Archive for the ‘My Favorites’ Category

The Need to Please: Mindfulness Skills to gain freedom from People Pleasing and Approval Seeking: Micki Fine

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“Another childhood dynamic contributes to feelings of unworthiness. As children, because our parents are bigger than we are and know more than we do, we believe that they’re all-powerful and wise. This belief is important in helping us feel safe, and because we rely on our caregivers for survival, it isn’t easily shaken. Therefore, we believe our caregivers even when they say or do things that are abusive, unloving, or unaccepting and then assume that we are innately flawed.

 

 

Then, to avoid being hurt again, we disconnect from our emotions and bodies, where we actually feel the sensations of love: warmth, expansiveness, ease, or tingling, to name a few.

 

 

 

This numbing becomes the norm.

 


In addition, because our original experience of love is receiving it from others, we believe that love originates outside of ourselves, and we look for proof of it from others (Welwood 2006).

 

 

 

This further disconnects us from our own nature of love.

 


Accordingly, we compulsively strive to earn love and are fearful of the possible consequence of not receiving it: abandonment.”

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I did not think my PTSD would return.

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I did not think my PTSD would return.

 

I also, did not think I could heal, could feel inner peace, could be worthy, but I did.

 

 

Then a prescribed blood pressure med, or more accurately its side effect, ignited my nervous system and old triggers.

 

 

I did not think my mind would dissociate so easily without constant awareness.

 

My judgments of healing and mindfulness dreamed of a euphoric life, of few negative thoughts, fewer unworthy images and an easy, happy existence.

 

In reality, my life has changed dramatically but the adversity and daily challenges test my centeredness and calm.

 

It truly is a journey, a journey with daily choices.

 

I could be sad, could be depressed at times. My meditation practice gives me a choice, be present, neutral and calm or suffer.

 

 

I still have worry and doubt at times. Worry creeps in stealthily, unbeknownst to me at first, then I catch  negative emotions arriving.

 

I feel loss at times, then know it is a judgment, air unless I give it power.

 

Gratitude, humility and giving are the tools I use to counter my “Ego’s” need for control.

 

 

I did not think it would be so challenging, so hard, so harsh after so much work.

 

My abusive childhood, my violent, critical upbringing, has left deep ruts in my subconscious.

 

 

At least now, my “Ego” sits in the back seat of my car.

 

It is not perfect but no one said it would be.

 

I am grateful I have tools to make good choices.
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What questions do you take into a new Therapist?

 

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Do your clients improve, heal in a timely manner? Please share!

 

 

Do you demand your clients do homework, take action everyday to heal?

 

 

Are you invested in caring about your clients healing, wellbeing?

 

 

 

Therapists are taught to be neutral, not my definition of a healer!

 

 

Do you feel an urgency for me to heal as fast as possible?

 

 

This one is from an online therapist, “How do you practice self-care”?  (https://boundariesofthesoul.com/2018/02/01/the-one-question-you-really-need-to-ask-your-therapist/)

 

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Could you damage yourself using this broken mirror?  Someone thinks so!

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The most important question is asked before you go to the therapist, looking in the mirror.

 

 

Am I willing to take action, all out effort to heal?

 

 

If you answer yes to that, eventually you will find a therapist who fits.

 

 

Took me many therapies, many therapists before I stumbled on a mindfulness based ACT therapy.

 

 

If we want to heal, we never give up, never diminish our effort on this healing journey.

 

 

Healing is our responsibility, not that therapist.

 

 

That therapist will not heal you!

 

 

Pick a good one and they will help you heal!
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Monica’s Request about My Fear!!!!! ************ What it was Like for me at my worst? Fear that is?

My nervous system was full of cortisol, reacting to highly charged, panic and fear.  I tried to battle this fear, but it grew, until my resistance, finally collapsed.

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For six months I awoke in an aroused state from a nightmare, drenched with sweat in a frightened panic.  The sun meant another long, incredibly long day of this, second to second doom and gloom scenario, worse than death.  How could that be?  I did not have a way out from this point.

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I do not share this, however, my fathers brutality and constant criticism manifested itself with thinking people were staring in disapproving ways, toward me.  Somehow avoiding this criticism was saving my life.  Describing this fear with words, is impossible for me.  I shook for hours, worn out from the onslaught each day of fear, just beyond my vision.

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My nervous system was so upset, that my body would dump cortisol without thought.  I had fled to my dark garage alone, even there my mind and fear followed me.

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My hopes were to someday be able to function for some things without this misery.  I knew my fears were irrational, crazy and foolish, but my body obeyed that cortisol and reacted.

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That was a funny time, when I did not believe my triggers but did not have the tools to heal me then.
Hope that helps.  Wow, that brings back some fun times!

