Posts Tagged ‘Dissociation’

Observing the Thinker

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Aware Presence, I used to describe this as our true self, is the observer of our mind and body.

Our mind and body changes with age, our Aware Presence stays exactly the same.

Aware Presence only exists in the present moment and is not part of the body or mind.

That means we have no memory of our Aware Presence. The thinker has subsided when our Aware Presence comes forward.

Remember we can observe our thoughts and the thinker.

Our Aware Presence observes this Thinker.

Each time we meditate, our goal is to hook up with this Aware Presence.

Start today, meditate for five focused minutes. Start small and enjoy the journey.

No matter what we carry in our memory banks, the amount of worry we have stressed about or the trauma that haunts us, it has no impact on our Aware Presence.

Let thought go, release guilt and shame, try to be present, without thought.

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The Freeze type and dissociative defense

Pixabay: STAANGHERLIN

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Complex PTSD: From surviving to thriving.

Of all the 4F’s, freeze types seem to have the deepest unconscious belief that people and danger are synonymous. While all 4F types commonly suffer from social anxiety as well, freeze types typically take a great deal more refuge in solitude.

Some freeze types completely give up on relating to others and become extremely isolated. Outside of fantasy, many also give up entirely on the possibility of love.

Right-Brain Dissociation: It is often the scapegoat or the most profoundly abandoned child, “the lost child”, who is forced to habituate to the freeze response. Not allowed to successfully employ fight, flight or fawn responses, the freeze type’s defenses develop around classical or right-brain dissociation.

Dissociation allows the freeze type to disconnect from experiencing his abandonment pain, and protects him from risky social interactions-any of which might trigger feelings of being retraumatized.

If you are a freeze type, you may seek refuge and comfort by dissociating in prolonged bouts of sleep, daydreaming, wishing and right-brain-dominant activities like TV, online browsing and video games.

Freeze types sometimes have or appear to have Attention Deficit Disorder [ADD]. They often master the art of changing the internal channel whenever inner experience becomes uncomfortable.

When they are especially traumatized or triggered, they may exhibit a schizoid-like detachment from ordinary reality. And in worst case scenarios, they can decompensate into a schizophrenic experience like the main character in the book, I Never Promised You a Rose Garden.

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A follower answers “Why is it so hard to take action”

Pixabay: johnhain

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I am reflecting. For me I think part of it is being beat down to low or no self esteem. You get so convinced you cannot do anything right that you just quit trying. Why try one more thing so you can fail again? Just hide in the hole that has been dug for you to live in instead of taking the chance of crawling out by the fingernails one more time.

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Thank you for your input. PTSD is epidemic, how to heal is complex and not easily found or understood.

Without proper tools and direction, PTSD can be a formidable opponent. I tried to think my way out and ended up agoraphobic.

Can you tolerate trying one more time with some key wisdom and mindfulness skills?

PTSD will get worse as we heal. Healing was violent internally, highly emotional and anxious as my abuse integrated and let go.

Meditation is a roto rooter, it will dig up unworthiness, anxiety and trauma.

Meditation plots a course directly at the center of our trauma. We are on a collision course, the path less travelled.

I guess my blog and mindfulness group is about hope.

Giving hope to those who think getting better is impossible.

I failed over and over, tried one therapy after another, holistic healers, acupuncture, massage and out of the box cures. Nothing helped, I got worse.

My fathers abuse built a strong sense of determination, I was lucky.

We all have inner strengths and boundless worth inside us.

I would encourage everyone to start meditating, applying mindfulness daily.

Healing is incremental, a little each day.

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Surrender is the way we battle PTSD!

Pixabay: mohamed_hassan

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Matthew Ricard explains happiness as a two part journey, first refuse to ruminate in negative thought, next put yourself in situations that happiness inhabits.

It is mandatory we accomplish the first requirement (not dissociating) or happiness loses any chance of becoming reality.

Awareness of our self talk becomes necessary.

Like a resume, we reconstruct a worthy “Ego”, overflowing with self approval and kindness.

Healing and happiness are an internal uncovering of the perfect real self, hidden inside our trauma.

We are not constructing a worthy being, just letting go the cloud which conceals the real me (you).

You and me are as worthy as every being on this planet.

If you lived through childhood abuse, being worthy is not a sentiment we are familiar with.

Realize the real battle, it is not trying to influence the noise.

Letting the noise exit is our goal.

Surrender is our sword in the battle of PTSD!

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Unworthy thoughts!

Pixabay: ElisaRiva

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When negative or unworthy thoughts appear, remember the mind can only hold a finite number of thoughts at one time.

I repeat my affirmation, In this moment, right now, I accept all of me. Kindness surrounds my body, a content, calm flows inside me.

So replacing unworthy thoughts with positive ones is a decent strategy. When focus strengthens, we can let these thoughts fade on their own, a better strategy.

It takes practice, building confidence, then facing our fear to improve. Getting better has always aroused deep seated fear.

In childhood it was the threat of abandonment, the ultimate terror for a helpless kid. Fight, flight or freeze became freeze for me. How can you fight a giant or flee to where, as a 6 year old?

I always knew my PTSD symptoms were aroused when I would feel like a child. I was more sensitivity, hyper-vigilant, anxious and frightened.

PTSD fear became the unknown at times, a future disaster on the horizon. My triggers were so irrational, ridiculous, funny if they did not fire my adrenal stress response.

When I was younger, public speaking was my ultimate fear.

I had no clue my trauma was manifesting my deep unworthiness into panic. In front of a group my anxiety made it hard to breathe, terror filled my being.

If a speech was scheduled a week from today, I would die an arduous death daily. By the day of the speech, hospitalization would be kinder or a firing squad.

Knowing real fear was not present cognitively did not stop my triggers firing, or panic exploding.

Thinking will not heal us, being able to focus and not think for periods of time will.

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Trust is tough for abused kids

http://mrtuk.tumblr.com/

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When a friend betrays me, it feels like a heavy burden.

Seems like I am wounded from the inside.

Trust constricts, life narrows.

Danger appears, I feel it around me!

It takes me time to unwind this old narrative when you live with complex PTSD.

Some of us were abandoned throughout childhood, my attachment physically was a paddle from my father.

That old record can still punch its number on my home juke box, playing “Someone done me wrong Song” again.

I have to clear this mess, let the old narrative go.

It takes a few days, it is not instantaneous.

I thought when I healed life would be simpler, easier, care free like others.

That is another judgment, expectation I have released.

Each of our lives start at a different place and progress at different speeds.

Comparing to others has never benefited me, in fact, it has damaged me.

No moral in this story, lots of roadblocks and distractions on our roadway.

If I do not judge, this breath is perfect, I think!

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Being Vulnerable

pixabay: stevepb

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Learning to experience fear and pain was paramount for me to heal.

I learned to accept, then surrender to triggers. It was an arduous journey wrought with irrational fear and confusion.

Persistent, daily practice chipped away at my fears little by little.

I learned to experience the trigger thoughts without judgment or resistance.

In fact I teach this in my mindfulness group.

Surrender is our most powerful strength!

What we resist, persists.

I fought my PTSD and it grew, I surrendered to it and it collapsed.

Counterintuitive yes, but surrendering is part of healing, the ultimate act of letting go.

We heal by not thinking or talking about our details and symptoms.

Practice, take small, specific, concrete steps and heal.

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