Unworthy thoughts!

Pixabay: ElisaRiva

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When negative or unworthy thoughts appear, remember the mind can only hold a finite number of thoughts at one time.

I repeat my affirmation, In this moment, right now, I accept all of me. Kindness surrounds my body, a content, calm flows inside me.

So replacing unworthy thoughts with positive ones is a decent strategy. When focus strengthens, we can let these thoughts fade on their own, a better strategy.

It takes practice, building confidence, then facing our fear to improve. Getting better has always aroused deep seated fear.

In childhood it was the threat of abandonment, the ultimate terror for a helpless kid. Fight, flight or freeze became freeze for me. How can you fight a giant or flee to where, as a 6 year old?

I always knew my PTSD symptoms were aroused when I would feel like a child. I was more sensitivity, hyper-vigilant, anxious and frightened.

PTSD fear became the unknown at times, a future disaster on the horizon. My triggers were so irrational, ridiculous, funny if they did not fire my adrenal stress response.

When I was younger, public speaking was my ultimate fear.

I had no clue my trauma was manifesting my deep unworthiness into panic. In front of a group my anxiety made it hard to breathe, terror filled my being.

If a speech was scheduled a week from today, I would die an arduous death daily. By the day of the speech, hospitalization would be kinder or a firing squad.

Knowing real fear was not present cognitively did not stop my triggers firing, or panic exploding.

Thinking will not heal us, being able to focus and not think for periods of time will.

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