that during this last minute (60 seconds), we did not grasp 60 thoughts.

 

Why do we choose negative ones more often?

 

The “Ego” chooses thought, while our true self chooses to be empty in this present moment.

 

 

Being lost in thought constantly, fuels depression, anxiety, PTSD and suffering.
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Updated: Mindfulness: A Simple Outline!!!!


Frank Glick took this photo at Fort Snelling National Cemetery. When he recorded the shot, he never could have guessed how much it was going to mean to the widow of the World War II veteran buried there. — Star Tribune
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Each step fulfilled leads to the next step. Healing or happiness does not arrive from a calm, a mellow straight line path. Rather, it is a path with set backs, turmoil and stress.

 

 

It is a path inhabited with intense terror, enormous anxiety and fear of the unknown.

 

 

It is an infinitely simple path, visually, a mundane looking innocent exercise. It unfolds like this:

 

 

Awareness (Paying attention, Finding ourselves lost in thought then coming back to now)

 

 

Mindfulness (daily focus  on the breath,  No goals, no doubts, no worries)

 

 

Acceptance (ok with uncomfortable, awkward, letting go of thought and judgment)

 

 

Surrender (no resistance, heart is a butterfly net, catch your fears with your net)

 

 

Gratitude (desires in perspective,  we have what we need, look for ways to give others)

 

 

Giving (In a loving kindness way, no reward needed, do not write a check, see and talk to those you help)

 

 

Freedom (Life expands, the ego has faded for a moment, take calculated risks with a smile)

 

 

Happiness (the mind empties, life deepens, expands, opportunity is unlimited)

 

 

More happiness hopefully.
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Neuroscience combined with the Breath

 

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As I work with trauma people trying to heal, I am reminded how confusing, paralyzing and scary the journey can be.

 

 

PTSD feels like an enormous monster, a monster we are extremely vulnerable to. This monster is not external, he/she works from the inside.

 

 

We carry our unworthiness, our fear, our trauma inside our mind and inside our body.

 

 

The “Ego” we have created is also vulnerable, he/she is never equal to another “Ego”.

 

 

He/She craves approval, despises criticism.    He/She is the culprit who ruminates (dissociates) into past danger or future worry.

 

 

Our mind is our worst enemy or greatest asset.

 

 

Funny but using the breath with our focus, changes brain chemistry, changes our lives.

 

 

The mind is so plastic that it can change in a month.

 

 

Be smart, combine neuroscience with meditation (the breath) and reap the benefits.
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In Touch: How to tune in to the inner guidance of your body and trust yourself

 

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Recognizing and living in accord with our inner knowing does not guarantee an easy life or objectively successful outcomes.

 

It does not ward off accidents (as we saw in Kelly’s case), illness, or death.

 

It does allow us to deal with these events with more inner space, grace, and creativity.

 

Discovering and following the sense of inner knowing does not make us omniscient, rich, powerful, or famous, nor does it make us the master of the universe.

 

If anything, it turns us into a humble servant of something that is unimaginably greater than our separate self.

 

It does not put us in control of our life; it invites us to surrender what apparent control we have and to let go into a greater wisdom and a deeper love that is concerned with the whole of life.
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