Unworthy, shamed, flawed (my childhood)

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My child hood trauma made me feel unworthy, shamed, and flawed.

In due time avoidance became my symptom of choice, I tried reducing my fight or flight mechanism from firing and my mind obsessing over the causes of my triggers.

In our confused state, limiting the triggers situations, avoiding life seems the path of least resistance and healing.

That is similar to chasing pleasure and avoiding life’s reality. Both end in more suffering.

Avoiding my triggers, isolated me from life, I thought I would heal the less my triggers exploded.

In due time I feared my thoughts after a trigger more than the trigger itself. It was more painful to experience my mind trying to cognitively understand why trigger thoughts had so much power.

We’re my thoughts real or a mirage. The cortisol and adrenaline released with the firing of my denfense mechanism were real.

The thoughts were bullshit, trauma memories stored in the right amygdala, as implicit memory, unable to be impacted consciously.

Thinking, judging, cognitively manipulating traumas storyline leads to more suffering.

My avoidance led to social anxiety. Complex PTSD, my childhood trauma had manifested its unworthiness as an outcast, unworthy to be alive.

Yes, my PTSD damn near killed me at its apex.

At my low point, I was surprised the resilience that was stored around my core. When my mind was frozen, I found life with aerobic exercise until near exhaustion.

My legs could move even when my mind was frozen. Life is closer to action, sedentary closer to death. We need to move, to battle, to live fully.

Change is hard for an abused kid, life comes at us much to quick.

We are confused about who we are.

Was I the kid who was constantly ridiculed by his male caregiver, shamed or was I normal like other kids.

Surely normal has never been my experience.

I was different, unworthy, beaten, shamed, sentenced to suffering.

Hard for me to recall the gravity of my plight back then since I healed.

The extreme panic and fear are gone.

That means we all can heal, if I can crawl out of that hole, you can also.

My message is that we can heal with persistence and the right tools.

Never give up, never give in.

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