Posts Tagged ‘C-PTSD’

Why do people staring at me impact my life so negatively?



I share this with a feeling of extreme embarrassment.



It seems so mundane, so ridiculous on paper, but in real life, it is my invisible prison.



Why does this seem to have such a negative influence, such an enormous power, such a quick, catastrophizing affect.



A childhood filled with constant criticism, extreme physical violence and harsh abuse, lives just beneath the surface of my consciousness.



I was a thing to my father, like the owner of a fighting pit bull. My worth was how good I made him look playing sports.



I had a big nose as a kid, which made me a target for ridicule, shame and unwanted attention.



Add this experience to my fathers abuse and my trauma manifests as social anxiety.



These two situations dominated my childhood, nowhere was I safe.



Catastrophic loss seems possible for me, when it explodes.



My C-PTSD came from this sick childhood.



Cognitively, I know all of this is irrational, transparent and impossible.



Knowing does not eliminate hypervigilance, anxiety, fear or shame!



They run on their own without conscious influence or control.



If I spend time thinking about any of this, it grows.



My job is to Meditate, slow the mind, focus it, and then let all these judgments and thoughts pass on by.



The most I have to fear is my own reaction to this stimuli.



No matter what, living fully and happily is my goal, not isolation or hiding for safety.



Thoughts? I have decided to share my journey in more detail as ptsd resurfaces in my life.


Continue reading

Crying: I grew up thinking it showed weakness! Another fallacy


In my generation, especially being the first born of a narcissistic father, showing emotion, crying, equaled weakness.



Inside my chronic pain group,  we men felt weak if we cried in front of the others.



Healing taught me how to cry, how to be humble, and how to be vulnerable.




Who knew this was the path to freedom and healing.




Crying is the gate that allowed my stored trauma, negative emotion to exit.




For me, it was a violent, a loud, an angry departure, when trauma left, integrated.




Healing or Meditation/Mindfulness is not this soft, spiritual, calm journey.




Mine was an internal battle, a decades long war.




The Ego battles our true self for control of our being.  Self or selfless are the options.




My first experience with trauma leaving, felt like my strongest trigger, felt like I was getting worse.




Remember we have blind spots, we have an ego that never feels equal, so focus, let thought clear and emotion exit.




Healing and Meditation are an internal exploration without the Ego’s bias, a journey without goals or judgment.




Where we place our attention holds our most powerful skill, tool, and opportunity.




No other small action dominates how life is felt by us, happy or sad, worthy or completely flawed, peaceful or extremely anxious.




I, me, mine are created, an identity mirage, minuscule in power and size compared to our real self.

Why is change almost impossible for most!!!!!

From my experience, my research reading and asking those that cross my path, seems 10% take action and try! This is a generous number in my opinion.


This is just those who try, not necessarily heal. How many people search out the second therapy after the first fails? How many never give up?


We are talking about suffering, familiar suffering accepted without even trying to live free and unencumbered.


This mindset is foreign to me. My childhood was filled with unworthiness, my father demanded I be an overachiever, be twice as good as anyone else.


All I know is how to endure and exert effort, how the need to overachieve can make me closer to being worthy.


I have no clue why it is so difficult to take action, to risk.


This is a blind spot for me. I am an expert at suffering, negative self talk and extreme unworthiness, but it comes easy to expend all out effort. I earned this mindset enduring my childhood abuse.


Learning to be sensitive and respectful to those who are stuck has been a work in progress.


Even the smallest action is resisted. That first step brings massive responsibility.


That first step eliminates the victim hiding inside and brings out the real us.


Yes, we are vulnerable, exposed, this is the frightening path to healing.


Please share any insight in ways we can motivate others to take action.




I will always have fears,


but I need not be my fears,


for I have other places within myself


from which to speak and act.




Bruce Lee: part two


Knowing is not enough,


we must apply.


Willing is not enough,


we must do.


Bruce Lee
My two cents. Oh my, this holds true in all facets of life.


Healing or happiness is obtained through application and doing.


Get to it, then!



“Phoenix Society for Burn Survivors”: How Understanding the Brain Can Help By Dawn McClelland, PHD, and Chris Gilyard, MA



“Several parts of the brain are important in understanding how the brain and body function during trauma. They include the forebrain (the prefrontal cortex); the limbic system, which is located in the center of the brain; and the brain stem.


When a person experiences a traumatic event, adrenalin rushes through the body and the memory is imprinted into the amygdala, which is part of the limbic system. The amygdala holds the emotional significance of the event (the intensity and impulse of emotion). For example, if you’re on a roller coaster, your sensory information is “fear, speed, stress, excitement, not life threatening.” The amygdala can read the emotional significance of the event: “it’s a ride, it’s fun, you are done in 3 minutes.” The amygdala stores the visual images of trauma as sensory fragments, which means the trauma memory is not stored like a story, but by how our five senses were experiencing the trauma at the time it was occurring. The memories are stored through fragments of visual images, smells, sounds, tastes, or touch.



Consequently, after trauma, the brain can easily be triggered by sensory input, reading normal circumstances as dangerous. For example, a red light is no longer a red light, now it’s a possible spark. A barbecue had been just a barbecue, but now it sounds like an explosion. The sensory fragments are misinterpreted and the brain loses its ability to discriminate between what is threatening and what is normal.



The rational part of our brain is the prefrontal cortex. This is the front part of our brain, where consciousness lives, processing and reasoning occur, and we make meaning of language. When a trauma occurs, people enter into a fight, flight, or freeze state, which can result in the prefrontal cortex shutting down. The brain becomes somewhat disorganized and overwhelmed because of the trauma, while the body goes into a survival mode and shuts down the higher reasoning and language structures of the brain. The result of the metabolic shutdown is a profound imprinted stress response.”

The moment of now in a different light, lite.



“In this moment, right now” rang hollow for me. It is sort of abstract, a general concept. My mind was not motivated to change.


Remember the mind reacts best to specific, immediate, concrete and simple ideas!



Observing my senses, paints a specific landscape for me.   I understand the moment of now, when it describes what my eyes see, my ears hear, my skin feels, my nose smells and my mouth tastes.



Our senses only know this moment, thought is the vehicle that transports us into the past and future.



Another sense emerges as a force when we learn to observe our senses, intuition.   Intuition is a tremendous present moment skill.



A unique guide  or a connection to our true self  or maybe our Authentic Self?



Practice seeing everything before your eyes without adding a story, any story.



Life will transform if only for brief moments.



Every journey starts with a first step.



Observing the senses is an accumulative practice.



So practice, practice, practice, observe, then rest.


%d bloggers like this: