Posts Tagged ‘depression’

The Freeze type and dissociative defense

Pixabay: STAANGHERLIN

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Complex PTSD: From surviving to thriving.

Of all the 4F’s, freeze types seem to have the deepest unconscious belief that people and danger are synonymous. While all 4F types commonly suffer from social anxiety as well, freeze types typically take a great deal more refuge in solitude.

Some freeze types completely give up on relating to others and become extremely isolated. Outside of fantasy, many also give up entirely on the possibility of love.

Right-Brain Dissociation: It is often the scapegoat or the most profoundly abandoned child, “the lost child”, who is forced to habituate to the freeze response. Not allowed to successfully employ fight, flight or fawn responses, the freeze type’s defenses develop around classical or right-brain dissociation.

Dissociation allows the freeze type to disconnect from experiencing his abandonment pain, and protects him from risky social interactions-any of which might trigger feelings of being retraumatized.

If you are a freeze type, you may seek refuge and comfort by dissociating in prolonged bouts of sleep, daydreaming, wishing and right-brain-dominant activities like TV, online browsing and video games.

Freeze types sometimes have or appear to have Attention Deficit Disorder [ADD]. They often master the art of changing the internal channel whenever inner experience becomes uncomfortable.

When they are especially traumatized or triggered, they may exhibit a schizoid-like detachment from ordinary reality. And in worst case scenarios, they can decompensate into a schizophrenic experience like the main character in the book, I Never Promised You a Rose Garden.

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A follower answers “Why is it so hard to take action”

Pixabay: johnhain

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I am reflecting. For me I think part of it is being beat down to low or no self esteem. You get so convinced you cannot do anything right that you just quit trying. Why try one more thing so you can fail again? Just hide in the hole that has been dug for you to live in instead of taking the chance of crawling out by the fingernails one more time.

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Thank you for your input. PTSD is epidemic, how to heal is complex and not easily found or understood.

Without proper tools and direction, PTSD can be a formidable opponent. I tried to think my way out and ended up agoraphobic.

Can you tolerate trying one more time with some key wisdom and mindfulness skills?

PTSD will get worse as we heal. Healing was violent internally, highly emotional and anxious as my abuse integrated and let go.

Meditation is a roto rooter, it will dig up unworthiness, anxiety and trauma.

Meditation plots a course directly at the center of our trauma. We are on a collision course, the path less travelled.

I guess my blog and mindfulness group is about hope.

Giving hope to those who think getting better is impossible.

I failed over and over, tried one therapy after another, holistic healers, acupuncture, massage and out of the box cures. Nothing helped, I got worse.

My fathers abuse built a strong sense of determination, I was lucky.

We all have inner strengths and boundless worth inside us.

I would encourage everyone to start meditating, applying mindfulness daily.

Healing is incremental, a little each day.

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A frightened little boy faces adulthood

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Being a narcissist, my father demanded total control, I do not think he meant to shame me. Shame was a by product of the constant criticism, his way of making me a great baseball player.

My father had a dream, having to get married because of a pregnancy at 17; my mom was 16, robbed him of his dream.

He would live his dream through me, he would take all the credit and I would be criticized with every imperfect move he deemed unacceptable.

Even healed, life is much different for a severely abused little boy.

I live a quiet life, I try to give and have plenty of gratitude for myself and others.

Being happy go lucky, knowing everything will turn out all right, I will never know the feeling.

Life is a struggle. This is my challenge, I accept and do my best.

Surviving my father, then healing, uncovered incredible skills along with the damage.

My willpower was a monster. Athletically I could push my body through pain and barriers others could not.

In sports I could defeat stronger, quicker, more athletic guys with willpower and smarts.

Psychologically, I could wear down an opponent, exploit their weaknesses and defeat them.

Unfortunately none of these conquests elevated my unworthy “Ego” or soothed my damaged inner child.

Some of us desire power, money, or status, my father gave me a goal of baseball stardom. He wanted his son to be the best baseball player ever to live. I was more unnatural than natural.

My physical traits were average at best, speed, oh I was slow of foot. I was average size and strength, a middle of the pack kid with a violent possessed narcissistic father.

I felt like a failure at 35. I had graduated college with a BS in chemistry, played seven years professional baseball and now enjoyed success in private life.

None of that dinted my unworthy soul.

Trophies, hall of fame awards were but momentary distractions, trauma ruled my world.

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Hiding in plain Sight!

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Most people I run across have lost sight of the importance of gratitude and kindness.

We all think we are flawed or we need to change, overcome or cure something to be happy.

Gratitude becomes hidden, buried amongst unfulfilled desires, replaced by Worry, doubt and unworthiness.

Hard to be grateful when we feel loss, hurt, sadness, anger, hate, jealousy or depression.

If we have a disorder like Anxiety, PTSD, depression, bi polar etc., how often do we feel gratitude.

We have a mountain of gratitude, an unlimited amount of kindness available right now.

We search for all these external cures when vast amounts of gratitude and kindness are available right below the surface.

Gratitude for ourselves remains hidden deeper, harder to find.

I know people who shower others with kindness, then ignore giving any praise for themselves.

In fact, many feel unworthy, who shower others with praise and kindness.

How can we be grateful right now?

We have to let all those false judgments about who we are go!

We are present, in this moment, focused and aware, that is enough.

The mind can be trained to focus, to empty itself of ruminating thought and be present in this moment.

All the noise fades into oblivion, and we see what has been in front of us all along, hidden in the confusion of thought and negative emotions.

How will you know if a better way of living is available?

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Unworthy, shamed, flawed (my childhood)

Pixabay

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My child hood trauma made me feel unworthy, shamed, and flawed.

In due time avoidance became my symptom of choice, I tried reducing my fight or flight mechanism from firing and my mind obsessing over the causes of my triggers.

In our confused state, limiting the triggers situations, avoiding life seems the path of least resistance and healing.

That is similar to chasing pleasure and avoiding life’s reality. Both end in more suffering.

Avoiding my triggers, isolated me from life, I thought I would heal the less my triggers exploded.

In due time I feared my thoughts after a trigger more than the trigger itself. It was more painful to experience my mind trying to cognitively understand why trigger thoughts had so much power.

We’re my thoughts real or a mirage. The cortisol and adrenaline released with the firing of my denfense mechanism were real.

The thoughts were bullshit, trauma memories stored in the right amygdala, as implicit memory, unable to be impacted consciously.

Thinking, judging, cognitively manipulating traumas storyline leads to more suffering.

My avoidance led to social anxiety. Complex PTSD, my childhood trauma had manifested its unworthiness as an outcast, unworthy to be alive.

Yes, my PTSD damn near killed me at its apex.

At my low point, I was surprised the resilience that was stored around my core. When my mind was frozen, I found life with aerobic exercise until near exhaustion.

My legs could move even when my mind was frozen. Life is closer to action, sedentary closer to death. We need to move, to battle, to live fully.

Change is hard for an abused kid, life comes at us much to quick.

We are confused about who we are.

Was I the kid who was constantly ridiculed by his male caregiver, shamed or was I normal like other kids.

Surely normal has never been my experience.

I was different, unworthy, beaten, shamed, sentenced to suffering.

Hard for me to recall the gravity of my plight back then since I healed.

The extreme panic and fear are gone.

That means we all can heal, if I can crawl out of that hole, you can also.

My message is that we can heal with persistence and the right tools.

Never give up, never give in.

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Different sides of Us!!!!!!!

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We have many facets, many sides to our emotions, personality, behavior and compartmentalized, protected pieces.

Do we have a good side opposed to a bad side? We sure have choices and opportunity for good and bad behavior.

Are there good emotions and bad ones, well yes.

Do we have good thoughts and bad thoughts? Of course.

Basically we are all perfect at our core, flawed with an ego and physical body.

Our judgments distort the reality of our existence.

Our purpose is to be happy, not popular, rich or extremely powerful.

Our purpose is an internal journey of focus, giving, kindness and gratitude.

Choose to follow your inner guide not external influences.

Some situations I am an extrovert, others an introvert.

Mindfulness has taught me to lose my labels, my biased judgments about myself, others and situations.

My purpose is not to narrate life from a perch or any distance, my opportunity is to live fully in the midst of others.

I have traded in my goals, living freely in the moment gets my energy now.

We control our effort and attitude.

Understand where to direct your attention and life could be a happy one.

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Navigating life with PTSD

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As I shared in the last post, my fight or flight (defense) mechanism does not explode from my triggers anymore.

Yes, this is a great advantage and success for any PTSD sufferer.

What is left are the unworthy thoughts and judgments. My damaged self-image grew from a cruel narcissistic fathers constant criticism of a little boy.

Those fears still exist in a region of my memory. Hard to erase a whole childhood of terror.

My fear of a trigger has been cut dramatically but my trauma thoughts still carry hurt for me.

As I have shared, triggers, unworthy thoughts, high risk PTSD situations are not enjoyable but no lasting damage occurs.

We all have a memory bank of events that reinforce times we felt unworthy with PTSD erupting.

We avoided, denied or froze during these episodes.

One tool that has helped me, I refuse to think about, ruminate about or try to justify what happened during a trigger.

The less we think or judge any thought about our unworthiness is beneficial.

We heal by talking about our trauma with a therapist and only our therapist.

We heal by focusing on now and refusing to ruminate or leave this moment to enter the past or predict the future.

Thinking is our land mind, judging is sentencing us to more suffering in the PTSD world.

Now, I work to take the power from my unworthy thoughts that resist.

It is a journey, our awareness of life minute to minute does not end until we exit this planet.

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