Updated: new response; The Rollercoaster ride of PTSD! My crazy Path!

 

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My initial healing seemed miraculous and lasted for a number of years. It took tremendous effort with the resources at hand. Recently a prescribed blood pressure script sent my nervous system into a frenzy as it drained my body of energy. I thought my healing was permanent, another erroneous judgment.

 

This ignited my PTSD symptoms, triggers had power again as life narrowed. As I have found out, some unresolved trauma needed integration .    My amygdala had calmed as the fight or flight mechanism remained dormant. The thoughts and emotional side of ptsd were still alive.

 

This has been a perplexing experience. My old tools still calmed me but ptsd was alive and kicking again. I needed to adapt and find a few new tools. If you have not experienced serious PTSD, these words are hollow and mean nothing.

 

Using the internal Family system, meditation and inner peace work, I felt times of being centered, calm. I never experienced inner peace before. Felt like I was whole, healed for a couple of weeks.

 

Yesterday, I was triggered, nothing exceptional but my mind’s  reaction to it, has changed life again. My inner peace was replaced by the rumination of traumas, fear and terror. I fear what my mind will do after a trigger much more than the event itself.

 

A trigger transports me back to my abusive childhood. Could anyone understand what it was like to be raised by a narcissist who lived through their child. Violence and rage at me were common events. My childhood has haunted me at times.

 

I realize even more now, that this is an internal battle. The external trigger holds little power, it just trips the switch of the amygdala, connecting to my childhood. My unworthiness is internal and ancient for me.

 

Healing is a rollercoaster ride. This is discouraging to say the least, but I did, for the first time in my life, experience a little inner peace. A huge triumph, now what?

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When we face this dilemma choices appear.

 

If we dissociate, get lost in analyzing the trigger, the cause, the fairness, the ramifications, we suffer. If we avoid or give, up ptsd grows.

 

Healing is not a straight graph line upward. We face setbacks, failure and loss as we crawl out of trauma’s grave.

 

Our work is to not give up, not get discouraged, not lose focus.

 

 

Complex PTSD from an abusive childhood has many tentacles. Our brains were not developed when trauma occurred and this has left stuck parts behind. Healing does not happen easily or fast with complex PTSD.

 

Realize the size of the battle we engage in. Setbacks are part of healing.
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17 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by David on May 16, 2018 at 4:30 pm

    I have had a similar ride as you. This is why in a couple of weeks I’m trying EMDR- to help with the unresolved emotions that are so far below the surface I (the self) don’t know exist but certain “inner family” members sure do!

  2. I have done EMDR, it has had some success with sufferers. Be aware of your willpower as you have setbacks but you have not given up. You have scheduled another plan of action and this will eventually lead you to inner peace.

    We control only effort and attitude. Trauma heals at its own pace.

    Good luck with your EMDR

  3. It was not easy to heal the first time. I Meditated for five hours everyday for five years, applying all the skills and tools learned through reading and therapy.

    A year into starting my blog, I healed to the point where symptoms vanished, freedom with life appeared and unworthiness was absent. That was five years ago take a couple minths one way or the other.

    Writing my posts from that space was empowering and I thought healing was permanent. I see my “Ego”felt superior and more powerful than my PTSD.

    These disorders are humbling, able to knock us to our knees.

    Life’s battles do not end when we get tired frustrated or angry. Oh yes ptsd pisses me off. I do have times when I resent the hell out of it. I have uttered why me a few times, also.

    Now the trauma game is afoot again. So many emotions cross my consciousness but I have learn d not to drink from that stream of misery. That does not heal me but limits traumas power.

    I thought my second healing had arrived, as did my therapist. He did say there maybe one big trigger to face before trauma departs. How prophetic this sounds today. He told me that two,weeks ago.

    I hope sharing my journey helps others.

  4. Posted by Paging Mrs Zen on May 17, 2018 at 5:30 am

    Thanks for sharing Marty. ‘Disorders are humbling’ yes, so is heart work and healing, sifting through past pain, trauma, and experiences. Tough, dirty, gritty work but oh so worth it for the peace we can reclaim. ✌🏼😌

  5. Thanks mrs zen

    Sharing the trial and tribulations of our journey can be powerful

  6. Posted by David on May 17, 2018 at 2:05 pm

    Thanks Marty! I know EMDR is not THE TOOL for this – but A tool. I’m using many different tools presently. Meditation does not work for me in the long run (YET) because the Harsh Inner Critic is ALWAYS there and there is always background noise (like tinnitus in my brain). I have come to believe this is due to some heavy unresolved issue that I MUST deal with first.

  7. Your welcome David,

    Many have experienced exactly what you have done with meditation. Without proper direction and a mentor, teacher or co patent therapist meditation can stir up our triggers.

    My new read “Trauma Sensitive Meditation” details the many cases where meditation made things worse for people.

    One thing he says that it can take a relationship to heal PTSD. He means your therapist, mentor or teachers has to show you care, that you will be safe, secure.

    The space you need to hold when triggers explode is a special space.

    My daughter tells me that I am there, on beckon call for the people I support. They have my phone number and can call me if they have a question or need direction.

    They trust me, see that I have crawled out of a similar hole.

    I look forward to one of my people or someone in group gets triggered. I know what to do and how to help them see what is happening. If you could see the cortisol being dissipated, the fear and anxiety calm and then see no harm has been done, ptsd has lost a little,power.

    I think I can help you meditating. You have strengths we need to discover and use.

    If you are interested I will give you my phone number.

    M dictation supports all therapies also. EMDR will work better if you can stop dissociating.

  8. very relatable. thank you for sharing your experience♥️♥️

  9. Thank you

  10. Hey just wanna check in and see how your healing progress is going. Ive recently ran into a similar situation. All my trauama came rushing back in after i caught the flu. Im coping well so far and dealing with these roller coasters my therapist has been a blessing.

  11. Mine is much better now

    I think we will always be susceptible to flare ups

  12. Hey thanks for responding. I had a question regarding a reply you made. You mentionaed mentioned possibly being one big trigger away from healing?? Is that how you healed. I feel in the past i healed by flooding and flashbacks but lately im so anxious that im kinda in denial that im getting better. Even tho i intuitivly feel like im healing. I know its irrational but something ive neen struggling with. Thank you for your time you take to help people with thier trauama.

  13. Thanks for the inquiry and support.

    Healing can be almost violent emotionally when some trauma integrates. It may feel like things are getting worse but look at the big picture

    Healing is not a steady improvement, it ebbs and flows and feels crazy sometimes.

    Try not to judge and by all means increase your effort.

    Remember our Ego wants control, stay present and resist rumination or judging.

    Triggers are feared, that builds their strength. They grow when we try to deny, avoid or manipulate them.

    If I am afraid of my defense mechanism, our fight or flight mechanism, how will we heal.

    Trauma is most vulnerable when it is at it strongest, during an emotionally fitted trigger.

    It is also at its most vulnerable, its weakest.

    That is why we meditate, build focus on the breath. If we can stay present and either just focus on the breath or observe our body sensations related to these fears, integration and healing happen.

    Triggers are the quickest portal to healing

    When I built my focus and understood my triggers, I hunted them down and integrated them

    I had a shield to fight back, well we accept and focus and that is how we fight back.

    PTSD by definition is an irrational disorder. Our amygdala is out of order and spots imminent danger when none exists.

  14. I feel like every time I think I’ve finally gotten past the trauma and tragedy of my past and have made peace with it and myself, it always seems like something comes out of nowhere to trigger a reaction and remind me that maybe I’m not completely over it after all.

  15. I thought when I healed the first time I had emptied my amygdala but that was not accurate

    Childhood trauma can be triggered again but I have the memory of healing it once

    I live with a sort of hybrid ptsd now

    My fight or flight mechanism does not fire

    I have made friends with it meditating and surrendering to my fears

    Try surrendering

    Open ur arms as wide as possible

    Imagine ur heart is a butterfly net

    While meditating catch ur fears with ur open heart

    This is us all the way open

    Just be curious and observe your triggers without judgment

    This will crack into the resistant strains

  16. I think the subconscious has a lot to do with it too. For instance, I can feel pretty at peace with my past while waking, but might still have nightmares about it at night. Our conscious mind can be tamed a whole lot easier than our subconscious.

  17. Trauma is stored in the right amygdala, stored differently, and not accessible consciously.

    It senses danger on its own since it is tasked with our defense

    This is why meditating can bridge the gap into the subconscious.

    I had horrible nightmares for a while and figured out that I had to integrate the trauma while conscious to stop the nightmares

    Realize ptsd is irrational and does not make sense

    We spot serious danger where none exists in reality

    I knew my triggers were not dangerous but my fight or flight mechanism dumped real chemicals, cortisol and adrenaline into my system

    This is why so few heal from childhood trauma

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