It takes a different kind of courage to heal. .

https://pixabay.com/users/Alexas_Fotos-686414/

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Being courageous athletically meant enduring pain, overcoming psychological challenges and competing fiercely.

Playing professional baseball was like a battle every night, competing for a prize, sacrificing my body for success.

Being courageous with PTSD is completely different.

The battle is non action, passive acceptance and surrender.

I learned to wage war with PTSD by surrendering completely to the storyline as an observer.

I learned to focus on my breath, staying present as my fight or flight mechanism exploded.

My personality was the opposite. Professional Competitive sports is about skill, hard work and intimidation.

In golf most of the field can shoot 62 on a given day. The six inches between their ears is what separates the champions.

Surrendering felt weak, a place of weakness.

I was terrified to surrender when feeling so vulnerable. My heart would pound, that cortisol jolt rocked my being, my nervous system shocked me with electrical impulses and my amygdala spotted imminent danger.

Summoning the courage while meditating one day, I gave up all resistance to my adrenal stress mechanism firing.

I opened my arms wide, exposing my heart, visualizing it as a butterfly net, gently catching my fears, observing, then releasing.

Their was ultimate power in surrendering in the face of the scariest moments, when our nervous system erupts violently.

Staying present, intently aware of my body secreting cortisol and adrenaline, revealed the reality of my triggers.

Observing my trauma from a distance, surrendering to their virtual power, integrated some of my trauma.

Surrendering felt unnatural at first, I was an avid overachiever, a doer.

Well that is how I viewed my creation, my “Ego” at the time.

I had to let go of that mirage of the fighting overachiever.

Funny how PTSD led me on a spiritual journey.

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2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by michaeldepth on May 2, 2020 at 4:29 pm

    Thanks Marty. In our society we see strength as fighting and struggling. We don’t see strength as being able to face our vulnerability. Good for you to have the courage to do this in the face of PTSD. It was a very hard lesson for me also.

  2. For my journey, it was the only way.

    Integrating trauma is not easy or fun

    Thanks for your input

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