Posts Tagged ‘Desire’

My “Ego” is Stealthy, Adolescent and Manipulative!

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Awareness brings my manipulative “Ego” into focus. I believe some of this is hard-wired from my abusive, critical, and violent childhood. My “Ego” has never felt equal to another “Ego” (yours either).

 

The need for approval, for being appreciated, runs deep in my unworthy inner child. That critic, that resentful little voice, tears at my wellbeing.

 

Take this blog,:  I have to admit, I want relevance, approval for my knowledge, my blog.   Yes, having a 100,000 avid followers would stroke my “ego” and brings a feeling of relevance.   I see this as shallow and impermanent but it has power at times.

 

 

Does having more followers equal happiness?   Ask yourself if 90,000 left one day, how would that feel?  The crowd is very fickle and can turn against you.

 

This attachment makes me vulnerable to external forces, a path to suffering and anxiety.

 

Following this unworthy dialogue backwards, it is a perceived need that leads me to suffer. My “Ego” has felt unworthy, not good enough, almost shameful when PTSD is active. My “Ego” feels threatened as an adolescent at times.


When I meditate and examine this dilemma, approval or criticism is external. Also criticism or approval can change outside my influence. My life suffers when I buy into this belief. It is a mirage!


I am aware when my “Ego” feels insulted or damaged. He wants to retaliate against a perceived threat. He thinks retaliation can change my unworthiness.

 

It is such a subconscious, complex mechanism from childhood abuse. Life activates this difficulty from time to time.


I thought healing, emptying my amygdala of all the stored trauma would last forever. Now I know somethings will always be below the surface, capable of bringing that hell back into my life.

 

Knowing approval, respect or criticism has nothing to do with my wellbeing does not quell its massive need to protect itself.


I have learned to be intensely aware of my “Egos” need to be resentful, childish, reactive and destructive.

 

For some of us, a constant vigil of awareness is needed.
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Living Backwards

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“Often people attempt to live their lives backwards;

 


they try to have more things, or more money,

 


in order to do more of what they want,

 


so they will be happier.

 


The way it actually works is the reverse.

 


You must first be who you really are,

 


then do what you need to do,

 

 

in order to have what you want.”


~Margaret Young
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My two cents: Happiness is an internal way of being, living, not an accumulation of external possessions.

 

 

The journey discovers our inner world, our true nature.

 

 

 

All we need is inside us.
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Matthew Ricard: Pleasure is exhausted by usage, like a candle consuming itself.”

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My two cents: Desire a noun: longing or craving, as for something that brings satisfaction or enjoyment: ie pleasure.

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Fulfilling our desires does not quench the desire, in fact desire can be bottomless, never ending.

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Desires are limitless. What politician has enough power, approval or money. What “Ego” is satisfied in their position in life?

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Follow any desire that arises, then gets fulfilled and see that satisfaction does nothing to extinguish our desires.

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After our basic needs are met, desire can be the detour that eliminates our chance at happiness.

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Happiness exists in the act of gratitude and giving, not coveting our neighbors condition.

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How strong are your desires?

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Does jealousy or resentment live inside your current condition?

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Let go of that need to possess things.

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Needing others approval is a really big thing for most of us.
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Our Blind Force: “DESIRE”

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“Everyone would agree that desire is natural and plays an essential role in helping us to realize our aspirations.

 

But desire is only a blind force that in itself is neither helpful nor harmful.”

Matthew Ricard
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My two cents: We have erroneously judged many things to contain happiness, that only offer momentary pleasure or avoidance of blame.

 

We think praise from others contains happiness! We think criticism damages our soul.

 

 

Neither has anything to do with happiness. External stimuli does not decide our wellbeing.

 


Nothing external can reach our spirit, our soul.

 

 

Victor Frankl came out of Auschwitz and wrote “Man’s Search for Meaning.”

 


The human spirit, our soul can find meaning in the worst of conditions.

 


The human spirit can also find suffering in the best of conditions.

 

 

It is our choice to find purpose and meaning out of the only life we have.
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Why is change so difficult???????????

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Where does all the resistance come from? Why do we isolate, avoid unpleasant situations and people. Why do we chase and covet pleasant situations, people who approve of us, accomplishment, power, status and security?

 

Seems a decent strategy to avoid pain and soak up accomplishment in the short-term. Counterintuitive, knowing this strategy leads to suffering.

 

We have practiced habits, patterns of behavior, some subconscious in origin. We have created an “Ego” to mirror our habitual patterns. Our identity is wrapped around this “Ego”. Be it a banker, athlete, monk, priest, accountant, home maker, actor, philanthropist, etc.

 

 

Inside this cocoon, we judge ourself, find a place where we believe we fit, belong. When we enter a room, our “Ego” scans the occupants and decides if we are superior or inferior, then ranks our status.

 

 

Yes, this is superficial and kind of crazy. First, the “Ego” is a mirage, we are not what we think or judge. Second those occupations are what we do, not who we are.

 

 

Our mind is the issue, also the solution.

 

 

Fear of the unknown and this “Ego” are the main culprits keeping us from changing. We would rather suffer a known situation than risk changing, even when there is a possibility of success.

 

 

The “Ego” covets complete control. Healing means the “Ego” loses more and more control. In reality the “Ego” does not know what is good or bad for us. The “Ego” only, desires complete control.

 

 

Remember he/she generates 60,000 thoughts daily to influence where we place our attention.

 

 

You will definitely encounter your own “Ego” if you take this healing journey. He/She is not evil, he/she is only a follower not our captain.

 

 

Training the mind to empty and focus takes power from the “Ego”.
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Choices??

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Let’s begin in the shower, first thing in the morning. Our mind will turn itself into planning the day before us.

 

This is the first opportunity of the day, first choice. Do we look forward to the day with enthusiasm? Do we search ways to avoid or navigate around people and things?

 

Are we in a foul mood, unhappy, agitated, resentful, angry at life and our position in it.

 

That foul mood is a choice! A conscious choice we can let go.

 

Every morning we can choose to be present, focused and enthusiastic.

 

Once again we control only ATTITUDE and EFFORT.

 

First thing in the morning is the perfect chance to choose the present good mood, right now.

 

Feeling sorry for ourselves, feeling depressed or anxious, steals minutes, hours and days, we will never get back.

 

Time on this earth is limited, act like it, be aware.

 

At least be aware when WE waste precious life.
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A component of happiness is plenty of Gratitude

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Photograph by Agorastos Papatsanis, National Geographic Your Shot
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We need to search and uncover our gratitude. It exists, right there under the surface, under our noses.
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It is hidden by desire, jealousy, need, anxiety, worry, doubt and anger.
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If we covet others possessions or status, gratitude is lost.
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If our desires morph into needs, gratitude disappears.
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Search and write down all you have to be grateful for.
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Simple things we overlook, mundane everyday things, little things are important.
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Happiness is not chasing pleasure, fulfilling desires.
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It is more about appreciating all we have.
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After gratitude overflows our chalice, compassion centers open and giving gains prominence
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Giving without regard for reward enriches our chance for a happy life.
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Takes daily practice and application to unfold.
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