Who am I?

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I was given my identity from my parents, my mother said God made me to be a professional baseball player. My father had stronger convictions about who I was.

Of course my “Ego” was created around this edict. “Who am I” was decided for me, “I” did not have a say according to my parents.

Before 30 I was out of professional baseball, who was I now has always been a conundrum for me.

My father treated me differently depending on my performance. Yes, it was complete conditioned love ❤️. A toxic love of brutality and control.

What hapoens when your first caregivers steal your identity?

You wander through life lost, looking for meaning, relevance, identity.

At 67 my “Ego” has dropped that baseball ⚾️ moniker.

It was hard to accept others definition of who you are.

My childhood was stolen. It is our job to limit the impact to just our childhood.

It was only my childhood, I have found out “Who I am “ during my healing journey.

I am not any label and definitely not unworthy.

I am present, aware and focused. That is enough!

I am a giver, a person with large amounts of gratitude, a content, calm, kind man.

That last sentence did not appear without great effort on my journey.

Find your true self through inner exploration and discovery.

Trauma is an invisible prison!

Refuse to label, stay present, alive, and active.

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3 responses to this post.

  1. I visited my mother last week, had a mother/son sit down like not before. She disclosed that she and my father disagreed on almost every aspect of how to parent/discipline/guide me. She admitted they had no idea how to parent me. My mother experienced severe trauma and loss as a child. My father was raised by a domineering mother and a spineless wimp of a father. As a child, I remember their arguments usually were within my hearing and always included my name in one way or another. I now realize that I always thought I had f**kid up or did something bad or wrong, yet had no idea what. Marty, isn’t it amazing what our parents’ deficits did to us? 50 years later, I am a man who avoids blame at all costs and often becomes defensive over almost nothing. In a sense, they stole my identity too, as I have no ability to be strong in certain crucial ways. My default is, “what did I do?” Big realization for me. Now the task is to discover how to apply this such that I can muster strength from it. Bad parents really suck.

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  2. Great job

    You new approach towards your mother allowed her to open up

    Have gratitude for your courage and openness

    It is the journey not the goal

    You need to work on accepting yourself and let that narrative go

    You are perfect like all of us as our true self our bodies wither and die along with the ego we create that causes us considerable suffering

  3. Yes, I will accept your words. Thank you.

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