Sharing my vulnerability is difficult after a Trigger!

 

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Triggered yesterday my past trauma resurrects itself again.  Please excuse any grammar issues.

The cause stems from my childhood abuse. Being made fun of, being devalued, and criticized were parts of my childhood.

 


My father, a narcissist, and my baseball coach demanded I be twice as good as everyone else. Constant criticism was his motivational tool. Every game I was critiqued against his standards. Nowhere to hide, to avoid this abuse.  The abuse was also physically intense at times

 

Kids are cruel in school. They were merciless making fun of my prominent nose. I was a shy, abused kid who needed help and support, instead I faced ridicule. The combination of both made a permanent scar.

 

This created an atmosphere of terror for me at home and at school. My nervous system would make me vomit from the constant noise.

 

My successes in life, looking back, were remarkable coming from my abusive upbringing. Graduating college, playing professional baseball for seven years, and then, business success did nothing to repair my internal devastation. Deep down I was a failure, a fraud.

 

I never knew what was wrong with my life until I was past fifty. Being an overachiever kept me extremely busy, busy enough to keep my demons at bay. One day with a family crisis, the damn broke and PTSD ignited.

 

Healing was nonexistent for the first six months. Takes time to figure out what is PTSD and how do I fix this. Thinking my way out, made things much worse. Hard for an overachiever to do nothing but observe, then accept the terror while letting go.

 

It took me six years to heal the first time. I flowed through life with ease for five years. My true nature, suppressed by my father blossomed. I was an extrovert. My friends were astonished that my introverted behavior disappeared.

 

A side effect of a blood pressure med ignited my complex PTSD once again. Now, my fight or flight mechanism does not fire violently, but I feel some agitation along with the old storyline.

 

I know my social anxiety, how my PTSD manifests itself, is not dangerous but mundane. I know there is no fear inside my defense mechanism.

 

Some PTSD symptoms are subconscious, remember the mind is confused under the fight or flight mechanism. Loss of fine motor skills, tunnel vision and a sense of imminent danger is what our amygdala is signaling! Danger and maybe death is the signal.

 

This is an irrational disorder we will never quite understand. Danger exists inside this mechanism and can haunt us. At one time imminent death felt near or something worse than death lived in there.

 

When my triggers sense danger, my mind still can be confused, trying to think it’s way to safety. In reality, I know better and use my mindfulness tools.

 

Thinking is jet fuel for our trauma fears, letting go, staying present our shield of protection. Yes I am pissed my complex PTSD resurfaced.

 

It is a weaker hybrid without the huge jolt or fear, but still can bring me pain and confusion.

 


I share this post and my vulnerability, hopefully to help others. This disorder does not own me but can cause issues under stress.

 


The recent suicide by Mechelle has been very difficult and my symptoms have increased. For this reason I meditate more, practice more awareness to catch myself ruminating.


It is important for me to face these fears instead of isolate. Hard to believe I facilitate a real mindfulness group. Maybe it is because they can relate to my struggles and ability to fight and take action.

 


This post has a different feel, it is right after a trigger and some confusion. This is a triumph for me sharing how vulnerable and stupid I feel living this disorder.
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12 responses to this post.

  1. Every time your posts show up in my inbox, I marvel at how consistent and committed you are to an intentional life. That you sometimes stumble makes it all the more marvelous.

  2. Thank you for your kindness, it lifts my spirits. I always say healing is simple, not easy. Life can be harsh at times, it is never fair, so we need to lose that expectation.

    It takes. Wing vulnerable to heal. That is very difficult for me. I was taught to never show weakness.

    I know it was shame I felt as a kid, it was intentional, not accidental. That shame has been my antagonist since then.

    A good strong adversary.

  3. A powerful and touching share Marty. Thank you for hanging in there and being true to yourself. Its so needed in the world we live in today 💕 Sending a hug 💕

  4. It’s so important to be honest with ourselves about our situation. Beautifully expressed. I am seeing immense change in my clients and myself using art therapy. We can release the old story and trauma of our past that gets trapped in our body completely, when we work with the unconscious mind. If you are interested, go to my counselling page and contact me. It is so empowering to know you do not have to carry this story around any longer. Creating a new story is always possible. You deserve this freedom. 🙏🏻🌈

  5. Posted by jeanetteirene on November 1, 2018 at 9:53 pm

    Marty,
    Thank you for your honesty in your vulnerability over this PTSD wave. You honesty helps me own my own reactions to “things I’m supposed to be over with”. I often get angry with myself/my body for still have PTS responses, even though I know that it is not my cognitive brain that is causing it ….. it is my body response that is coming from the amygdala. It is a great reminder that this healing is a perpetual. And being mindful and present is the answer in pulling away from the thoughts that drag me into the traps of self deprecation, etc. And with breath, I can rejoin the healing path. With love and light….. Jeanette

  6. Thanks Val. For the support

  7. We all have a storyline. I will have to look into your site.

  8. Thanks Jeanette, yes it is not smooth sailing but I have come so far and healed so much.

    I was stuck in my garage for six months agoraphobic and triggered 40 times a day. Life was miserable and my nervous system was upside down, totally raw.

    I revisit how far I have come and those I have helped in their journey to gain strength for my own battle.

  9. Do you have a link to your counseling page?

  10. Hi Marty
    https://shamanismandhealing.com/aluna-counseling-and-mentoring/

    We can work out the best way to communicate and understand what we can work through together. It’s so exciting when we are free of our old story! I hope I can facilitate that for you 🙏🏻

  11. Marty, one of the reasons I stay connected to this site, despite the ups and downs associated with healing from C-PTSD is that you do more than offer words. You have and do live with trauma. You share your vulnerability and model the struggle with grace. There’s so much honesty in your post. I’m sorry that your PTSD was recently reignited and know that the breath is always within reach. I support you in your quest and am grateful that you facilitate this blog! ❤

  12. Thank you for your gratitude

    My blog is my journey, the ups and downs.

    I try to not be dependent on approval but all the responses to this post validate my effort.

    I try to be on equal ground with my words, we are not in competition but in harmony.

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