Lost in childhood, lost for decades

Pixabay: Flensshot

.

.

In my childhood, I never had a content moment, a moment of pure satisfaction, a situation that had a purpose I created.

My parents were young, 16 when the pregnancy happened. My father resented his freedom being stolen, later I would read about how narcissists only care about themselves .

I know a purpose would benefit me. My mother told me God made me to be a professional baseball player, my father just demanded I be twice as good as everyone else, there was no room for my purpose.

I do not feel sorry for myself, I want to understand why my life lacked purpose. Starved for approval throughout my childhood, adulthood was a lost journey for decades.

Who was I? “I” had no idea.

Looking back, experiencing approval was more important than my wellbeing. I would risk and persevere to earn approval.

Approval equaled happiness for me, but happiness is not what I felt.

Approval was external, fleeting and could change to criticism, so life was always stressful, in flux.

Approval was never permanent so my pseudo happiness was based on false assumptions.

I yearn for that content, calm, confidant feeling, an internal knowing I am fine.

My path has decided to enhance giving and gratitude.

Thoughts and emotions are discounted as ephemeral and transparent, like appendages.

My Aware Presence is given maximum energy.

Simple, concrete, specific goals are best.

.

.

.

3 responses to this post.

  1. Very explicit.🍵

  2. Actually this description of my childhood is kind of general

    Once a week my mother would buy and cook Lima beans

    My father made a paddle he had drilled holes in.

    He beat me once a week til he was tired for vomiting Lima beans

    That was not the only beating but that was constant my whole childhood

  3. Thanks for your insight

    It’s hard to have perspective when you were raised in such a violent and critical environment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: