Isaac Ilyich Levitan (1860-1900)
When my C-PTSD finally exploded a couple of years ago, I approached my family for help.
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Relayed though one brother, I was informed that none of my four brothers and sisters or mother were admitting that any abuse happened.
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The perfect family had parts for everyone to play supporting the dysfunction. My mother actually told me nothing ever happened!
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My healing would be without family support, so what. Nothing new. I just wanted to share that my life has its parts that do not fit and parts I have had to accept and stay present. I do not understand the reasons for many thing, however I live in this moment and these things do not enter my consciousness unless I share, like this.
Posted by kaitlots on February 17, 2012 at 3:02 pm
I can relate… there is a lot I don’t understand about my upbringing, but as time goes on and I connect internally, these wonders fade, I am not obsessed with them all anymore.
Posted by willa on February 17, 2012 at 5:21 pm
love the “so what” part.
the pain of realizing my non-role in family when i needed family so much was resolved through lots of work but recently this epiphpany helped: through long term counseling i got to understand my familhy of origin. then i came to understand why i was drawn to bullies. then, i determined i no longer wanted bullies in my life. then i realized my family were a bunch of bullies, and that hey, i did not even like them!
daily application of breathing track on purpose ~ and when not in a triggeed state ~ is finally helping me to remember to turn to it when intrusive triggering thoughts do occur.
i more often remember to turn to the breathing track when in a triggered state and am beginning to notice the flashbacks diminish vs. increase – duration shorter vs. longer.
i like to think of it as ignoring them to death.
each victory adds to new bank of positive memories.
i believe you marty when you say this is a long term campaign (don’t i know it!), but that i am on the right track. and i agree that it is not the outcome that matters. we need to be our own heros. and a hero is a hero for the attempt. for the doing.
this blog is so amazing. it helps me feel less alone and i am so thankfull for it.
Posted by kaitlots on February 17, 2012 at 5:32 pm
Great comment Willa! I also practice the track when I feel good too, for short periods. And surprisingly quick, the triggers I engage less and less… It’s like you create your own safe space between you and the triggers so now you can notice them
Posted by willa on February 17, 2012 at 5:47 pm
thank you katilots. means alot to me you think so.
oh. and another thing i would like to share because maybe it might help someone else.
at one point when my counselor and i were discussing the whole dysfunctional childhood experience thing for maybe like the 20th time, she said to me as it relates to the way i was labled, and raised: “imagine the opposite”.
imagine the opposite! ! brilliant!
immediately i imagined how life might have turned out differently had my natural talents and skills been encouraged and nurtured. if who i was had been celebrated and loved. this took mere seconds.
then i began to treat myself that way in the here and now.
this,is ongoing.
Posted by kaitlots on February 17, 2012 at 5:56 pm
Awesome point Willa. Treat yourself that way! Thats the key. We need to learn acceptance, and being comfortable w/ ourselves before anyone else can.
It’s not our fault we were not shown that growing up, but it’s up to us to take action and give the love we needed/deserved
I have not found anything as soothing as the breathing track. Its like for the first time in my life, the ‘little Kait’ inside of me is getting a big warm hug. And isn’t screaming and throwing tantrums anymore.
Posted by Marty on February 17, 2012 at 6:44 pm
glad to be a part of everyone’s healing and sharing.
You two confirm why I do this blog.
Action and sharing the challenges and twists as we take action.
There is a huge difference.
Stay frozen and suffer risk and move and heal. Gocus the healing like my plan and pressure PTSD to leave now.
Wonderful to witness and be a part of this journey.
Nothing more to add, just smiling.