Posts Tagged ‘depression’

Childhood trauma alters our brain, our behavior, our relationship with trust

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Childhood abuse changes the development of the young mind.

Instead of normal caregiver attachments and supportive growth, an abused child has to focus on survival.

My adolescent brain feared my father, dominated my thoughts exclusively. Every action or situation throughout my childhood, I tried to not piss off my father.

While regular life was a blur, my mind focused entirely on the lethal threat my dad posed for my young, damaged ego.

When PTSD erupted at 55, my mind gave all focus to these intrusive thoughts. PTSD was more 24/7 than a trigger here and another tomorrow.

I guess it became a habit from my earliest memories.

Life seems to stop for me, trauma takes over, having only trauma thoughts in my consciousness, minute by minute.

How does PTSD enter your consciousness?

Is it there in the background, is it dormant then explodes or does it dominate your existence? Please share.

I know my friends think my total absorption into trauma is not normal.

People who have not suffered serious PTSD have no clue what terror this mental disorder causes.

How does PTSD impact your thoughts and minute by minute existence?

My childhood trauma dominated thought before it was integrated.

I knew my father well, had a whole childhood to understand his methods.

After my childhood was integrated, I thought healing was complete.

Last week a new trauma appeared hidden by my childhood trauma.

This new trauma did not involve my father and happened when I was 19.

This trauma is different than my dads abuse, involves a woman, betrayal and public humiliation in front of my peers.

Our childhood abuse renders us vulnerable to others abuse.

We have a difficult time with trust, relationships and have no idea how to pick a mate we can trust.

Love is a word we have no concept what it is.

When we are betrayed, it reinforces our childhood abuse, our perceived unworthiness. Betrayal arrives like emotional death, it destroys what little trust we could muster.

Our mates have no idea the extreme damage their behavior can cause us. Some do not care and for us a tragic selection we will pay a heavy toll.

My friends see my life and behavior through their normal childhood eyes.

They have no clue the atrocities I have endured and the fear that I live with or they would never talk or act like they do.

I have lost friends because of the harshness and insensitivity of their words. That is not past tense, I lost a dear friend this week because of their actions towards me.

They will never know how deeply they harm us.

At 68 my abuse still takes a toll.

They do damage as they condescend and belittle my PTSD.

Have you ever caused someone to get PTSD, or traumatized a mate.

Better check your behavior to your PTSD friends if you care for them.

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Traumatic Stress Disorder Fact Sheet

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From Sidran Institute: Traumatic Stress Education and Advocacy

Facts at a Glance

▪ An estimated 70 percent of adults in the United States have experienced a traumatic event at least once in their lives and up to 20 percent of these people go on to develop posttraumatic stress disorder, or PTSD.

▪ An estimated 5 percent of Americans—more than 13 million people—have PTSD at any given time.

▪ Approximately 8.7 percent of all adults—1 of 13 people in this country—will develop PTSD during their lifetime.

▪ About 3.6% of adults in the United States suffer from PTSD during the course of a year.

▪ An estimated 1 out of 9 women will get PTSD at some time in their lives. Women are about twice as likely as men to develop PTSD.

Extreme Trauma and PTSD

▪ PTSD may develop following exposure to extreme trauma.

▪ Extreme trauma is a terrifying event or ordeal that includes actual or threatened death, serious injury, or sexual violence

▪ Exposure includes directly experienced or witnessing the trauma, learning about a close family or friend experiencing a violent or accidental event, or has experiencing repeated or extreme exposure to aversive details of a traumatic event

The stress caused by trauma can affect all aspects of a person’s life including mental, emotional, and physical well-being.

My two cents: The other kind of PTSD not listed, is Complex PTSD.

Complex PTSD develops because of repeated traumas over a long period of time.

An entire childhood of abuse is more complex then a simple event.

For added harm, the mind is not develop when the abuse takes place.

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Value and loss or lost in thought.

Thank you Dar for this pic

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Scarcity seems to give value to things. Gold, gems and jewels are rare, valued with exorbitant price tags.

Emotionally, approval, status, power and control are highly prized possessions.

Not really possessions, however coveted on equal terms.

After basic needs, shelter, safety, sustenance and a little attachment, what is most valuable to you?

