Drumming up the Past can bring anxiety and more

pixabay: 3D_Maennchen

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A phone interview launched me on a journey into my past. An author was writing a book on Miami Orioles baseball.

He asked me how I started playing baseball. Even at this age, 67, I wondered how my family would retaliate.

That little boy still carries childhood fear.

I was surprised. Drumming up my baseball career, brought back the loss.

My PTSD, not fully activated yet, forced me to quit playing. I feel ashamed sharing that. Quitting is vile in my world.

I felt more loss the last couple of days than the day I walked away.

My PTSD destroyed my life when I was young.

PTSD stole my dream!

I maybe healed but a big void will never be filled.

Two of my teammates have committed suicide. One a Cy Young award winner and Orioles broadcaster, Mike Flanagan.

The other jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge, Dante Benedetti.

Throughout my career, these two guys would of led the list of players who were easiest going, happiest.

When I quit baseball, it was out of desperation to survive, now for the first time I feel the loss.

Well, I need to meditate, feel this loss in its entirety, then let it go.

This does not feel good, but I need to experience and release this saved trauma.

Another piece of hidden trauma has surfaced and now I will integrate it.

Meditating and healing are a daily challenge.

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One response to this post.

  1. Hopefully it will cathartic sharing my shame. It’s a first for me. I must be healing more.

    I try to stay open and not avoid or deny my experience.

    Anyone else want to share trauma or shame?

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