Posts Tagged ‘C-PTSD’

Different sides of Us!!!!!!!

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We have many facets, many sides to our emotions, personality, behavior and compartmentalized, protected pieces.

Do we have a good side opposed to a bad side? We sure have choices and opportunity for good and bad behavior.

Are there good emotions and bad ones, well yes.

Do we have good thoughts and bad thoughts? Of course.

Basically we are all perfect at our core, flawed with an ego and physical body.

Our judgments distort the reality of our existence.

Our purpose is to be happy, not popular, rich or extremely powerful.

Our purpose is an internal journey of focus, giving, kindness and gratitude.

Choose to follow your inner guide not external influences.

Some situations I am an extrovert, others an introvert.

Mindfulness has taught me to lose my labels, my biased judgments about myself, others and situations.

My purpose is not to narrate life from a perch or any distance, my opportunity is to live fully in the midst of others.

I have traded in my goals, living freely in the moment gets my energy now.

We control our effort and attitude.

Understand where to direct your attention and life could be a happy one.

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Navigating life with PTSD

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As I shared in the last post, my fight or flight (defense) mechanism does not explode from my triggers anymore.

Yes, this is a great advantage and success for any PTSD sufferer.

What is left are the unworthy thoughts and judgments. My damaged self-image grew from a cruel narcissistic fathers constant criticism of a little boy.

Those fears still exist in a region of my memory. Hard to erase a whole childhood of terror.

My fear of a trigger has been cut dramatically but my trauma thoughts still carry hurt for me.

As I have shared, triggers, unworthy thoughts, high risk PTSD situations are not enjoyable but no lasting damage occurs.

We all have a memory bank of events that reinforce times we felt unworthy with PTSD erupting.

We avoided, denied or froze during these episodes.

One tool that has helped me, I refuse to think about, ruminate about or try to justify what happened during a trigger.

The less we think or judge any thought about our unworthiness is beneficial.

We heal by talking about our trauma with a therapist and only our therapist.

We heal by focusing on now and refusing to ruminate or leave this moment to enter the past or predict the future.

Thinking is our land mind, judging is sentencing us to more suffering in the PTSD world.

Now, I work to take the power from my unworthy thoughts that resist.

It is a journey, our awareness of life minute to minute does not end until we exit this planet.

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My journeys (PTSD) current state of mind (Healing)

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Awkward and uncomfortable is how I would describe my PTSD now.

It took all my effort and determination to heal the first time. My childhood trauma resisted many different therapies and holistic cures.

Our path is not very well illuminated, hard to tell the proper avenue to choose or the right direction to proceed. PTSD has a confusing impact, a time distorting component and horrifying panic attacks.

When I finally healed, my life was trigger free, finally flowing with an ease. I thought healing was permanent but a new blood pressure medicine drained my energy and fired my nervous system up.

My PTSD symptoms returned. Things had changed, the intense fear and firing of my flight or fight mechanism did not happen. Meditation had enabled me to become friends with my fight or flight mechanism, I did not fear it going off.

In fact I learned to use the energy that surrounds our defense mechanism firing, while hiking.

Instead of terror and fear, I experienced uncomfortable and awkward.

Now, my symptoms will appear every so often, I am not afraid of them anymore. They do impact my life but I accept this as my cross to bear.

What has changed is my ability to focus and let go, the wisdom to discount traumas erroneous barrage of thoughts and judgments.

I can exist in a defense mode, letting the noise be released, making no decisions, having no opion that is reinforced until things settle down.

I have learned to let go of thought and read my senses, see and hear what is in front of me. It is soothing to step back and realize this PTSD is a mirage.

My triggers are still an issue at times but the issue has a much less intimidating consequence.

Trusting that being empty of thought and aware of this immediate moment, is my default position.

My tools are simple, concrete and immediate.

My tools are not complex or voluminous but gain power through repetition and application.

PTSD is not as scary when the fight or flight mechanism has become your friend.

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Looking back at my journey, some thoughts!

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Years ago “Exposure Therapy” as it was called, brought extreme anxiety to my being. Say your PTSD triggers manifested in fear of being in closed spaces, or in crowded public areas.

Exposure Therapy takes you into these trigger situations. We would go into an enclosed space or enter a crowded gathering. I languished when this therapy was tried on me.

It made me worse, my fear and anxiety levels spiked, my fight or flight mechanism fired 10 times a day.

In due time, a solution appeared, a safe, secure place for exposure therapy.

Meditation provided this safe space to use “Exposure Therapy”.

I could face my fear and anxiety with intense focus and letting go. It was not easy.

I did not walk into a trigger solution as a cocky, bring it on individual, it was more a tip toeing through my mind field. It still felt like danger was there.

Confidence grew with more and more exposure. Becoming intimately familiar with my fears and anxiety made them less fearful, less powerful over time.

My fears lost power gradually. As time passed I was able to physically face my triggers better and better.

What I realized was, to heal it took being humble, accepting, and vulnerable.

It is not a chest pumping experience, rather a humbling journey of exploration and healing.

If you heal you will know more about the real you.

The path to healing and happiness are the same road.

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Small, specific exercises during the day, can become a strong habit in due time.

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When we find ourselves distracted, unfocused, mind wandering, use the senses, see, hear, touch, smell, and taste to come back to now.

I use sight first, then sound followed by the aroma of my environment.

Our five senses are ever present, no thought is necessary to become intensely aware of the stimulus they detect.

We observe our senses without judgment.

We are gathering the current data our senses have detected.

I look at where I am, then find an object to focus on.

At times I find perfection in a flower, a tree, rain or nature.

When I hike, my eyes dominate my existence.

If I am out in nature, the need for my “Ego” (Identity) lessons.

The smells are intoxicating.

Quiet down and become an observant sponge.

Listen to subtle calls of the birds, the silence of being out in nature away from the noise of the city.

If this is not possible, sit quietly and focus intently on the breath while letting thoughts clear.

Meditation can take you out in the woods inside your mind.

Escape the craziness of your mind for brief moments, meditate.

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The trick with happiness

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Happiness seems to come from a well adjusted self and the ability to focus the mind.

More specifically, can we avoid getting drawn into drama, ours or others.

Can we avoid worrying, craving approval, complaining or blaming?

Can we be content?

In trigger situations (trauma drama) can we focus and let go.

Can we be calm and content with who we are, right now, this second.

Most of us think we need to improve, need to accomplish something or cure something before we are whole or capable of being happy.

Happiness does not exist in the future.

The trick is to stay present by letting the noise go and being open to enjoying what is directly in front of you.

It maybe fantastic but probably mundane and boring as we judge life.

The mundane and boring lead to happiness, well inside them if we take time to explore.

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Responsibility

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In the beginning of my healing journey, I blamed my father for his constant abuse toward me.

Yes, he was a violent narcissist but my blame only harmed me.

I would read you must forgive your abuser to heal.

I struggled with forgiveness and languished in my blame and guilt.

Eventually a solution arrived.

I would let my father be responsible for his life and I would be responsible for mine.

He was raised in a family of 16 and was a narcissist, maybe he did the best he could.

My new found responsibility opened the door to healing.

However you get there, take responsibility for your life.

Blame led to more suffering for me.

Blame made me a victim, responsibility removed that burden.

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