Posts Tagged ‘ACCEPTANCE’

Self-kindness: “The Need to Please”

“A key element of self-compassion is self-kindness (Neff 2011), the practice of being warm and understanding toward yourself at any time, but for our purposes, especially when you get stuck in habitual people-pleasing mode.


As you practice mindfulness, and particularly after the preceding reflection, you may notice how harshly you treat yourself on such occasions.


Given that we mimic our parents’ criticisms, and that perfectionism and feelings of unworthiness and anger tend to go hand in hand with chronic people pleasing, it isn’t surprising that you’d be harsh with yourself.


However, harshness only adds to your suffering. Self-kindness is a way to dissolve this harshness, allowing you to support yourself in the moment.


It’s a big step toward healing the childhood wound that causes habitual approval seeking, so remember patience and kindness even when you don’t feel kind toward yourself.


Understanding the origins of your habitual approval seeking and seeing that it isn’t your fault can help you bestow kindness on yourself.



For example, an inability to say no stems from needing to please your parents in an effort to receive acceptance as a child.

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updated:_____ this is old but helpful….Breathing Track Basics!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


What chronic pain does to your brain: part 3


For many patients, what’s worse is the invisible nature of their condition.


‘You can’t see pain, and this is a very big thing for these people,’ says Gustin.



‘With my work, I can educate people that it’s a physical pain that results from subtle changes in the brain.’


According to Gustin, the research demonstrates that interaction between brain cells is damaged in the brains of people with chronic pain.


‘It’s in an unhealthy way, and we can change that.


The border, the thalamus, can actually close, and we can do that with neuro-feedback.


‘We can change the way the cells talk to each other and we can actually rewrite the painful memories.’

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What chronic pain does to your brain: part 2

Researchers also found people with chronic pain experienced a reduction in the volume of their prefrontal cortex—the region of the brain that is understood to regulate emotions, personality expression and social behaviour.


This results in a further decline in the neurotransmitter GABA.


‘Every emotion and every cognition is amplified. People with ongoing pain, they anticipate pain with a lot of fear and they worry a lot of the time, and they can’t dampen down these feelings because the prefrontal cortex has lost its ability to dampen down these thoughts.’


Anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts can be big problems for those living with chronic pain, says Gustin.


Twenty per cent try to suicide.



A lot of clients who I see, they can’t stop their worrying, they can’t stop their anxiety, and they ask me why.


‘I think showing them that there are subtle changes in the brain—and because of these subtle brain changes, they have these thoughts and they can’t stop it—it helps them to cope with that, because a lot of times they are stigmatised.

Worry visits me early Monday morning

If you suffer from childhood trauma (abuse), worry and fear were daily companions.


I have worked and integrated most of my trauma. Worry still shows up to entice me in the morning.



Past thoughts and feelings of unworthiness, tragedy and anxiety try to gain a foothold.



Our battle to be free starts at this simple, core level.



Worry has dominated our early, formative years and seems to hang around looking for a way back in.



Worry can enter stealthily, powering up before we notice.



Always, our job is to focus on the breath, while letting go of the thought driving worry.



Come back to this present moment, empty of thought, focused on what the eyes see.


This simple skill can change your life more than any other endeavor.

David Kessler: The Five Stages of Grief; 2. Anger



2.  ANGER:   Anger is a necessary stage of the healing process. Be willing to feel your anger, even though it may seem endless.


The more you truly feel it, the more it will begin to dissipate and the more you will heal.



There are many other emotions under the anger and you will get to them in time, but anger is the emotion we are most used to managing.


The truth is that anger has no limits. It can extend not only to your friends, the doctors, your family, yourself and your loved one who died, but also to God.


You may ask, “Where is God in this?


Underneath anger is pain, your pain.



It is natural to feel deserted and abandoned, but we live in a society that fears anger.


Anger is strength and it can be an anchor, giving temporary structure to the nothingness of loss.


At first grief feels like being lost at sea: no connection to anything.


Then you get angry at someone, maybe a person who didn’t attend the funeral, maybe a person who isn’t around, maybe a person who is different now that your loved one has died.


Suddenly you have a structure – – your anger toward them. The anger becomes a bridge over the open sea, a connection from you to them.


It is something to hold onto; and a connection made from the strength of anger feels better than nothing.


We usually know more about suppressing anger than feeling it.


The anger is just another indication of the intensity of your love.

David Kessler: The Five Stages of Grief; 1. Denial



1.  DENIAL:     Denial is the first of the five stages of grief. It helps us to survive the loss. In this stage, the world becomes meaningless and overwhelming.


Life makes no sense. We are in a state of shock and denial.


We go numb. We wonder how we can go on, if we can go on, why we should go on.


We try to find a way to simply get through each day. Denial and shock help us to cope and make survival possible.


Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief. There is a grace in denial.


It is nature’s way of letting in only as much as we can handle.


As you accept the reality of the loss and start to ask yourself questions, you are unknowingly beginning the healing process.


You are becoming stronger, and the denial is beginning to fade.


But as you proceed, all the feelings you were denying begin to surface.





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