Updated:Focused and Fearless: Relinquishment; The path of release!!!!!

a bed of golden, red and maroon coloured autumn fallen leaves

a bed of golden, red and maroon coloured autumn fallen leaves

Pics from http://www.freeimages.co.uk/linktous.htm
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“Let go of every fixation.
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Ultimately this is a path of release.
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The mind may attempt to construct itself on any foundation:
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through attachment to blissful jhanic states;
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by becoming “the one who lets go”;
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by being “the meditator who understands change.”
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Observe and laugh at the antics of the mind.
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Coax it to release its hold, even its attachment to good things.
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Uproot any place you find yourself stuck in, whether it be with the pleasures of the tranquil mind of jhana or in the clarity of insight.
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Resist the urge to keep score of your insights.
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Assessing your meditation practice only fuels grasping.
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Willingness to let go is indispensable.
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Every stage of this path requires a complete relinquishment of both the struggles and the delights, pleasant experiences and painful ones.
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Even the states of samadhi that you diligently cultivate must, in the end, be relinquished.
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Update:: __A New Film from the Studios of My back jacuzzi parlor

A new fancy LED model is almost done.  I am envisioning doing a series with parts adding more depth to everyone’s practice.  Starting with tracing the breathing track with your hand while you inhale and exhale all the way to application to triggers and beyond healing.
. The Breathing Track was born in an effort to simplify the process of practicing mindfulness for people wanting to heal from Trauma, PTSD, Complex PTSD, agoraphobia or other anxiety disorders.
My path was rather long and arduous starting a meditation or mindfulness (meditation) program in my garage by myself.  From there, I searched out a small local Zen center to strengthen my practice.  This took a few years to reach a place of emptiness (no thought) for short periods.  Along the way, I learned no goals, to sit with intention and support of others.  Loving Kindness was the last piece of the puzzle.
My complex PTSD was much better and I was gaining some freedom and relief from the once constant flow of cortisol and fear.  I would sit and ask for more understanding of the breath and all it’s connections and power it had.  My wife could not believe the depth and time spent investigating my breath.
I realized some things which were never obvious to me. The inhales were cooler than the exhales.  We pause after an exhale to let the used air to clear before taking in another oxygen filled breath.
The inhale needed a little more time to enrich the exchange of oxygen to feed the brain.  Remember the brain uses 25% of the bodies oxygen.  So all of a sudden these so called pauses had more importance.
My best results seemed to have a certain slower rhythm and flow when meditating.  How could I make this easier and quicker.  Buddhas Brain came along and finally I knew the secrets of the mind/brain.  We made the ego up, and the fight or flight mechanism was the fear feeling not the thoughts.
I plugged all my knowledge and practice to find a better way.  I knew that we always get lost in thought during the pauses or transitions.  It was easy to just follow the breath in the nostrils noticing how the breath eases past our nose hairs.
So getting lured into thoughts happens in the pauses.  What could we do to fix that.  Finally I connected the inhales and exhales making the current breathing track.
It worked.  Then after a couple of months use other benefits started appearing.  keeping thoughts out of my sits was much easier.  My breath liked the balance and flow of the track.  I found my breath had a speed which it gravitated to and the mind loved the form and balance.
Then I found my mind body and breath were soothed by the strength of the quiet and focus.  My practice reached deeper levels and more understanding of how to kill PTSD the quickest became clear.
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The simplicity of one breath

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Vermilion Lakes Sunrise
Photograph by Vitali Hantsevich, National Geographic Your Shot
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Until we can be totally focused on one breath, meditation will be a futile exercise of getting lost in thought after thought. In our society, the mind has been programmed to go fast, handle complex theory and glide on auto pilot.
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The mind resists going slow, being empty, focused on a single object.
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Master one breath, then practice with a series of three breaths. Simplicity and concentration need to be mastered first.
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This maybe a perfect warm up for a ten, twenty or thirty minute sit for the beginner or accomplished meditator.
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Words can not explain the importance of this concept. Mindfulness/Meditation is not an intellectual commodity, we have to sit, do and experience our mind in solitude.
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Trying to meditate for long periods of time initially, may bring frustration and endless thinking. How many individuals reach an empty stage in their meditation practice? Very few. In fact very few practice daily meditation for extended periods of time.
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Until we learn to be with one breath, slowly inhaling, pausing, exhaling and pausing again, will mindfulness blossom. Repetition is simple once a single breath is mastered.
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The genesis of emptiness happens when we master that elusive single breath! I can not overstate this concept, again, it must be experienced, not read or studied.
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The self (Ego) presents many opportunities for us to judge, think or even sabotage our experience.
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Master a set of three breaths then pause. Practice, practice, then expand to five breath sets. Build a solid foundation slowly, deliberately.
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We often try to move way to fast. The Ego (self) wants to dominate, compete and that brings thought, judgment and frustration.
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We want to be seasoned meditators before we are ready.
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Let all goals,thoughts and judgments go.
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Master one single breath.
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Practice, practice, practice.
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