Posts Tagged ‘Attitude’

There was no sense of a self owning them.”

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“As I noticed feelings and thoughts appear and disappear,

 

 

it became increasingly clear that

 

 

they were just coming and going on their own. . . .

 

 

There was no sense of a self owning them.”

 

– Tara Brach
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Incredibly there are 60,000 thoughts that enter our consciousness everyday, about one a second.

 

Common sense tell us that during this last minute (60 seconds), we did not grasp 60 thoughts.

 

Why do we choose negative ones more often?

 

The “Ego” chooses thought, while our true self chooses to be empty in this present moment.

 

 

Being lost in thought constantly, fuels depression, anxiety, PTSD and suffering.
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Why do people staring at me impact my life so negatively?

 

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I share this with a feeling of extreme embarrassment.

 

 

It seems so mundane, so ridiculous on paper, but in real life, it is my invisible prison.

 

 

Why does this seem to have such a negative influence, such an enormous power, such a quick, catastrophizing affect.

 

 

A childhood filled with constant criticism, extreme physical violence and harsh abuse, lives just beneath the surface of my consciousness.

 

 

I was a thing to my father, like the owner of a fighting pit bull. My worth was how good I made him look playing sports.

 

 

I had a big nose as a kid, which made me a target for ridicule, shame and unwanted attention.

 

 

Add this experience to my fathers abuse and my trauma manifests as social anxiety.

 

 

These two situations dominated my childhood, nowhere was I safe.

 

 

Catastrophic loss seems possible for me, when it explodes.

 

 

My C-PTSD came from this sick childhood.

 

 

Cognitively, I know all of this is irrational, transparent and impossible.

 

 

Knowing does not eliminate hypervigilance, anxiety, fear or shame!

 

 

They run on their own without conscious influence or control.

 

 

If I spend time thinking about any of this, it grows.

 

 

My job is to Meditate, slow the mind, focus it, and then let all these judgments and thoughts pass on by.

 

 

The most I have to fear is my own reaction to this stimuli.

 

 

No matter what, living fully and happily is my goal, not isolation or hiding for safety.

 

 

Thoughts? I have decided to share my journey in more detail as ptsd resurfaces in my life.
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My path was different, reading and following books replaced failed therapies!

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My blog has always been very positive. Lately some have questioned how I have made this journey seem easy. This is a post to share the challenges I faced.

 

 

I was read poetry in therapy sessions when I was triggered and my nervous system extremely upset. I would sit shaking from trauma while my therapist read Louis Hayes.

 

 

This was not even a good distraction skill. During my journey, one intuitive would ignite my trauma, having me visualize my little Marty’s, 5,7,9,12 year olds sitting around a big table with my father, my abuser.

 

 

I always departed far more terrified than when I arrived.   When we start our healing path we are naive,  clueless.   The time wasted searching for a way out,  cost me five years of my life.

 

 

This did damage because no integration was happening. I was paying for someone to supervise me dissociating into my trauma, triggering intense fear without the skill to integrate. Wish I had those wasted ducketts back.

 

 

 

My complex PTSD deepened, intensified as my daily suffering grew. I was lost and being sabotaged by the  professionals.

 

 

 

This ended with a severe case of agoraphobia, locked in a dark garage, more terrified than any other time in my life. My professional help took me to a place where my mind was frozen, my body would shake for hours as an unknown fear, worse than death haunted me.

 

 

 

Haunted me!!!!!

 

 

 

My reprieve was my abuser demanded perfection on a baseball field and that taught me skills of persistence, a never give up attitude, and courage. I was isolated my whole childhood by a controlling narcissist.

 

 

Narcissist isolate you for total control. Healing, going it alone with books did not feel strange for me. My father abuse created the skills I needed to heal. Ironic, no?

 

 

I believe my healing would have taken maybe six months not five years with what I know now. The benefit was the experience I gained along the way. This blog was created to fill in the voids I faced.

 

 

I turned to books, books on therapy, books on neuroscience, books on war-time PTSD, books on survivor personalities and books on meditation.

 

 

I read, practiced and applied with an aggressive type intensity.  This was not drastic for me. I was pro athlete, comfortable with all out effort over six month periods.

 

 

I resorted back to my strengths and proceeded to attack PTSD like a competitive athlete would. Somehow I knew intuitively healing was an internal battle.

 

 

Healing like this has given me a command, an insight into this process. I dug out of a deep hole following my intuitive guide, a very organic journey.
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A viewer asks: What does this practice entail and what is the ultimate benefit?

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This practice entails a simple, concrete, immediate, and passionate focus on our breath, a repetitive learned skill, a safe way of training the mind.

 

 

It is a very simple, very powerful, mundane looking, daily practice. We need to invest a minimum 20 minutes a day of calm but intense focus practice.

 

 

It is a repetitive practice that builds focus starting with the mastery of one breath. It starts slow and has no time-table or goals.

 

 

I recommend working on one breath, then pause and evaluate. If you start trying to Meditate for ten minute or longer, you will get lost in thought and become frustrated.

 

 

Meditation unfolds best at its own pace without our judgments or bias. No goals, let your journey be thought free, give it a chance to blossom, trust it fully.

 

 

The whole practice is based on one breath, a reason so many overlook simple as weak.

 

 

This practice entails the simplest, easiest and quickest way to heal disorders, to find calm, peace of mind and eventually happiness.

 

 

It is an internal investigation of discovery into our nervous system and inner world.

 

 

We become friends first with our nervous system, as the breath activates our parasympathetic nervous system, the brakes, slowing our mind to focus and be at its most powerful.

 

 

We are most powerful, most capable of extraordinary accomplishment, true happiness or access to our joyful emotions when the mind is empty and totally present.

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Giving is more valuable than gold: It can be Contagious

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Look at all the divisiveness and hate in our country.  How do we navigate in this climate?

 

Quit thinking and analyzing, take action, give without regard for reward.

 

Make a difference for a one  human being today, a stranger, a needy elderly person, lonely,  craving a little kindness.

 

Travel the mundane parts of life, armed with gifts for all those you meet, paying special attention to those in need.

 

It may only be a smile coupled with a kind greeting.

 

Donate a few minutes to help, to give, to be compassionate.

 

Achievement can not match giving for power or longevity.

 

Kindness is permanent, free and available to all of us.

 

Do not overlook the needy, the homeless, we share this journey together, not in competition.

 

Let go of that ego, let that compassionate true self emerge.

 

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Updated: A follower asks a question about his mate having Complex PTSD

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Hi Marty

I am a partner of someone with cptsd. We’ve been together for 8 years and half of that feels like it’s been taken away by cptsd. I’ve read lots of things but I cannot reach her anymore. She has a therapist now and this feels has been helpful but at times it’s like nothing has changed. She shares nothing with me, doesnt discuss her diagnosis (2.5 years) or how to move forward or where her therapy is heading. Refuses to discuss how to deal with triggers or situations that will harm our family. Any feelings are thrown at me in anger, rages which can last days, then the dust settles and my life partner is left broken, lost, in turmoil it feels….. Wanting me and our son yet wanting to leave us. We can’t seem to communicate anymore. So much hurt and anger has been felt these last few years and it feels like I’m always ‘the bad guy’ when I’m the only person that’s ever truely been there for her. As for the real ‘bad guys’ she allows them in at times and it causes so much damage. It’s like she believes in people that don’t know her, don’t support her and dont care about her or her family but it’s me that is controlling, abusive, not supportive Doesnt listen.
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Where can I get help to understand her more, is there anyone that can teach me how to reach her and have what we used to have again? I’m desperately in love with her and I know she feels the same. I know she tries so hard with her therapy. I’ve had your blog bookmarked for 2.5 years and come back to it regularly, you and the people that contribute are amazing which is why I’m here….is there something or someone you know that can help a partner of someone with cpsd? I am really desperate…… Thank you so much.
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C-PTSD is extremely difficult for your mate to navigate life. Trauma manifests itself in fears that are scary as death or emotional death of our ego. Sometimes our mate does not hear our advice or aims their anger at us. Their behavior can be erratic at times, seemingly neutral or mundane situations can trigger violent panic attacks.
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Find out who she confides in, then try to work through this person. Ask to be included in a therapy session. What therapy is she using? Does she do homework from therapy or practice some skill to improve daily?

Does she Meditate or is she open to exploring new areas on her journey?  She needs a skill to practice daily to help healing.

The more you can learn about complex PTSD, the better. Try not to react when she is triggered. She needs understanding and support. Critiquing her or criticizing her will not end well.

If I were you, I would start meditating and using mindfulness to help yourself. You will be ready to support her and lead her to let go of those thoughts.

Hope this helps.
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Fears

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I will always have fears,

 

but I need not be my fears,

 

for I have other places within myself

 

from which to speak and act.

 

PARKER J. PALMER
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