I did not think my PTSD would return.

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I did not think my PTSD would return.

 

I also, did not think I could heal, could feel inner peace, could be worthy, but I did.

 

 

Then a prescribed blood pressure med, or more accurately its side effect, ignited my nervous system and old triggers.

 

 

I did not think my mind would dissociate so easily without constant awareness.

 

My judgments of healing and mindfulness dreamed of a euphoric life, of few negative thoughts, fewer unworthy images and an easy, happy existence.

 

In reality, my life has changed dramatically but the adversity and daily challenges test my centeredness and calm.

 

It truly is a journey, a journey with daily choices.

 

I could be sad, could be depressed at times. My meditation practice gives me a choice, be present, neutral and calm or suffer.

 

 

I still have worry and doubt at times. Worry creeps in stealthily, unbeknownst to me at first, then I catch  negative emotions arriving.

 

I feel loss at times, then know it is a judgment, air unless I give it power.

 

Gratitude, humility and giving are the tools I use to counter my “Ego’s” need for control.

 

 

I did not think it would be so challenging, so hard, so harsh after so much work.

 

My abusive childhood, my violent, critical upbringing, has left deep ruts in my subconscious.

 

 

At least now, my “Ego” sits in the back seat of my car.

 

It is not perfect but no one said it would be.

 

I am grateful I have tools to make good choices.
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2 responses to this post.

  1. with each breath
    may you be well,
    dear one 🙂

  2. Thank you

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