Healing does not fix Everything

Pixabay: andremsantana

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Acceptance of myself and my situation in the present moment was a marathon undertaking. I had 40 years of practicing unworthiness and grasping self shaming thoughts.

PTSD was my elephant and it took many, many meals to finish that pachyderm.

Life expanded, fears faded, my nervous system calmed down, and happy moments appeared.

My changes were miraculous, freedom from that darkness, a content feeling instead of that emotional terror of triggers firing.

My gratitude filled my chalice. Well if I had a chalice, it would be full.

I had to accept that trusting people would never be easy for me.

Trust remains difficult and loyalty is paramount in a friendship.

I envy friends who live like everything will turn out alright. For a seriously abused little boy, everything did not turn out alright.

For me the loss, the ridicule, the embarrassing possibilities of a situation appears, I may take action in the face of loss but it is not easy.

I have to find happiness in others places and accept life holds more betrayal for me than others.

My arduous journey of healing, incessant reading, hours of daily meditating, therapy and aerobic exercise trained me to help others.

I have lost things because of my childhood but I have also gained valuable skills healing.

I have been part of others healing journey. The skills and direction I shared along with answering their questions impacted their lives immensely.

Beside my kids and grandkids these relationships are prized possessions.

From agoraphobic terror, hiding in my dark garage for six months to facilitating a mindfulness group for NAMI, it feels like a miracle to me.

Life has opportunity and loss.

My effort and attitude receives my attention and energy.

I have learned to stop judging myself, narrating life.

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2 responses to this post.

  1. “PTSD was my elephant and it took many, many meals to finish that pachyderm,” that made me laugh but does prove that big, difficult jobs can be finished .. by continuous effort and one spoonful at a time. Good luck!

  2. Thanks for your insight.

    One bite one meal at a time

    Meditation is focus in one breath then we move to the next inhale then pause then exhale followed by the final pause

    Simple
    Concrete immediate and simple

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