Update from 2011: check out the Responses: How Crazy Does Healing Get?

.

.

When mindfulness practice helps to heal some of the trauma,  emotions are heightened during this process.  In my case, I expected that after practing I would be engulfed by Peace and calm.

.

The opposite was true.

.

All hell broke loose.   

.

Terror, Panic,  Fear exploded.

.

Was I really healing or was I going in the wrong direction?

.

It felt like I was hurting myself and going deeper into Complex PTSD’s dark world.

.

This was more than confusing.

.

This felt like a huge amount of triggers firing.

.

It felt like the end of a fourth-of-July fireworks extravaganza.

.

Thank goodness I had a therapist to share that this was the way things heal and that I was going in the correct direction.

.

How would all this integration shake out in the end? 

.

What would I look and feel like when I was healed?

.

.

.

18 responses to this post.

  1. And yet again, another post I completely relate to.
    I also have a therapist currently that says I am headed in the right direction, but for now more awareness feels like WAY MORE craziness.

  2. Posted by juniper7 on February 15, 2012 at 6:13 pm

    thanks for sharing this. i think (hmmm,,) that’s what i’m going through where the last week has been hell but it’s actually healing. there just feels like So much resistance to letting things go, like my parts are having a standoff and the result is intense tension and adrenaline. but i don’t know what the resistance is. i’ve tried soothing the resistant parts and telling them they’re safe now.

  3. Dont worry about the why’ resistance 🙂 Dont try to resist anything.
    Just breathe, turn your attention gently. Try to accept the resistance is there, without judging it. Remember – acceptance does not mean agreeance.
    It’s your ego who is feeling threatened. You’re on the right track!

  4. this is when you apply your focus from meditating to accept them.

    Ok, let us explore in detail what I mean. When these feelings, these feelings are the amygdala signaling the release of cortisol and adrenaline.

    This is the adrenal stress response. We get tunnel vision, hearing blackout, respiratory systems increase BP, blod pressure and heartrate and blood flowing to all extremities for fight or flight mechanism.

    Now instead of reacting to these emotions that we all share and experience in our life, we follow the body sensations to know our inner world. Now you just have to apply the meditation you have diligently built.

    We leave the thoughts alone and focus on the breath and body sensations.

    See if you can determine where your sensations settle. Can you feel,any characteristics.
    Do they have a shape, a texture, contrast, color. Feel how you process cortisol which have no connection to the thoughts.

  5. Posted by Anonymous on February 15, 2012 at 9:11 pm

    I need help with this as this is such a new concept for me. to follow body sensations- does that mean focus on them? I’ve spent so many years becoming aware of emotions and clearing them. (but it’s been a bottomless pit). what does it “look” like to be extremely uncomfortable and breathe? can i still cry? even though I have a degre in biochem (long time ago) I don’t know how cortisol is actually processed. I feel it all over, but especially in my solar plexus, chest, adrenal glands, hypothalamus? I don’t know. just breathing when things are SO intense seems fruitless. does it really help heal the brain/emotions, whatever?
    And is there a healing crisis where things get much worse with meditation? Because at least I was functional somewhat a week ago.
    thanks for your help

  6. Hi Anonymous, check out this post:
    https://ptsdawayout.com/2011/12/08/stimulating-the-parasympathetic-nervous-system/

    That book is great and explains how this stuff works. And you are ok, I have felt cortisol everywhere. The breathing track is the only thing that has soothed my emotions/brain.

  7. You are bringing awareness to the issue now and that has brought up more emotions and feelings. That is fine and we need to deplete the cortisol levels which we have two really good ways.

    First is aerobic exercise and to exhaustion if possible. It flushes out the poising and the cortisol. Later we will use this along with some competitive combat with trauma as our opponent.

    Second is mindfulness or meditation activates the parasympathetic nervous system applying breaks to the fight or flight mechanism.

    Please share how you are using mindfulness or the breathing track? How long do you sit and how many times a day?

    When thoughts appear as you are focusseed on the breath, what is your experience.

    Ok, let talk about the ego saying that breathing when things are so intense seems fruitless!!!!!’!!!!!!!

    This our place where we stop the feeding of trauma. We focus on the breath while we follow the body sensations that settle in the solar plexus, hypothalamus, chest solar plexus, that is wonderful awareness of your inner world. Please embrace these sensations, they are your protection that has saved you in the past. This is how the amygdala commands the body to ready for a life threatening event.

