Posts Tagged ‘Control’

Dropping the Illusion of Control: Beyond Mindfulness

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“As a result of dropping the illusion of control, you may no longer have the same drive (or, perhaps more accurately, no longer feel driven) and no longer find the same meaning in life.

In fact, the collapse of the dream has brought a corresponding collapse in the personal meaning that the dream projected.

The prevailing dream in the West is based on the myth of the hero, the powerful person in charge of his or her life who finds ultimate meaning by overcoming obstacles and fighting against the odds to win the prize, reach the finish line, succeed at some Herculean task.

We idolize people who live out some version of this myth—the aging swimmer who overcomes the elements to make it across a shark-infested body of water, the poor kid who works his way to the top of a big corporation, the young girl who sails solo around the world despite bad weather and equipment failure.

(The popularity of superhero movies attests to the fascination with this meme.) Needless to say, the hero dream places the emphasis on the separation between the individual and the rest of reality—it’s a dream of struggle, conflict, and ultimate triumph.

Even if you don’t fancy yourself a hero, you’re still probably judging yourself by some version of this fundamental standard.

Indeed, the ego inevitably takes itself to be the hero of its own story and finds value in how well it succeeds—at making a living, finding a mate, winning love and approval.

But when you realize that you’re no longer the separate center around which your life revolves but just another expression of the greater movement and flow of life itself, the hero dream and the world of personal meaning you’ve constructed around it collapses.

Now what? If the meaning of your life is not founded in personal significance and success, what’s the point?

Instead of struggling to reconstruct the dream and the meaning it provided, which is doomed to failure in any case, you can keep returning to your homeground of awakened awareness and find ultimate meaning there.

When you let go of the effort to make life happen and instead abide as unconditional opennness and presence without a center, you realize that nothing extra needs to be added to this moment to make it more complete—it’s inherently perfect and meaningful just as it is.

By going to pieces as a separate self, you’ve discovered the deeper ground of the undivided, the one without a second, the eternal source from which all apparent separation arises.

Once you realize your identity with this deeper ground of being, the search for personal meaning naturally comes to an end.”

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Codenpendency: How to give up control and stop Rescuing Everyone

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“Dr Nicholas Jenner”


“Codependency is a lot about control and controlling others. I have documented various methods frequently on this blog and how they manifest themselves into the typical dysfunctional behaviour associated with codependency.

Codependents need control to feel secure and are loath to give this power away.

 

One of the more common forms of control employed by codependents is the “art” of rescuing. Many helpful, caring people, especially those that identify as codependent, impulsively rescue others from their self-imposed predicaments.

 

They stay far too long in dysfunctional helping and giving relationships even when their resources or relationships are strained, or they enable others’ addiction, incompetence, or irresponsibility and they do this for a very specific reason.

 

Codependent rescuing means that the codependent retains power and control over the codependent object. They assume that people around them need help and step in even if it is clear they don’t.

 

Every time this happens, it plays into the “drama triangle” of rescuer, persecutor and victim mentalities that drive codependent

 

Often when help is pushed onto another person when they don’t really want it, it gives the codependent the chance to become the victim whether the help is accepted or not.

 

Codependents meet their needs dysfunctionally by adopting the victim role in any situation hoping to attract sympathy and validation from those around them.

 

Anger, blaming and passive aggression can ensue, leading to the next cycle.

 

By rescuing, codependents place themselves in a superior role to their victim.

 

They are saying “You need me and you are helpless without me”.

 

This leads inevitably to feelings of resentment on both sides.

 

The key is to avoid “one-up or one-down” behaviours. The following is a list of suggestions to help with this.

 

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1. Be conscious and avoid giving advice unless asked for. Don’t interrupt and listen effectively to avoid assumptions.

2. Don’t help your partner or anyone else without them asking you to do so. You can do this by openly asking “What can I do?”.

3. Offer support rather than advice. “I can help but maybe you need to see what you can do first”

4. Learn to say “No” and set boundaries around your own behaviour and that of those who are willing to let you rescue them.

5. Don’t assume that you need to do 100% of the work to solve any issue. Talk with your partner and promote equality. “I will do this, what are you prepared to do?”

6. Share any feelings of resentment that are building openly and honestly.

7. Recognise when your partner (or anyone) is inviting rescuing behaviour by playing the victim, feigning illness, etc. Counter with firm boundaries.

8. Learn to ask for your needs to be met in a healthy way.

9. Avoid power moves like avoiding responsibility, escalation, shouting, playing the martyr or reminding your partner of everything you have done for them.

10. Avoid “one-down” victim behaviour that manipulates feelings and behaviour from others.

Avoiding power and control games is one of the key issues of codependent recovery.

 

Many find it difficult to release themselves as the behaviour is so engrained in their personality and thinking.

 

However, once this is done, codependents can look forward to a life free of the “drama triangle” that has been so devastating to them in their lives”.

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Control, a mirage!

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Believing we have control over life is an unsound judgment with consequences.
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Control brings responsibility for results!
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I can easily find more successful, richer, wealthier and more powerful people around me.
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If I have control, I failed to keep up with the Jones’s.
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Happiness vanishes when we try to control life.
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Check out strong controlling personalities.
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Not a pretty sight.
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Let go the thought of control and live free, open, empty, alive.
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