C PTSD – A Way Out A place to check in daily

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January fourth I entered ICU, paralyzed from a rare peripheral nerve disease called Guillain Beret. One in a 100,000 contract this harsh disease. Why me? No, Why not me? My coping skills and discipline from professional sports are ideal to cope, fight and recover from GBS.
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that being said, my condition was deteriorating the first four or five days in ICU, lungs and heart involved, total paralysis of limbs, partial left side paralysis of my face, and chronic pain increased with this new disease. Later, I found out how close I was to being intubated. A nurse informed me, I would be in the hospital another six months, if intubated.
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That scenario did not fit into supporting my daughter and three grandchildren. This is the seminal point of demarcation, so to speak for me. I resisted with all my might and vowed to give complete effort. At this moment my mind and willpower engaged this disease directly. I used my mindfulness practice to let go, allowing my body to heal.
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Looking back, this action saved my life and maybe a year or two of intense recovery/rehab. My action was to focus on the breathing track model, letting go of worry, doubt, fear or anger. I did not sit and ask to be healed or any goal, rather as always, I sat to strengthen focus and healing. The results could be the opposite and enduring this brought happiness, either way. We can not guarantee anything, we all die so recovery does not happen always.
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Those who witnessed, doctors, nurses, assistants, and friends were amazed at my attitude, strength, humor and willpower. Me, I just focused on my breath with crystal clear awareness and let things heal like trauma healed. I vowed to greet the nurses, doctors, janitors or therapist as the best patient I could be. My reward was being treated ever so kindly by all that came into contact with me. Many friends were made in the hospital and rehab center.
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Somehow through all this, people touched me and I impacted them and some beliefs. Good things happen when the ego gets a break and our true self comes out to guide us subconsciously or intuitively. What I do know, is that something special happened with my progress and recovery. It was not isolated to me but was contagious to those who witnessed it. I sat without goals, offering intention to support others and let thought fade until a blissful, thoughtless space arrived. Healing happens on its own, we do not have to do anything but focus better and better.
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I embraced my disease and accepted this was where I needed to be and immersed myself in my surroundings. Many others in rehab were hurting more than me, so I started supporting them in small ways. A kind word, some encouragement in the gym and an example that I would be enthusiastic and disciplined, healing in front of them by example.
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looking back, just working my practice everyday over and over, brought such healing, physical therapy could not account for. What I did in the gym one day could not explain the gigantic increases the next day. in a two day period I suddenly could walk without parallel bars. Then I could walk incredible distances for a man paralyzed one week before.
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Everyone warned me about overtraining, being too fatigued, accepting I would be in a wheelchair for a year, needing assistance at home, special railings and chairs, etc. In a two week period, I went from quadriplegic to walking, dressing, showering, brushing my teeth.
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looking back again, my practice, disciple and willpower would not take heed of that lament, to watch over doing it, fatiguing yourself! Overtraining, in a word! No one knew where overtraining existed. How much effort could my body and mind handle. Why would I hold back until I had reached that mark, the competitive athlete screamed in me.
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One poignant Sunday with a new physical therapist, in a harness to let me walk a treadmill, she asked at the five minute level, what my goal was 6 minutes? My response was till exhaustion! She did not see many jocks who challenge or apply pressure to the limit against any challenge. It was habit to devise a plan to heal physically. I could sense, till exhaustion was not heard, sadly.
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We are all capable of more than we could ever imagine. It requires effort, discipline and courage, daily. It must be incredibly difficult if so many do not heal. I totally disagree with the last sentence, believing healing is not that difficult, when done correctly.
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My PT agreed that actual walking was the best exercise or attempting to walk for a while, I could do. My feelings were much stronger and believed the biggest muscles in the body, the legs would pull the rest of me along quickly. My theory does has some proof, now. She found a gradual ramp which was like a pure training session for me. My legs built strength as I pushed beyond pain, relaxing into my legs, getting comfortable with all the weaknesses.
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After physical training, I would get back in bed, relax, meditate and then let go of the pain, enabling recovery. My whole youth was training, playing, competing. That discipline coupled with my mindfulness practice served me well. My practice was under immense pressure, not felt since healing from C-PTSD. How would it hold up under a real life threatening, debilitating disease at my age, 61.
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Whatever happened in those seven weeks, would not have been possible without my meditation/focus practice. The ability to focus and let go of fear, doubt, even negative thought amazed me. My practice had power, had strength to heal beyond anyone’s expectations.
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As the occupational and physical therapist assessed my progress, they kept telling me, remember you could not sit up, grab a peg with my left hand, etc. How did I do this, they wanted to know. I do not have a chronological recollection of what transpired those seven weeks. My focus and awareness were so present, thought, wandering, doubtful thought ceased, replaced by living in the moment, as much as I ever have.
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To be finished later
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