My experience with the perfect family illusion came as a shock when it confronted me late in life. PTSD exploded from serious stress and my need to be alone was not respected by family. When I would question the family abuse it was taken as a threat to expose the family secrets, which in turn commenced the circling of the wagons.
Dysfunctional families covet the perfect family scenarios. It may be a coping mechanism for other siblings. It might be too hard for some family members to face reality.
It is okay to have your own life and direct attention to the present and not the past. It is okay for them to be accountable for their behavior and us, ours. Guilt and shame are emotions of past events. Strong ones, even damaging ones when cradled to0 long. Staying present becomes the next step in healing if you’ve gotten away from the perfect family. We need to put the past in perspective. It is not our burden to carry anything. We can just be here without the past hijacking our senses.
All we need is to be here and try as hard as we can. Nothing else.
Posted by Marty on March 11, 2011 at 2:52 pm
This was a more difficult post for me to write. My family denies the reality of my childhood. Asking for help for something caused by my childhood abuse threatened my whole family. Direct denials that any violence or abuse was denied categorically were launched at me. The family image was more important than my health, my life.
We were all actors on this stage and veering away from the perfect script upset the menagerie.
This is a very tough place to find yourself. I will never set foot back in the state I was born.
It took forgiveness and healing for me to accept my life and go on. My position today is to live in the present and experience my life as it is. It has been fine and I write about it here however it gets no time other than this.
I wasted enough time suffering early in life, now I will strive to be peaceful and happy.
Today life is happier than it ever has been. My abuse endured during childhood developed strong character traits now released.
These traits are now used in the pursuit of living totally. Trying as hard as you can today and leaving it here today. works for me. In fact it will work for you.
Posted by Marty on March 11, 2011 at 3:57 pm
My father was a violent narcissist who coveted power and importance above all else. My only saving grace was his demand for perfection at sports for me. This was an outlet which saved me from more damage.
This was the one place where he could not control me, between the lines of an arena, basketball court or baseball field. Many fathers in the Midwest demand so much from sons not capable of being what they envision.
My career was easy compared to facing my father. He stated when I was just a little child that I would be a professional baseball player or else. My task was to be twice as good as everyone else so no one would question his authority.
It was much simpler facing someone my age and dominating them than a grown man who threatened abandoning me outright. Love was not something I would recognize as a youth.
Family ties are an area where clear solutions and easy paths fail to appear. Step back and find what is best for you. Then take action.
All this abuse has been over with for decades and I have endured it. The worst is over and thoughts about it are powerless in this moment. I have truly moved on and am living my life fully.
Please join me and celebrate life.
Posted by Marty on August 7, 2011 at 1:37 am
This recieved some hits today and it surprised me that I wrote this. Taboo for me!!!!!
Reading this post tears at my spirit. What happens when you ask for help from your family and the answer is, “we are not admitting to anything here”?
Wow. Not it did not happen or you are a crazy ass idiot, but we are not admitting to anything. One of my brothers told me he was on the phone one day, he was 16 or so; when my father said something to him. My brother raised his hand, because he could not hear the caller on the phone. Next thing he knew my dad had his hands around his neck and strangling him, for ever having the balls to hush him.
Funny that was 15 years later after I had endured his shit as the first born alone and he was only 17 when I was born. My family disowns me to keep my dead dads memory protected. Really it is just text book dysfunction and characters in a family. The caretakers, heroines, overachievers and rebels.
If any of this was part of my thought pattern my life would be miserable.
All of this has shaped me. I am independent and calm with life now. It is ok and I have survived and found me through this mess.
I answer for me and make no comparisons of any of them. My plate is full being here and now and living today. Leave your story and abuse where it belongs and decide you are more important and innocent. Yes perfect also.
Join me now this can be healed and has been by others preceding me.
Posted by whyismamacrying on August 8, 2011 at 2:09 pm
Thank you for your words and insight. I work on this daily. I am glad to work on it because I know I am getting it. It is not easy work, however I am up to the task. And you are too.
Posted by Marty on August 8, 2011 at 2:20 pm
Thank you for your courage to never give up and be a beacon for other women. Your willingness to take action combined with courage will serve you well.
A prize awaits all who travel this road to freedom. The real true you awaits and that you is perfect without the worries and doubts. It is you without guilt or shame.
It is you just being here without desire to see and grab opportunity to live calmly.