Kids, family, a mate, or BFF would be many first choices.

After those, what brings us closer to being happy, content or equanimous?

The space between my ears is the most important, most valuable possession for me.

Whatever I let percolate in this space decides my attitude, my personality, my life.

My mind has been filled with intrusive thoughts from PTSD, which brought enormous suffering.

Confusion, worry, doubt and fear link up with thought to make a misery soup for dinner.

During this pandemic, thoughts of being bored, unthinkable to imagine a meditator to be depressed, entered my head.

My next decision decides whether suffering or freedom rules. We do not decide which thoughts arrive but we do choose to engage or stay present.

My mind focused, empty of thought, observing life without judgment, experiences joy, freedom.

That is a calm, content, deep feeling of wonderment some days, mundane joy on other days.

My bad memories, childhood abuse and all the loss disappears when I let my mind empty out all its thoughts.

Life has opportunity if I let these distractions go.

Worry and doubt are judgments, negative future erroneous predictions.

Living in the moment eliminates many, many, many issues.

Remember our attention, that is where we aim it, is the most power we possess.

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’YOU are NOT your THOUGHTS’

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Those with PTSD, anxiety, depression or another mental disorder, live with a constant, seemingly unending flow of negative, maybe even scary thoughts.

In a strange way I honored these thoughts as reality, as true.

It was all I had ever been exposed to. The totality of my experience yielded an extremely unworthy self image (Ego).

My Mindfulness/Meditation practice helped me explore my inner world, the place these unworthy thoughts hide.

Mindfulness teaches us to observe our thoughts without judgment or influence.

Look how fixated we become when someone angers us, disrespect us, or tries to harm us.

The more I identity with with my unworthiness, the more biased and violent my response will be.

My thoughts stole forty plus years of my life, so do not underestimate there power.

Now, I have learned to let thoughts fade.

I have learned my best chance at a happy life is multiplied a 1,000,000,000,000,000 times if I can stay present, observing the now.

It is true. My life sucks if I allow trauma thoughts to percolate for any amount of time.

Any thoughts?

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Simple, Small Actions repeated daily

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Let us apply this idea of simple, small actions daily to our mental issues.

Mental disorders are complex and confusing, cortisol and adrenaline are secreted when our fight or flight mechanism fires.

Dissociation, leaving this moment to enter the past or future lost in thought, distorts time and reality.

This is a complex mechanism, we can get lost, depressed or terrified.

Therapies can also be complex and overwhelming.

My path out was simple.

Simple actions repeated over and over everyday.

It takes believing this path will work, because healing takes time and improvement is subtle and small at first.

I faced my fears using focus on my breath to stay present, observing, not judging the scary thoughts.

It took a simple action combined with a bunch of trust and courage.

It is more beneficial to take a small action than read a 100 books or take a 100 classes.

The first question becomes, What is holding me back from taking small actions?

Yesterday hiking I played this affirmation over and over as I enjoyed the scenery:

In this moment, right now, I feel my body overflowing with Kindness, Approval and Safety.

It takes me no extra effort to hit play as I hike.

Concentrate on the activity and leave results alone.

Results or answers will not arrive cognitively, it is more intuitive, organic, through the body.

Any thoughts or ideas to add?

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Chronic Pain group and Suffering

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After my triple rollover on I-5 south, after the fusions, many doctors and therapies I was left with serious chronic pain.

Along with 14 other unfortunate souls, I joined a real chronic pain group. It was depressing knowing this was my peer group.

Group was stressful at first, so many medications and fear of the unknown. You find out quickly that you share five or six different traits.

I ranked myself in the middle of the group, and damn glad I was not hurt as bad as some. Mostly spinal injuries for all 15 of us.

We all just wanted to go back to our life as it was. Hold on to that desire and suffering will be your partner.

After six months my inner guide knew it was time to change.

I threw out my pills and started to hike. My pain increased and desperately wanted me to stop.

As a jock, this was a battle I knew well. After a month of hiking everyday, my chronic pain began to compress.

I learned my thoughts and emotions could increase or decrease my pain.

I challenged another in group to follow me.

His name is Rick and this is a response from this post:

https://ptsdawayout.com/chronic-pain/

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“Everything in this article is true! I personally witnessed Marty go through this. My name is Rick and I was in the same pain management group when I met Marty and he can a test to the fact that I was close to death! A lot closer then I am today. Let me explain…

I have had 5 back surgery’s. I have a Med. Pump implanted in me which was maxed out feeding me Dilotded 24 hours a day and a spinal cord stimulator implanted in me and at the time I was taking Morphine,Percocet pulse Soma nothing helped the pain! I wanted to die! I thought my life was over.

I was only 34 when I got hurt at work and after 8 years of uncertainty and the thought of not being able to provide for my family I was at my end!

I met Marty in my pain management group and I saw someone who had a way out! I started to walk more and stop feeling sorry for myself and realized there is more to life and I cant give up! Now I’m 51 years old, Marty and I still keep in touch even though I live in TX. now. I visit with him every time I get back home. I am now doing some Acting in films and enjoying life with out all the drugs.”

Thanks Marty

Rick

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Pain: Part Three, 3

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“For many patients, what’s worse is the invisible nature of their condition.

‘You can’t see pain, and this is a very big thing for these people,’ says Gustin.

‘With my work, I can educate people that it’s a physical pain that results from subtle changes in the brain.’

According to Gustin, the research demonstrates that interaction between brain cells is damaged in the brains of people with chronic pain.

‘It’s in an unhealthy way, and we can change that.

The border, the thalamus, can actually close, and we can do that with neuro-feedback.

‘We can change the way the cells talk to each other and we can actually rewrite the painful memories.’

My thoughts on Control

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In my opinion, many think we control our life, our destiny.

In my generation, college was a way to get control of our future.

Control seems to be linked to success, power and possessions.

One thing I have no control of, the 60,000 thoughts that show up everyday.

My influence comes from reacting or not reacting to these thoughts.

A good percentage of my daily thoughts bring worry, doubt, fear and anxiety (childhood trauma).

This is my daily battle, let the noise go or grasp and suffer.

The battle is lost if we engage these unworthy thoughts.

Depression, anxiety, PTSD and other mental disorders incubate around thinking.

Negative emotional thought can dominate life.

If you suffer from PTSD or depression you have experienced the suffering caused by rumination in our past trauma.

The “Ego” believes he/she can control our life through these past thoughts.

If we grant this control, we are a victim and life is full of suffering.

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Love yourself, first

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“Love yourself first and everything else falls into line.

You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.”

– Lucille Ball –

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My two cents: Loving yourself probably seems obvious to most, but to those who were raised by a violent, abusive caregiver, it is a foreign concept.

Even today at 68, unworthy thoughts still arrive in my consciousness daily.

I know the value of being vigilant, being aware of my inner voice (critic).

I can not control the 60,000 thoughts that arrive everyday, but I can let them pass without influence.

We choose where we place our attention.

Choose worthy, positive thoughts.

Choose intelligent areas to excel, to take action, to take risks.

Be content with your effort.

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Navigating judgment: Easter Style

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In a way my mindfulness practice manages my judgments.

If I feel bored, mindfulness has taught me, this is an erroneous judgment. This is a signal my needy “Ego” has brought desires I must have or else.

What a crock of bs that judgment has become. I laugh when a desire or need besides the basics tries to draw me into lacking.

After food, shelter, security, a little community, etc. need is not connected to wellbeing. If you feel lack, explore your erroneous judgments.

The Unknown can be a monster, like an abstract Demon haunting our thoughts, stealing valuable time never to be recovered.

No matter if we are poor or filthy rich, the unknown does not care. If worry is your weakness, the unknown is your scary ghost.

I have learned not to focus on my own plight without seeing the bigger picture.

There is always many, many more people suffering worse than us.

If I think about the plight of vulnerable children, my burden lightens.

I have cultivated kindness, gratitude and giving while meditating.

Learned to stay present and live in the moment.

Thoughts, judgments and negative emotions can create fear, worry and doubt.

Adopt the idea we are on this journey together, in harmony.

This pandemic highlights those souls to poor to have healthcare having enormous impact our health more than ever believed in the past.

Those homeless could spread this pandemic. All of a sudden their wellbeing impacts us.

In this small town, we started to House the homeless at the fairgrounds.

Who thought that could ever happen?

Took a pandemic to show us, we are all on this journey together.

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