PTSD was embarrassing, demeaning and humiliating for me

Pixabay: KELLEPICS

.

I understand the mechanism of PTSD, how trauma fires the fight or flight mechanism. How my childhood trauma, activated in mid 50’s, then manifested in an embarrassing, mundane way.

Knowing my father never said a kind word, used criticism as a way of raising me, explains some of my triggers.

My fight or flight mechanism was firing over ten times a day. Cortisol levels had to be extreme as my nervous system turned upside down.

I would shake uncontrollably, hiding in my dark garage during the day. Avoiding triggers narrowed life until I was agoraphobic.

Going out in public felt live threatening. However our trauma manifests itself, even in mundane things, it feels life threatening.

My father shamed and ridiculed me, I was branded internally.

PTSD fear feels like life and death. Along with the fear, our mind freezes, we feel numb, vulnerable, helpless.

I felt at my core, I did not have the right to be alive. This is difficult to write but true.

I knew this was highly erroneous and illogically, no real danger existed.

My nervous system disagreed. I feared what my mind would put me through after a strong trigger.

At least a week of ruminating about the incident, which was surely a confused memory with the scariest emotions possible.

The what if’s proliferated. The desire to avoid becomes stronger than the desire to go out.

At its core, it feels like survival, when in truth it is the opposite.

Much of this suffering could have been avoided, I did not have the correct tools or direction.

With the knowledge I have now, healing would of been a couple months instead of five plus years.

I tried to think my way out, be the strong jock I identified as. Common sense and talk do not reach our stored trauma, implicit memories.

Learning to focus, to explore my body sensations instead of traumas storyline, calmed my nervous system.

I simplified my entire approach.

I worked on one symptom, Dissociation. That meant letting all thoughts go.

All my effort was invested in being mindful, present, feeling every body sensation as I explored the inner world.

This post was hard to write, hard to admit how mundane my triggers were. Embarrassed at how they controlled my life and brought suffering.

Hope they give insight into your battle with PTSD.

Finally, I improved and have peace of mind and self worth and so can you.

.

5 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by rudid96 on June 17, 2020 at 4:00 pm

    For me, this post has been incredibly powerful. I identified with the embarrassment of living a life ruled by trauma triggers & suffering. Rather sobering to see it on paper. So much time wasted. My head has found a refuge in all kinds of distractions and dissociations. At some point there comes a time (if one lives long enough) where there’s only 2 clear options. Find and USE the tools that enable rebuilding a healthier life or stop living. Living life in limbo & in perpetual suffering is not any kind of life. Should have the 4 key points; Focus, Explore Body Sensations, Stop Trauma Storylines, Stop Dissociation engraved on a touchstone.

  2. This post will resonate for those who have experienced full blown Complex PTSD

    It is easy to get lost, deep in the confusing behavior of our once dependable mind.

    Trauma operates outside of our conscious control

    Takes courage and persistence to neutralize it along with select tools.

    Thanks for your input

    Many feel the same way

    Never give up, never give in

  3. Posted by isidrobuquiron7876 on June 18, 2020 at 1:39 pm

    I hear you…and the road is arduous, but the journey must continue. Grateful to this blog and to other pioneers in the path.

  4. Did you email me
    I want to take my email address down
    So just say hi so we have each other addresses

    You can alleviate a lot of your suffering much more quickly than you think

  5. Can you email me again

    Would not return mail to you

    Thanks

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: