Archive for the ‘Assorted’ Category

18 Characteristics of Codependents and 9 Truths to Support Recovery By Carmen Sakurai Last updated: 8 Jan 2020

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Excerpt:

“What Is Codependency?

Also knows as “relationship addiction,” the codependent is addicted to relationships and the validation they get from them. They will do whatever it takes, including sacrificing their own personal needs and well-being, to keep receiving this validation.

Root Cause of Codependency

Codependency is usually rooted during childhood. The child grows up in a home where their emotions are ignored or punished because the parent (or parents) suffer from mental illness, addiction, or other issues. This emotional neglect results in a child having low self-esteem, lack of self-worth, and shame.

Common Characteristics of Codependents

You are hyper-aware of other people’s needs so you become a caretaker to avoid being blamed for other people’s unhappiness and/or to feed your self-esteem by making them happy.

You believe that love and pain are synonymous. This becomes a familiar feeling so you continue to allow friends, family, and romantic relationships to behave poorly and treat you with disrespect.

Your self-esteem and self-worth are dependent on those you are trying to please. Your self-worth is based on whether or not other people are happy with what you can do for them. You over-schedule yourself with other people’s priorities to prove you are worthy.

You people-please. As a child, having a preference or speaking up resulted in being punished. You quickly learned that letting others have their way spared you from that pain.

You’re afraid to upset or disappoint others, which often leads to over-extending yourself to avoid negative feedback.

You always put others’ needs before your own. You feel guilt if you don’t follow through even if it means sacrificing your well-being. You ignore your own feelings and needs, reasoning that others are more deserving of your time and help.

You lack boundaries. You have trouble speaking up for yourself and saying NO. You allow people to take advantage of your kindness because you don’t want to be responsible for their hurt their feelings.

You feel guilty and ashamed about things you didn’t even do. You were blamed for everything as a child, so you continue to expect everyone to believe this about you now.

You’re always on edge. This is due to growing up in an environment lacking security and stability. While healthy parents protect their children from harm and danger, dysfunctional parents are the source of fear for their children and distorts their self perception.

You feel unworthy and lonely. You were always told you are not good enough and everything is your fault. The dysfunctional parent conditioned you to believe that you are of no value to anyone, leaving you with no one to turn to.

You don’t trust anyone. If you can’t even trust your own parents, who can you trust? Your unhealthy childhood conditioning lead you to believe that you do not deserve honesty or to feel safe.

You won’t let others help you. You’d rather give than receive. You try to avoid having to owe someone for the help they give you, or have the favor used against you. You’d also rather do it yourself because others can’t do it your way.

You are controlling. You were conditioned to believe that you are a “good boy/girl” if those around you are OK. So when life feels overwhelming, you try to find order by controlling others instead of fixing what needs repairs in your own life.

You have unrealistic expectations for yourself as a result of the harsh criticism you constantly received as a child.

You complain about how unhappy your life has become then quickly take it back to protect your ego, trapping you in an unending cycle of complain/deny.

You melt into others. You have difficulty separating yourself from other people’s feelings, needs, and even identities. You define your identity in relation to others, while lacking a solid sense of self.

You are a martyr. You are always giving without receiving, then feel angry, resentful and taken advantage of.

You are passive-aggressive. You feel angry and resentful and complain about “having to do everything” – while you continue doing everything on your own.

You fear criticism, rejection, and failure so you procrastinate on your own dreams and goals. Instead, you manage and control people’s plans and extract fulfillment when they succeed.

These self-destructive thoughts, emotions, and behaviors are based on distorted beliefs that developed as a result of emotional abuse during your childhood. As a helpless child, it was necessary to adapt these behaviors in order to survive.”

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Aloneness in and of itself is not a painful thing.

Pixabay: Pexel

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Excerpt from “There are No Others: Accepting the Reality of Aloneness”

“Aloneness in and of itself is not a painful thing.

The reason you associate pain with aloneness is because it was pain that brought you out of your aloneness and into the illusion of company.

Regardless of whatever the reason was, at some point in your early years you came to the conclusion that who you are is wrong.

This belief is the pain I’m speaking of.

To return to your aloneness you must first encounter the pain that took you out of it.

Pain is the gatekeeper of your awakened self.

When you rest as your true self, your pain will eventually disappear.

If you want to say goodbye to this pain for good, then identifying the source of your pain will be needed.

The package (belief) that this pain comes in is different for everyone.

Identifying this package is the first step, allowing the pain inside of it to envelop and destroy you is the next one.

If you can be destroyed then you should be destroyed.

Let it happen.

Only what is untrue in you can be destroyed.

The core belief that’s protecting your false sense of self is painful because it’s desperately trying to hold together the pieces of a fragmented identity.”

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Aloneness is not for those who want to be special.

Pixabay: wgbieber

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Excerpt from “There are No Others: Accepting the Reality of Aloneness”

Aloneness is not for those who want to be special.

An awakened human being is not a superhero.

Asleep human beings are the superheroes.

Asleep human beings start each day ready to engage in an exhausting battle that they will never win.

They fight for their survival, war with themselves and others, resist the suchness of the unexpected, and believe that their struggle is getting them somewhere.

They fight tooth and nail for some brief experience of fulfillment only to see their achievement taper off into chaos and misery again.

For this reason, an asleep human being deserves the highest respect, not the awakened one.

An awakened human being is a failure at life.

The only reason a human being awakens to their true nature is because they have tried with all of their might to succeed at happiness and have failed miserably.

The only thing they have achieved is ultimate failure.

Of course, this failure isn’t a bad thing, but it’s certainly not an achievement.

Your growth mainly happens from interacting with other human beings that are asleep.

Only by recognizing what you are not are you able to let go of what’s untrue in you.

Yes, an awakened person is a helpful reminder for you that freedom is possible, but that’s about it.

No human being can magically wash away your unconsciousness.

Building Awareness, knowing our flaws

https://pixabay.com/users/johnhain-352999/

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When strong emotion springs forth, especially anger, either our “Ego” is upset or someone has threatened one of our attachments.

I did not realize the depth of my attachment to my mindfulness group and this blog. Strong emotional reactions informed me of them.

If it involves our “Ego” or an attachment, expect a serious reaction.

I take things to personally, it is a flaw of mine.

Yes, I have wasted my time, energy and given power away indiscriminately.

Realize some behavior of others, triggers trauma from our childhood.

My reaction can be out of proportion because I perceive a sort of lethal threat to my “Ego”.

My “Ego” behaves with childish emotions at the slightest indiscretion.

Are you aware of your created “Egos” influnce on everyday life.

When we feel a strong emotion, take a breath, a step back, explore the source of your anger, unworthiness, resentment, jealousy, worry or doubt.

Meditation builds focus, exposes our “Ego”, allows us to live free in the present moment.

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Unfindable Inquiry

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The inquiries in this book are based on actual sessions I’ve had with people. Names have been changed, along with some of the circumstances, to protect the privacy of the individuals involved. In the example inquiry in this chapter, Caleb is trying to find the victim he takes himself to be. I’ve done this inquiry with people on just about every identity you can imagine, from father to CEO to worthless self.

I’ve also done the inquiry with people on the basic belief in being a separate self (ego) without putting any additional label on it, like “worthless self.” It works well either way.

I have to say, though, that the inquiry is most potent when you add a label to it. Just as the word “leaf” doesn’t point to any particular kind of leaf in the forest, the word “self” doesn’t point to anything in particular, but when you name a leaf a “maple leaf,” you know exactly what you are trying to find, and when you add a label to the self (such as “the one who isn’t good enough” or “the victim”), you know exactly what you are trying to find—the identity you take yourself to be.

We all have different stories that we take ourselves to be, and it’s helpful to give a particular label to the content of your story. I think the remaining chapters of the book will make this idea clearer.

It may sound funny to say that you cannot find your self when you try to really look for it, but give the inquiry a try. It may surprise you.

Even though it may feel strange to look for something that seems to be obviously there, it is a powerful inquiry. The self that you try to find is empty when you look for it. “Empty” means “unfindable.”

The Unfindable Inquiry can be used on anything, not just a self. I encourage you to look for anything that you feel exists in a separate, objective, inherent way. You can look for any person, place, or thing that feels objective. For example, you could look for “my crappy life,” “cancer,” “death,” “awakening,” “suffering,” “America,” “the dining room table,” or “my friend Barbara.”

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Guest Post: Find your own way to heal, but be activel

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From Sergism.com

First of all I want to thank Marty for giving me this place in his blog. I have recently started my own blog where I write about my own peculiar way to fight back my PTSD and my thoughts about nothing and everything. Blogging is one of my therapeutic tools.

I’m not going to explain my past before I started healing, only that for decades I suffered from chronic pains and chronic depression. My life until a year ago was filled with opiates and other painkillers. I wasn’t even treated for my depression. It was back in 2017 when I was sent to rehab for my pains that my healing started. But it wasn’t until the end of 2018, when all my traumas  were unleashed, that I really took control of my healing.

We all have our own baggage and we all have our own way to deal with it. I haven’t suffered more or less than other people, suffering ain’t a contest. Neither is happiness. We are all different unique individuals with completely different experiences, some of which are traumatic. What some people experience as traumatic may not be traumatic for others, but that doesn’t mean that those experiences weren’t traumatic. I honestly don’t think that we should be measuring and comparing ourselves. But I do know that we who have experienced traumas can be physically ill. These physical manifestations may differ from person to person. So does the way towards healing, it ain’t the same for everyone.

This last year I’ve learned a lot about myself and how to heal myself. I’m still in my healing process, and I believe that I will always be for the rest of my life. That is not a negative thing, on the contrary. That is actually an important part of my way out of denial, which is imprescindible for both healing and self development. 

I’m lucky to have good therapists that respect my own way of healing. They respect that because they see my improvements. They all say that I ain’t a usual patient. I take that as a compliment, but I honestly don’t think that there are usual patients. There are indeed lot’s of different tools and medications we can use to improve our health, but I strongly believe that we need to be active in the process. I don’t know nothing about others’ struggles, I only know about mine. I don’t know what’s the best therapy for other people, but I know what works for me. I know that my way of facing my struggles works because of the results. And by the feedback I get from other people both near me and in my group therapies, it looks like it works for other people as well. But let me be clear about it, I have no idea about what’s best other people.

So what is that that works so well for me? And what are the results that confirm that this actually works for me?

First let me tell you that from taking painkillers and being physically disabled to do things I wanted to do, so went I to being able to go kayaking, hiking, cycling and being able to live alone in the polar circle forests by myself for a whole week. It took me six months to start doing that. I haven’t taken painkillers for a year now. I don’t even think about the possibility of needing painkillers during my forest adventures.

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Freedom from Addiction

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“Are you constantly looking for the next fix, the next high?

Are you always looking for something else, something more?

Does life feel as though it’s missing something?

Does it feel like you can’t find the complete satisfaction you’re seeking, no matter how much you look for it?

…No matter how many drugs you take or drinks you drink?

…No matter how much stuff you buy?

…No matter how much you work?

…No matter how many experiences you have?

…No matter how much love or sex you get?

…No matter how much you gamble or eat?

If you answered yes to any of these, you may be suffering from addiction.

Addiction is the gaping hole in our lives that can never be filled.

Whether it’s a full-blown heroin addiction or an inability to stop scarfing down cookies, addiction has a way of controlling our lives.

It sets us on a course of constant, uncontrollable seeking toward the next moment.”

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