Why do people staring at me impact my life so negatively?

 

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I share this with a feeling of extreme embarrassment.

 

 

It seems so mundane, so ridiculous on paper, but in real life, it is my invisible prison.

 

 

Why does this seem to have such a negative influence, such an enormous power, such a quick, catastrophizing affect.

 

 

A childhood filled with constant criticism, extreme physical violence and harsh abuse, lives just beneath the surface of my consciousness.

 

 

I was a thing to my father, like the owner of a fighting pit bull. My worth was how good I made him look playing sports.

 

 

I had a big nose as a kid, which made me a target for ridicule, shame and unwanted attention.

 

 

Add this experience to my fathers abuse and my trauma manifests as social anxiety.

 

 

These two situations dominated my childhood, nowhere was I safe.

 

 

Catastrophic loss seems possible for me, when it explodes.

 

 

My C-PTSD came from this sick childhood.

 

 

Cognitively, I know all of this is irrational, transparent and impossible.

 

 

Knowing does not eliminate hypervigilance, anxiety, fear or shame!

 

 

They run on their own without conscious influence or control.

 

 

If I spend time thinking about any of this, it grows.

 

 

My job is to Meditate, slow the mind, focus it, and then let all these judgments and thoughts pass on by.

 

 

The most I have to fear is my own reaction to this stimuli.

 

 

No matter what, living fully and happily is my goal, not isolation or hiding for safety.

 

 

Thoughts? I have decided to share my journey in more detail as ptsd resurfaces in my life.
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Why do 20 vets commit suicide everyday for last two years?

 

Decorated officers with multiple bravery medals kill themselves feeling cowardly.

 

why do we avoid, isolate and become agoraphobic.

 

 

if we could connect to our trauma, surely we could talk to it, heal it with words, understand it.

 

 

by definition this disorder is irrational

4 responses to this post.

  1. When I began to discover a deep awareness of my feelings and thoughts coming in, I started to see over time, these were not the truth. I began to see that I am not my grief, I am not my mother or father, or my experiences that led me to the pain and loss I felt, and from here I slowly began to separate the stories from the truth. That I am love, that I am abundant and peace and I am enough just being. 🌈

  2. Thanks for response.

    I healed for a good five years, went anywhere I wanted free as a bird. I had to know I was not the grief or all that unworthiness was delusion.

    Cognitively and deep inside I know all these things, my hyper-vigilance and triggers still fire by themselves lately.

    Now I have days where I am free and days where hypervigilance is a companion.

    The Ego, mind or body resists giving up control and act erratically when it feels threatened.

    From my recent reactions I believe I am healing the left over trauma missed the first go round.

  3. The wounds from childhood go deep, Marty. I believe our body also holds old wounds that can be triggered at a subconsious level. When we sense the body contraction and anxious mind it helps to come to our diaphramatic breathing and stimulate the relaxation response. Yoga and meditation for trauma and those in recovery can be a powerful practice. Breathe easy my freind 🙏

  4. After all the books and meditating I have done, triggers are one area that I have not explored in depth. I was aware of trauma stored in the body from the start.

    Internal, external, conscious, subconscious, plus we have a storyline that gets stronger each time a trigger explodes.

    Now I can see it can be layered. Complex.

    It is weird to have healed for five years, triggers dormant, well triggers evaporated and left my consciousness, th n this ignite again without my right or flight mechanism firing.

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