“The Need to Please”: Informal Practice:

Approaching Daily Activities with Tenderness


“Notice your attitude as you perform daily activities.


Do you perform self-care and household chores with a sense of tension or harshness, demanding efficiency and perfection?


Do you act harshly toward yourself as you brush your teeth, scrubbing them really hard?


Do you walk from place to place pounding your feet on the ground?


As you notice, practice kindness and tenderness with yourself and the activity, softening and letting go of tension.”

My two cents:   In this moment, right now,  I accept all of me.


I shower myself with inner peace, loving kindness, approval and calm.


I strive to love all of me everyday and often.



Why is change so difficult???????????

Where does all the resistance come from? Why do we isolate, avoid unpleasant situations and people. Why do we chase and covet pleasant situations, people who approve of us, accomplishment, power, status and security?


Seems a decent strategy to avoid pain and soak up accomplishment in the short-term. Counterintuitive, knowing this strategy leads to suffering.


We have practiced habits, patterns of behavior, some subconscious in origin. We have created an “Ego” to mirror our habitual patterns. Our identity is wrapped around this “Ego”. Be it a banker, athlete, monk, priest, accountant, home maker, actor, philanthropist, etc.



Inside this cocoon, we judge ourself, find a place where we believe we fit, belong. When we enter a room, our “Ego” scans the occupants and decides if we are superior or inferior, then ranks our status.



Yes, this is superficial and kind of crazy. First, the “Ego” is a mirage, we are not what we think or judge. Second those occupations are what we do, not who we are.



Our mind is the issue, also the solution.



Fear of the unknown and this “Ego” are the main culprits keeping us from changing. We would rather suffer a known situation than risk changing, even when there is a possibility of success.



The “Ego” covets complete control. Healing means the “Ego” loses more and more control. In reality the “Ego” does not know what is good or bad for us. The “Ego” only, desires complete control.



Remember he/she generates 60,000 thoughts daily to influence where we place our attention.



You will definitely encounter your own “Ego” if you take this healing journey. He/She is not evil, he/she is only a follower not our captain.



Training the mind to empty and focus takes power from the “Ego”.

Meditation/Mindfulness: A different type of focus, intensity!!!!!! .


Thoughts are endless, 60,000 daily on average.



Focus must be intense, not anxious or strained. Thoughts will sneak in.



Trying to suppress thought, leads to the proliferation of more thought.



Letting thoughts go is the solution. We must let them fade on their own.



Without intense focus on the breath, letting go is near impossible.



Practice focus on five breaths at a time. Rest, then focus on another five breaths.


Start your practice with 10 to 20 minutes sessions.


Forget judging, focus intently, relax and enjoy.


No right or wrong, no good or bad, no words, no past or future where we are headed.


This is how we train the brain/mind for wellbeing, gratitude and being happy.

Narrow your focus.

Steve Largent was a wide receiver for the new expansion team, the Seattle Seahawks back in the 1970’s. He was slow and  undersized, a long shot to even make an NFL rooster.



His philosophy of catching a football was different. Everyone says watch the ball into your hands. He narrowed the focus to watching the tip of the ball, a much smaller focus.



He was inducted into the NFL hall of fame and ranked the second best Seattle Seahawk ever. A mans focus and heart are hidden in all types of bodies and skill sets.



My two cents: Our breath goes unnoticed until we get sick or we focus on our breathing. Breathing is taken for granted, unnoticed, almost invisible to us.


The breath has four parts to one cycle, inhale, a pause, an exhale followed by another pause.


To explore deeper, feel the temperature difference of the inhales and exhales. One is much cooler.


Notice the different sounds an inhale and exhale make.



Can you notice when the inhale stops and the pause begins, or when the pause ends and the exhale starts. That transition point has been described as a door to the other side.



Can you feel the calm that follows slowing of the breath. It is the parasympathetic nervous system kicking in, our brakes.


The breath slows, our nervous system calms.



Look closer, the breath controls the nervous system.



We take our most immediate need, oxygen for granted.

Parental Alienation: What It Is And How Narcissists Use It To Destroy Their Ex-Partner and Children

This is disturbing.

Dr Nicholas Jenner

Parental_Alienation_-_The_Detroit_Jewish_NewsWhen divorce and separation occurs and children are involved, it is generally traumatic for all concerned. One aspect of this is that two people who used to be in a relationship have to co-parent as ex-partners.  Awkward and uncomfortable as this might be, some find a way for it to work because they put the children’s needs first and realise that the children have a right to see both parents. However, some try to turn ex-partners into ex-parents by alienating their ex partner from the children in a process called “Parental Alienation”. Worse still, when a narcissist is involved in the process, it can be one of the evil tools used to destroy not only the ex-partner but the children as well. This is child abuse of the highest order. Jennifer Harman, a researching social psychologist, associate professor of psychology at Colorado State University sums it up:

“Parental alienation involves…

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Self kindness part two

In the words of John Welwood, a psychotherapist and pioneer in integrating psychological and spiritual work,

“Though you often try to get others to understand you, the understanding that heals the most is your own” (2006, 117).


Part of self-kindness is letting go of harshness when you realize you aren’t being kind to yourself.”
My two cents: This is a point of contention for me, being raised by a violent, critical narcissist.


We become our most vocal critic.


Self kindness feels awkward, unfamiliar.


We can and need to change this attitude.



Practice, practice, practice.



In this moment, right now, I shower myself with inner peace!


Self-kindness: “The Need to Please”

“A key element of self-compassion is self-kindness (Neff 2011), the practice of being warm and understanding toward yourself at any time, but for our purposes, especially when you get stuck in habitual people-pleasing mode.


As you practice mindfulness, and particularly after the preceding reflection, you may notice how harshly you treat yourself on such occasions.


Given that we mimic our parents’ criticisms, and that perfectionism and feelings of unworthiness and anger tend to go hand in hand with chronic people pleasing, it isn’t surprising that you’d be harsh with yourself.


However, harshness only adds to your suffering. Self-kindness is a way to dissolve this harshness, allowing you to support yourself in the moment.


It’s a big step toward healing the childhood wound that causes habitual approval seeking, so remember patience and kindness even when you don’t feel kind toward yourself.


Understanding the origins of your habitual approval seeking and seeing that it isn’t your fault can help you bestow kindness on yourself.



For example, an inability to say no stems from needing to please your parents in an effort to receive acceptance as a child.

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