Forgiveness stood as a giant obstacle during my journey from outright terror and disassociation towards a life, symptom free of anxiety and fear. The task loomed large and consciously my being was pissed and resentful of all that I had lost. A whole childhood and adult life up to present wasted with rules, abuse and violence. Children are complete innocents and helpless and totally depended on our caretakers.
How do we forgive someone who has wronged us and disrupted our life, our chance to exist as happy as possible? You sit quietly without thought, without influence or resistance and observe our blame, our need to pour guilt onto an individual and an event over for decades. We sit and examine the pull to relive the past and hand out guilt and shame for those who have wronged us in the past.
Healing never attains a grand level when we have to clutch the thought, that our abusers are not forgiven. We are like a stranger watching traffic on the freeway overpass, trying to muster thoughts to stop traffic. Our engagement gives power to our abusers over us. Each time we handle thoughts and disassociate into this discussion we are damaged. With holding forgiveness harms who? Us. Our abusers waste no time, energy or thought on us. They live without distraction from our guilt, we attempt and affix on them for life.
Trying to perpetuate shame and guilt on past abusers and events is the opposite of mindfulness. How can you heal when you devote energy to the disassociate state. In a way, we grant our abusers power anytime we enter disassociate states defending or thinking about our abuser and their guilt.