    We have what is called an adrenal stress response where we get tunnel vision, hearing loss, loss of fine motor skills, BP, respiration, heartrate accelerate as our blood is pumped into our extremities getting us ready to fight or flee. The fear and jolt you experience is just cortisol.

    Your thoughts have no connection in a normal person. Our trauma has stolen the switch to our amygdala for now.

    You sound like you are a little over whelmed with you r success and this is started to fast maybe. So be ok, you are safe and secure and fine. BThe fear is a delusion and the fear itself has done no damage.

    Now it sounds like you are doing something when you meditate. like you are clearing them.

    If you have no goal when you sit and if you leave emotions, feelings and thoughts alone for a month, it would help.

    if you are going to do this please check in with me and we will make all your concerns be answered and you have a secure feel for where you are headed.

    This would be great for others just like you, having the willpower to take action.

    I am here to support you in this journey. You are safe and start working to accept the feelings and emotions and thoughts as yours, just let them starve without any attention.

    if you want to improve stay present and stop fueling the PTSD. Every time you leave this minute to go into past thoughts and trauma or get into worrying about what may happen you are fueling the demon.

    You sound like you are doing some excellent work but you need to not fuel or agitate your nervous system right now.

    Also no negative self talk and do not entertain negative little movies that run in the head. let the mind rest without thought as much as possible. Then get some affirmations going out loud. All this will soothe and deplete the cortisol so the journey so what more comfortable.

    It is not easy or smooth. Yet the rewards are like a miracle.

    I commend you and encourage you to keep going and exerting all you have. Nice job.

  8. Posted by willa on February 16, 2012 at 10:42 am

    while it is currently acceptable to refer to inner challenges as demons, i propose consideration to rethink and resist doing so. cptsd is an injury – not a demon. every time i hear of this injury referred to as demon i think: surely there must be a more supportive way to refer to this? why add or buy into scary images of demons swirling around within i do not mean to critisize. self talk and is so important. we can heal an injury but what is healing a demon? to me demon reference feeds crazy reference. we are stigmatized enough already from the outside, why add to it. now i have revealed sensitiviy with the term demon! but anyway, there it is.

  9. Willa, excellent point and the left brain is just like a computer, It is awareness you are developing and it is growing. My desire to emphasize a point does exactly what you have noticed. See, we all see something the rest of us might miss. You have just pointed this little blumder out to me. Thank you.

    Excellent point. I see how looking back, the description gives power and intention to something we need not give any undue attention.

    Self talk exactly. Way to lay attention to detail. This will serve you well

    I also conclude you are gaining and improving Willa. This is a question for ine who is taking action on her path. very nice to see the action and that desire in you.

    keep up the daily work and attitude. keep exploring all the layers to he breath and the perfect us just around the corner. The true self without failure, judgment or worry.

  10. Posted by willa on February 16, 2012 at 2:16 pm

    thank you marty. you know, it was scary for me to sumit that comment – but i am trying to overcome overcaring what others think. my counselor also thinks i am making headway. sometimes i wonder the outcome as’ there are so many challenges … but that will not stop me from trying. plug away. personal integrity means the effort is more important than the result. i hoped that if you had not agreed with me, that that would not have triggered me in any way. but here you are agreeing. it is amazing how many levels we work on. all i can do is try to stay focused on that which nurtures. i apply the breathing track. and trust that it is having not only short term positive effect, but long term positive effect as well. thank you again.

  11. I am extremely happy for you Willa, the risk, the action, the fear but when the fear does not stop us from taking action then we win. We win no matter the results.

    I know you somewhat Willa and was surprised by your response but from my point of view questions that show me people are walking the path, taking action and have these kind of questions.

    I dropped the need for someone’s approval as much as I am capable, right now. I also dropped failure. I do not believe I can fail. That is different than winning, overcoming, losing, not getting the job or promotion.

    I need to try my best, exert my all out effort from a space of this present moment, that’s all.

    As Viktor Frankl said we choose to be human and face the abuse head on and gained insight, that no matter what, the mind can exist and have its autonomy. Our mind is ours under any adverse condition.

    Relax Willa it is long term and you are doing it the correct way. Your true self has been able to call,out to you. After you wrote that response and sent it, how did you feel. Did you follow the body sensations to know the sensations are always the same. So, when you take risks observe the body mechanisms and know their was no danger. You know you are safe with me and I understand and have been where you are at in many ways.

    This blog has always called for action and I salute your bravery and the part of healing you just earned. Affirmations Willa, outloud practice.

    Now, be easy on your self and write an affirmation for this success. Let’s program this into our ego. You had a conviction, but offering criticism has many tentacles and maybe danger, perceived.

    Your practice has cleared enough away that you took the leap.

    This is how you heal. You have made my morning and nice job.

  12. i’m about to start this journey out of the hell of c-ptsd once more… finding this page is a huge relief….best wishes..

  13. best wishes back and welcome, I am Marty the current proprietor of this action blog. I share my experience and many now are using and healing in a daily basis.

    We have a specific, concrete plan and model to focus on applying pressure to our disorder. it is much easier to practice and since it is simple, not easy, simple thought is not needed.

    We imprint our breathing track by practice short minutes during the day to supplement taking some time and sitting quietly.

    Welcome, I am here everyday and hopefully can address your questions.

    This a positive supportive call for action mental mostly daily to build momentum and integrate the trauma stored in the amygdala.

    This is part mindful with the breathing track, part neuroscience, part logic, alot of my experience healing and doing this, plus me studying this to find exactly what to do and when.

    Do the daily work and improve. Not easy, not a smooth road but complex PTSD holds no bargain for us either.

    You have been in a war for some time, maybe you have not noticed.

    I can help with a few skills to battle and win your freedom, that peace of mind that we yearn for.

  14. Posted by D on March 1, 2012 at 9:25 pm

    I am so happy to have found this site! A win for me today and I’m celebrating.

    About two weeks ago my brain started integrating………….yet another interesting
    part of my recovery from complex and acute ptsd………which I now refer to as “The Challenge” if you will.
    I have felt a massive headache at times like someone was squeezing my brain together for me, I have felt the need to play the card game rummy with my husband over and over again and then I could not quit marching! I march and march and march and then started saluting…..then I had to dance so I danced. I felt like I child learning to walk, dance, march and salute. I was feeling much better after a lot of interesting stuff going on the last two weeks but wow, now depression, sadness and grief. Rehashing the trauma only to find myself stitching it back up (inside the brain) and rehashing and stitching……..it is “wild”
    Have you had any of these experiences? I am just allowing whatever comes to come but am curious if this is a “good” thing. I do meditate and do yoga often. I can’t bring myself to do any high cardio yet? It just doesn’t feel right for my brain, I feel like if I do high cardio I will disassociate

    Thoughts? Comments anyone?

    Healthy, Happy, Healing thoughts to you today and always.

    🙂
    .

  15. I guess I am the proprietor of this establishment or lack of it.

    Welcome, this is an action blog, people are actually practicing in a daily routine and healing.

    Then if that were not enough, they have been so kind to share their journey, success, challenges and was it worth it.

    We have a simple specific model, designed and aimed at one symptom, the one that gives it life and energy and duration in our consciousness,dissociation

    Hope some or all of this blog is helpful. The top of the page has two models, the breathing track and healing.

    And we deal with thoughts directly. We practice with every thought, even the neutral ones. Think when we direct our thought.

    handling thoughts is like an alcoholic going to the bar in a anxious fearful moment.

    be aware of now, here, and just come back to now.

    We let the ego control and direc us, we can change that.

    Good luck and feel free to inquire.

    Marty.

  16. Posted by meralera on May 3, 2012 at 5:54 pm

    HI THANKS MARTY FOR TAKING THE TIME AND PUTTING SOME AMAZING EFFORT INTO THIS BEAUTIFUL PROJECT. I ALSO HAVE COMPLEX PTSD AND LIKE EVERYBODY I HAVE TRIED AND TRIED EVERYTHING (OR MOSTLY HEHES) AND READ AND DONE RESEARCH BUT THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I FEEL THERE IS SOMEONE TRULY HONEST AND I CAN FEEL THE SENSE OF ALTRUISM, DEDICATION AND LOVE IN YOUR WRITING.

    IT MAKES ME FEEL HOPEFUL. I HAVE TOO, CHANGED THE NAME TO “CHALLENGES” TRYING TO BE POSITIVE. I LOVE THE REMARK OF THE DEMON AND THE WAY YOU HANDLED IT.

    I HAVEN’T READ TOO MUCH THIS SITE, BUT I’D LIKE TO KNOW ABOUT YOU AND IF YOU THINK WE CAN FULLY, HONESTLY FULLY RECOVER FROM THIS “CHALLENGE-INJURY”? AND HOW AND WHY?.

    I HAVE BURNT ALL MY BRIDGES, I HAVE NO FAMILY AROUND, FRIENDS OR COUNSELOR IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW. I ONLY HAVE MY HUSBAND WHO IS RIGHT NOW 12K MILES AWAY FROM ME.

    SOMETIMES I FEAR WITH MY 4F IM GOING TO BURN THE BRIDGE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP OF MY LIFE.

    SO I AM DEDICATED FULLY TO MY RECOVERY CUZ I DESERVE TO HAVE A HAPPY, PEACEFUL LIFE.

    I STARTED A PTSD SUPPORT GROUP IN MY COMMUNITY. BECAUSE I HAVE ASSISTED LATELY TO AA MEETINGS TRYING TO FIND A HIGHER POWER BUT IS NOT WORKING BECAUSE I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC.

    MY BELIEVE IS THAT OUR BRAIN IS LIKE A HARD DISK, WE COULD FORMAT IT BUT THE INFORMATION IS STILL THERE (UNCONSCIOUSNESS) AND WE HAVE A OPERATING SYSTEM (BELIEF SYSTEM-CONSCIOUSNESS). EVEN AFTER FORMATING THE HD THE DATA STILL THERE, THE ONLY WAY OF ABSOLUTELY DELETE THE DATA FOREVER IN A HD DISK IS BY OVERWRITING IT. WE ADD NEW DATA THAT WILL TAKE THE PLACE OF THE OLD ONE. BASED ON THIS, THE PTSD GROUP I’M STARTING WILL HAVE LOTS OF INTERACTIVE ACTIVITIES.

    BY CREATING NEW POSITIVE EXPERIENCES WE CAN “FORGET” THE OLD ONES. KEEPING IN MIND ALSO ALL THE PHYSICAL ASPECTS OF THE INJURY AND TAKING A HOLISTIC APPROACH AS WELL.

    I’D LIKE TO KNOW IF THERE IS ANY SUGGESTION ON WHAT I CAN DO TO HELP OTHERS AND HELP MYSELF WITH THIS GROUP… ANY ACTIVITIES? THE BREATHING TECHNIQUES AND MEDITATION SHOULD BE PART OF IT TOO…
    VENTING AND NETWORKING. NURTURING THE INNER KID, STIMULATING CREATIVITY, DRAWING, DRUM CIRCLES, BEING AROUND ANIMALS. ETC…

    I HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO SLEEP FOR THE LAST TWO DAYS. PANIC ATTACKS. SO MY MIND IS NOT MAKING SENSE ANYMORE… I HAVE TO SAY GOODBYE. I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON… THANKS ONCE AGAIN

    meralera

  17. first of all yes you can heal but you will never be the same. Reading and making things complex can be an issue. I would recommend for your group and yourself to work my simple plan. learn and practice focus with the breathing track. Develop the ability to focus on your breath so we can apply it when triggers explode. This is the point where healing is greatest.

    I would not recommend venting at all. never say a negative word or engage a negative thought about you. Then say affirmations everyday.

    The mind reacts best to something specific, simple concrete and we must be able to focus when fear and cortisol are dumped.

    it is simple but takes daily practice. Print and cut out a breathing track and trace it as you breathe. Start like this and you will improve. The mind needs to under the ego so it can heal. It works and you are perfect on the right side of your brain. Thereis. O loss, no guilt no shame only full self worth and the present moment.

    I have been agoraphobic forever a year, six months spent in a dark garage shaking, terrified by the unknown. Thinking or reading will never heal you. try my healing model and breathing track at the top of the page. Some good videos of how to use it.

    The hardest thing is to take action. Most of the time it is mental action. Do you know that mindfulness and aerobic exercise deplete cortisol. First we need to slow that nervous system down and steady your mind. I can answer most all of your questions but I can not heal you or do the work, it is a action thing to heal.

    Hope you have committed to action!!!!!

    Marty

  18. Today, I went to the beach with my children. I found a sea shell and gave it
    to my 4 year old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She
    placed the shell to her ear and screamed. There
    was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear.

    She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is entirely
    off topic but I had to tell someone!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: