A frightened little boy faces adulthood

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Being a narcissist, my father demanded total control, I do not think he meant to shame me. Shame was a by product of the constant criticism, his way of making me a great baseball player.

My father had a dream, having to get married because of a pregnancy at 17; my mom was 16, robbed him of his dream.

He would live his dream through me, he would take all the credit and I would be criticized with every imperfect move he deemed unacceptable.

Even healed, life is much different for a severely abused little boy.

I live a quiet life, I try to give and have plenty of gratitude for myself and others.

Being happy go lucky, knowing everything will turn out all right, I will never know the feeling.

Life is a struggle. This is my challenge, I accept and do my best.

Surviving my father, then healing, uncovered incredible skills along with the damage.

My willpower was a monster. Athletically I could push my body through pain and barriers others could not.

In sports I could defeat stronger, quicker, more athletic guys with willpower and smarts.

Psychologically, I could wear down an opponent, exploit their weaknesses and defeat them.

Unfortunately none of these conquests elevated my unworthy “Ego” or soothed my damaged inner child.

Some of us desire power, money, or status, my father gave me a goal of baseball stardom. He wanted his son to be the best baseball player ever to live. I was more unnatural than natural.

My physical traits were average at best, speed, oh I was slow of foot. I was average size and strength, a middle of the pack kid with a violent possessed narcissistic father.

I felt like a failure at 35. I had graduated college with a BS in chemistry, played seven years professional baseball and now enjoyed success in private life.

None of that dinted my unworthy soul.

Trophies, hall of fame awards were but momentary distractions, trauma ruled my world.

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5 responses to this post.

  1. I can see the pain, my eyes, almost brings me to tears.

    What a triumphant moment it should have been.

    I carried an enormous weight, perfect expectations to make dad look good.

    Hard to live another mans dream, or fulfill another mans unrealistic expectations.

    Countruntuituve as it seems, I have enormous gratitude for developing the skills that allowed me to heal.

    We make lemonade out of the lemons bestowed upon us.

  2. Oh man, can I relate! My mother never achieved higher education in life and my father didn’t graduate college, so they made me into some type of would-be-professor. Then they blamed me and said I was being manipulative and attention-seeking and all when I had a breakdown two months into university. I am multiply-disabled, which my parents deny (well, they can’t deny I’m blind but they can deny my other disabilities). NOw I’m in the process of going into long-term care for people with severe and multiple disabilities and I am mostly happy, but the thought that I didn’t prove my worth to my parents still haunts me. Thanks so much for sharing your story.

  3. We are perfect, our parents flaws caused our suffering

    You have done well and should be proud

  4. Thanks so very much for saying that.

  5. Well I think your ability to find happiness through all your challenges is impressive

    We can only do our best, then appreciate the effort

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