Posts Tagged ‘C-PTSD’

My “Ego” is Stealthy, Adolescent and Manipulative!

Awareness brings my manipulative “Ego” into focus. I believe some of this is hard-wired from my abusive, critical, and violent childhood. My “Ego” has never felt equal to another “Ego” (yours either).


The need for approval, for being appreciated, runs deep in my unworthy inner child. That critic, that resentful little voice, tears at my wellbeing.


Take this blog,:  I have to admit, I want relevance, approval for my knowledge, my blog.   Yes, having a 100,000 avid followers would stroke my “ego” and brings a feeling of relevance.   I see this as shallow and impermanent but it has power at times.



Does having more followers equal happiness?   Ask yourself if 90,000 left one day, how would that feel?  The crowd is very fickle and can turn against you.


This attachment makes me vulnerable to external forces, a path to suffering and anxiety.


Following this unworthy dialogue backwards, it is a perceived need that leads me to suffer. My “Ego” has felt unworthy, not good enough, almost shameful when PTSD is active. My “Ego” feels threatened as an adolescent at times.

When I meditate and examine this dilemma, approval or criticism is external. Also criticism or approval can change outside my influence. My life suffers when I buy into this belief. It is a mirage!

I am aware when my “Ego” feels insulted or damaged. He wants to retaliate against a perceived threat. He thinks retaliation can change my unworthiness.


It is such a subconscious, complex mechanism from childhood abuse. Life activates this difficulty from time to time.

I thought healing, emptying my amygdala of all the stored trauma would last forever. Now I know somethings will always be below the surface, capable of bringing that hell back into my life.


Knowing approval, respect or criticism has nothing to do with my wellbeing does not quell its massive need to protect itself.

I have learned to be intensely aware of my “Egos” need to be resentful, childish, reactive and destructive.


For some of us, a constant vigil of awareness is needed.

Thoughts: Let’s be Prepared!

Of the 60,000 thoughts that cross our consciousness daily, nearly all are unknown to anyone but us. Without our attention and then sharing with others these thoughts do not exist.

These thoughts have the power to haunt us, to power depression, anxiety, PTSD and other disorders.

Lost in thought our fears can grow to monstrous levels inside our brains.
Thoughts can stop us from taking action, from living fully or sentence us to a lifetime of suffering.

Thoughts are just air, transparent and harmless without attention, the power we bestow upon them.


Meditation/Mindfulness is a focus practice that allows us to let the 60,000 thoughts pass on through unnoticed.


A seasoned meditator trains his/her mind to stay in the present moment, observing without judgment what our senses perceive.


It takes the wisdom to know nothing more exists at this moment, as mundane as most moments of life currently unfold.


My recommendation is to have a plan when negativity arrives from these bombardments of endless thought.


Have a list of countermeasures:

An affirmation, “In this moment, right now, I accept all of me. Insert this sentence in place of any negative thought. Thoughts need time in our consciousness to influence our behavior.  The longer we spend lost in thought the more powerful they become.


Refuse to entertain any of these thoughts.

A gratitude list to say out loud. I am grateful for my health, my opportunity to heal, the air we breathe, nature, sustenance, friends, my ability to give and have compassion, etc.


A giving list of those we help. Review the ways you help others in need, the way you volunteer and bring kindness to those you meet. The small gifts of a smile and kind words.


Action list we undertake to keep busy. Could be aerobic exercise, gardening, or a daily chore. My kitchen has been under repair for a week. No water with three little kids has been a pain in the ass.

My thought was the gratitude I have for running water, that I took for granted until now. A negative can be a positive when looked at through giving and gratitude.


Life is not easy, let your actions determine who you are, not your thoughts. Be prepared.

Can you tolerate being wrong, making a mistake without _______?


Can you tolerate being wrong, making a mistake without evaluating the what if’s.


You know, that intense scrutiny of our actions, feeling emotionally hurt, our “Ego” spanked.


Obsessing for hours, lost in judgment is my usual journey.


Wasted life and imagined guilt is what lies at the core of this.


Who cares if we were wrong?


Our Ego” cares, He/She is the one who worries, judges, doubts, fears and resents being wrong.


Can you let that noise go, the next time you are wrong (make a mistake)?


Can your “Ego” tolerate being human, not in control, vulnerable, wrong at times?


It may take practice, daily focus to accomplish this task.


Acceptance is the path.


Accepting everything about ourselves, right now.


The great, the good, the mundane, the flawed, the excited, the grumpy, the angry and the happy you.


Lots of freedom is the reward.


A mind empty of thought, brilliantly aware of life.

The parking lot suicides: They take their lives at the doorstep of the VA

Photos by Jenn Ackerman

Sixty-two percent of veterans, or 9 million people, depend on VA’s vast hospital system, but accessing it can require navigating a frustrating bureaucracy. Veterans sometimes must prove that their injuries are connected to their service, which can require a lot of paperwork and appeals.


Veterans who take their own lives on VA grounds often intend to send a message, said Eric Caine, director of the Injury Control Research Center for Suicide Prevention at the University of Rochester.


“These suicides are sentinel events,” Caine said. “It’s very important for the VA to recognize that the place of a suicide can have great meaning. There is a real moral imperative and invitation here to take a close inspection of the quality of services at the facility level.”


Keita Franklin, who became VA’s executive director for suicide prevention in April, said the agency now trains parking lot attendants and patrols on suicide intervention. The agency also has launched a pilot program that expands its suicide prevention efforts, including peer mentoring, to civilian workplaces and state governments.


“We’re shifting from a model that says, ‘Let’s sit in our hospitals and wait for people to come to us,’ and take it to them,” she said during a congressional staff briefing in January.


For some veterans, the problem is not only interventions but also the care and conditions inside some VA mental-health programs.


John Toombs, a 32-year-old former Army sergeant and Afghanistan veteran, hanged himself on the grounds of the Alvin C. York VA Medical Center in Murfreesboro, Tennessee, the morning before Thanksgiving 2016.


He had enrolled in an inpatient treatment program for PTSD, substance abuse, depression and anxiety, said his father, David Toombs.


“John went in pledging that this is where I change my life; this is where I get better,” he said. But he was kicked out of the program for not following instructions, including being late to collect his medications, according to medical records.


A few hours before he took his life, Toombs wrote in a Facebook post from the Murfreesboro VA that he was “feeling empty,” with a distressed emoji.


“I dared to dream again. Then you showed me the door faster than last night’s garbage,” he wrote. “To the streets, homeless, right before the holidays.”


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Where do I start?

Giving without regard for reward has many benefits.


Giving this way, opens up our compassion center.


Gratitude will grow when you help others, a great side effect.


Life looks and feels different when giving takes over.


If you need a purpose, none better than giving.


Gratitude and giving change us, transforms us, offers us the space where wellbeing and happiness live.


Besides my family, giving is the most precious possession I have.

That awareness has developed with daily meditation and practice.


Besides being a possession, giving is a boomerang.

Throw giving around and watch what comes back.


Even smiles and kind words have enormous power.

Codependency cannot be found in any diagnostic manual: Dr Nicholas Jenner

“At the time of writing, the term “codependency” cannot be found in any diagnostic manual anywhere. It is simply not classed as a recognisable disorder and as discussed earlier, some doubt it even exists in the form we accept today.


This also includes many therapists who like to see it as a symptom of something else and treat it as such . I have had many referrals from other therapists who are not willing to follow their client down the path of codependency. The whole subject divides opinion amongst professionals as well as those who suffer on a daily basis.



I tend to believe that other disorders such as depression and anxiety as well as negative attitude and outlook are symptoms of codependency rather than the other way around. There is no pill that one can take that will cure codependency and maybe that is just as well. We have all seen the disadvantages of the “cure symptoms only” approach that exists in the medical profession.


Codependency recovery is only sustainable when the root cause is found and healed, and the symptoms managed.



Codependency will not give you a sore throat, you will not need to stay in bed or take antibiotics or other medication to feel better. However, in my experience of treating codependents the world over, there is a set of definable characteristics that can be assigned to the behaviour associated with people who have codependent tendencies.



If you assess this against a typical childhood scenario that fosters the development of codependency, you have quite a picture of misery that sufferers go through.



Many codependents are seen as genuinely nice people and they mostly are. They will not usually say no [even though they sometimes want to], they are usually the first to jump in and help anyone [as a martyr, expecting return] and will often anticipate others needs before they do [control and enabling].



They will usually avoid conflict and will only confront someone when their expected return is not forthcoming [control].  However, what you see on the surface is only the proverbial tip of the iceberg. What is going on underneath is a melting pot of emotions and core beliefs that drive codependent behaviour. This is where treatment is targeted and needs to be effective.



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Mindful Wisdom

Never give depression, anxiety or unworthiness attention, power.

That means we stay present, positive, grateful and active.


We do not write poems or posts describing how powerful, how pervasive or how much of a victim we feel like!


If I am feeling depressed, wisdom tells me, my thoughts suck right now.


I am not aware of right now, I am lost in judgment and emotion.


Living an active, healthy existence takes vigilance and discipline.


It takes courage to stay present and take action.


It takes courage to let go of that helpless, hopeless feeling.


Focus on what we have, not what we lack or desire.


Change things up and find someone to donate a smile, an ear, or a helping hand.


Attitude changes with emptying the mind of the noise.

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