Posts Tagged ‘depression’

Codenpendency: How to give up control and stop Rescuing Everyone

A4CBB353-1827-4AEE-A5AD-9362BF61E88D

.
.

“Dr Nicholas Jenner”


“Codependency is a lot about control and controlling others. I have documented various methods frequently on this blog and how they manifest themselves into the typical dysfunctional behaviour associated with codependency.

Codependents need control to feel secure and are loath to give this power away.

 

One of the more common forms of control employed by codependents is the “art” of rescuing. Many helpful, caring people, especially those that identify as codependent, impulsively rescue others from their self-imposed predicaments.

 

They stay far too long in dysfunctional helping and giving relationships even when their resources or relationships are strained, or they enable others’ addiction, incompetence, or irresponsibility and they do this for a very specific reason.

 

Codependent rescuing means that the codependent retains power and control over the codependent object. They assume that people around them need help and step in even if it is clear they don’t.

 

Every time this happens, it plays into the “drama triangle” of rescuer, persecutor and victim mentalities that drive codependent

 

Often when help is pushed onto another person when they don’t really want it, it gives the codependent the chance to become the victim whether the help is accepted or not.

 

Codependents meet their needs dysfunctionally by adopting the victim role in any situation hoping to attract sympathy and validation from those around them.

 

Anger, blaming and passive aggression can ensue, leading to the next cycle.

 

By rescuing, codependents place themselves in a superior role to their victim.

 

They are saying “You need me and you are helpless without me”.

 

This leads inevitably to feelings of resentment on both sides.

 

The key is to avoid “one-up or one-down” behaviours. The following is a list of suggestions to help with this.

 

650CFCA1-2D6A-4A69-A410-9D57D9CE6833

 

1. Be conscious and avoid giving advice unless asked for. Don’t interrupt and listen effectively to avoid assumptions.

2. Don’t help your partner or anyone else without them asking you to do so. You can do this by openly asking “What can I do?”.

3. Offer support rather than advice. “I can help but maybe you need to see what you can do first”

4. Learn to say “No” and set boundaries around your own behaviour and that of those who are willing to let you rescue them.

5. Don’t assume that you need to do 100% of the work to solve any issue. Talk with your partner and promote equality. “I will do this, what are you prepared to do?”

6. Share any feelings of resentment that are building openly and honestly.

7. Recognise when your partner (or anyone) is inviting rescuing behaviour by playing the victim, feigning illness, etc. Counter with firm boundaries.

8. Learn to ask for your needs to be met in a healthy way.

9. Avoid power moves like avoiding responsibility, escalation, shouting, playing the martyr or reminding your partner of everything you have done for them.

10. Avoid “one-down” victim behaviour that manipulates feelings and behaviour from others.

Avoiding power and control games is one of the key issues of codependent recovery.

 

Many find it difficult to release themselves as the behaviour is so engrained in their personality and thinking.

 

However, once this is done, codependents can look forward to a life free of the “drama triangle” that has been so devastating to them in their lives”.

.

.

 

Choices: Expectations and happiness or suffering


.
.
After our basic needs are met, happiness is possible without added achievement, possessions, status, or approval.

 

We choose to create external expectations, (cars, careers, titles, approval, etc).
Unfulfilled expectations lead to loss, sadness, jealousy and maybe depression.

 

We need nothing more than the basics if we live in this moment. Nothing wrong with possessions, just realize happiness is not contained in ownership.

 

On the opposite side of opulence, these awakened monks take a vow of poverty and service. They Meditate for hours each day, offering up loving kindness for all sentient beings.

 

They are acknowledged as being the happiest beings on this planet.

 

They lose no sleep with concerns about owning possessions, titles or wielding power.


Humility and giving dominate their thoughts and behavior.

 

Society associates happiness with business success, status, power and possessions.

 

How would you explain lives like Mother Theresa, Mandela, Lincoln?

 

 Lives of service, sacrifice and giving. The opposite of  pleasure-seeking.

 

Many lives that had incredible hardships, huge emotional loss, were extremely satisfying.
.
.

 

“Fragmentation and Internal Struggles”. Part 2


.
.
The theoretical model that best explained the phenomena they described was the Structural Dissociation model of Onno van der Hart, Ellert Nijenhuis, and Kathy Steele (2004).

 


Rooted in a neuroscience perspective and well-accepted throughout Europe as a trauma model, it was a good fit for me as a firm believer and spokesperson for a neurobiologically informed approach to trauma and trauma treatment.

 


The theory describes (Van der Hart, Nijenhuis & Steele, 2006) how the brain’s innate physical structure and two separate, specialized hemispheres facilitate left brain-right brain disconnection under conditions of threat.

 


Capitalizing on the tendency of the left brain to remain positive, task-oriented, and logical under stress, these writers hypothesized that the disconnected left brain side of the personality stays focused on the tasks of daily living, while the other hemisphere fosters an implicit right brain self that remains in survival mode, braced for danger, ready to run, frozen in fear, praying for rescue, or too ashamed to do anything but submit.

 

 

In each individual client, I could see that some parts were easier to identify with or “own” and some parts were easier to ignore or dismiss as “not me.”
Internally, the parts were also in conflict: was it safer to freeze or fight? To cry for help? Or to be seen and not heard?

 


What I also noticed was that the internal relationships between these fragmented aspects of self reflected the traumatic environments for which they had once been solutions.

 


The left-brain-dominant present-oriented self avoids the right-brain-dominant survival-oriented parts or judges them as bad qualities to be modified, while the right brain implicit selves of the parts are equally alienated from what they perceive as a “weak” or absent other half.

 


The functioning self carries on, trying desperately to be “normal”—at the cost of feeling alienated from or invaded by the intrusive communications of the parts.

.

.

Kindness repeated over and over can change unworthiness and suffering

.
.
PTSD, depression, and anxiety devastate our society.

 

 

These disorders are fueled by thinking and judging ourselves weak, unworthy or shameful.

 

 

What can we do?

 

 

We can use kind actions to replace these judgments and negative thoughts.

 


The less we think, isolate and avoid life, the better we feel.

 

 

Have a kind greeting, a patient ear, and a compassionate heart for friends, coworkers and acquaintances.

 

Be determined to make people who cross your path today, Smile.

 

 

PTSD, depression and anxiety are dormant when we are giving without regard for reward.
.
.

PTSD, Depression, and Anxiety

.
.
What behavior makes it worse and what helps improve our condition.

 

First, we must realize that our trauma thoughts are irrational. No real danger exists from past trauma.


Second, dissociation is the one behavior that controls our destiny!

 

Leaving this present moment to ruminate in past trauma or projecting worry into the future is jet fuel for PTSD, depression and many other disorders.

 

We can spend days ruminating in trauma thought, trying to figure out how to make it stop or avoid it all together.

 


Each time we handle our trauma or trauma thoughts without integrating them, PTSD grows.

 

 

Spending hours or days ruminating gives PTSD tremendous power and energy.

 

 

Dissociation can become habit.

 


Healing will not happen until we break our incessant need to think and avoid.

 


Takes daily action to make our tools (mindfulness, affirmations, aerobic exercise, meditation, taking calculated chances, therapy) habit.
.
.
.

If you have PTSD, Can you be happy?


.
.
Knowing 22 vets commit suicide everyday from PTSD, happiness seems impossible.

 

All depends on where we place our attention. I wonder how many civilian suicides are caused by PTSD and depression. Depression will visit you often when you have PTSD.

 

If we dissociate, avoid and react to our hyper-vigilance we will suffer.

 

Terror not joy will be our companion.

 

My trauma was more hard-wired since it happened throughout my entire childhood, my brain (mind) had not developed.

 

Even with this resistant form of PTSD, I have found happiness in many things.

 

No life is not easy, I have times when my PTSD activates.

 

PTSD does not take away my happiness.  It does bring challenges and many thoughts to my doorstep.   I have learned thoughts are powerless, emotions are fleeting, transparent and ephemeral, from reading and mindfulness practice.

 

I know the shame that haunted me for so long is a mirage, an invention of traumas desire to control my being.  

 

 

 

PTSD is not an all-powerful disorder, something to fear and avoid.  It is finite and has weaknesses.

 

 

We have to move, take action, resist with incredible courage to beat PTSD. It is not easy.

 


So few take daily action, start an everyday practice with enthusiasm.

 

We need to sit alone with our trauma and face it, then let it pass on by.

 

A mind with inner peace does not need footprints in the snow, to venture out.

 

 

Make those fresh footsteps towards happiness today.
.
.

Western Michigan University: Suicide Prevention Program

 

 

.

.

Facts About Suicide

 

Suicide is preventable. Most suicidal individuals desperately want to live; they are just unable to see alternatives to their problems.


Most suicidal individuals give definite warnings of their suicidal intentions, but others are either unaware of the significance of these warnings or do not know how to respond to them.

 

Talking about suicide does not cause someone to be suicidal.
Suicide occurs across all age, economic, social, racial and ethnic boundaries.

 

Suicidal behavior is complex and not a response to one problem that a person is experiencing. Some risk factors vary with age, gender, or ethnic group and may occur in combination or change over time.

 

Surviving family members not only suffer the trauma of losing a loved one to suicide, they may themselves be at higher risk for suicide and emotional problems.


NATIONAL STATISTICS

 

Statistics are based on the latest year for which we have national statistics, 2016.
U.S.A Suicide: 2015 Official Final Data

 

Suicide is currently the 10th leading cause of death in the United States. This translates into an annual suicide rate of approximately 14 per 100,000 people dying a year by suicide (44,193 a year), out-ranking homicides (ranked as the 16th leading cause of death).


The suicide rates decreased from 1990-2000 from 12.5 to 10.4 suicides per 100,000. Over the past decade, however, the rate has again increased. Every day, approximately 121 Americans die by suicide or approximately one person kills themselves every 12 minutes. (CDC)


In 2015, there were 1,104,825 attempted suicide in the United States. Approximately one person attempts suicide every 31 seconds.


It is generally estimated that there are 25 attempts for one death by suicide.
Between 25 and 50 percent of people who kill themselves had previously attempted suicide. Those who have made suicide attempts are at higher risk for actually taking their own lives.


Each suicide intimately effects at least six other people (estimated). In 2013, it was estimated that one in every 63 Americans became a suicide-loss survivor.


The most commonly reported means of completing suicide, across all groups, was by firearm (49.8%), followed by suffocation or hanging (26.8%), poisoning (15.4), cutting (1.7%) and drowning (1.2%).


Mental health diagnoses are generally associated with a higher rate of suicide. Psychological autopsy studies reflect that more than 90 percent of completed suicides had one or more mental disorders, most notably depression. (NAMI)

Continue reading

%d bloggers like this: