Looking back, assessing the arduous journey

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For some of us abuse started around five, way before a little mind had developed. I did not have the skills to even discern it was abuse. Criticism replaced encouragement, achievement was expected not rewarded.

I thought everyone was raised like me. Perfection was demanded of all kids and met with harsh physical punishment when it was not attained.

Fear, anxiety and a stomach that ached and was prone to vomiting often followed me. Never figured out, it was my abuse that was the culprit. My nervous system was in survival mode quite often.

Everyday life had real danger, verbal threats, physical harm and suffering.

I was shocked to find other kids had a much different experience.

They could not relate to me and I sure as hell had no idea what love, support and kindness looked like. I did not fit in at home or school.

Looking back, it seemed I needed to suffer a tremendous amount in my life before death would grace my door.

One of the biggest joys of my life was healing (improving) the first time.

For two years life was free of intense anxiety and suffering.

At 68, I see I fought a lifetime to earn two short years. But those two years meant everything to me, a magnificent triumph.

Now another trauma has returned and upset the delicate balance between suffering and being free.

In spite of my plight, I meditate and practice as hard as ever.

For my life, I had to find some peace of mind, some happiness in my ability to endure my suffering and not slack off my effort.

That was happiness for me.

Happiness is much different for me than normal kids.

I have gratitude because I know other kids had it much worse than me.

Self pity is something I loathe and rarely practice.

This recent trauma has clarified why I am like I am.

It was not easy to sit and accept everything about myself.

How about your journey and challenges?

Never give up, never give in.

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4 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Anne on August 6, 2020 at 3:49 pm

    Thank you for sharing. I appreciate your honesty, it helps me.

  2. Healing took many years the first time. It is not easy, i thought I would never function again at my lowest.

    For me to act like the journey is calm and easy would harm those trying.

    Expect to have setbacks and even if you heal, ptsd will visit again during crisis and unrest

    My biggest triumph is I am nothing like my dad, my abuser

    If I commit suicide or give up he wins

    You must find a reason to keep trying to heal un the face of perceived helplessness.

    I would never of healed if I listened to the negative thoughts and terror

    Real danger has left my life, my dad is dead, but the demon inside still lives

  3. I’m sorry to hear about your struggles throughout life. Your courage is inspiring. 26 or 68 – its never too early or too late to conquer your demons. At the end of the day you only ever life in the here and now. Being able to see that and come back to it – to love and cherish it for the precious moment it is. It doesn’t matter what age you or what years you feel you might have lost. If you’re in the moment age is meaningless. Demons will always come and go in the life as you say. Thanks for sharing.

  4. I run a blog and mentor people in a mindfulness group, I have a responsibility to lead and not give up

    When I started blogging I kept my details hidden

    Now I feel free to share

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